How to Have That Difficult Conversation: Gaining the Skills for Honest and Meaningful Communication

by Henry Cloud

The Latin term for confrontation means “to turn your face toward, to look at frontally.”

In confrontation, people simply face the relationship and deal with an aspect of the connection that needs to be addressed. The intent is to make the relationship better, to deepen the intimacy, and to create more love and respect between two people.

confrontation works best when it

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The extent to which two people in a relationship can bring up and resolve issues is a critical marker of the soundness of the relationship.

Relationships are designed by God to be whole, and the more parts of you — such as strengths, weaknesses, vulnerabilities, passions, desires, and failures — that are connected to the parts

the other person, the greater the closeness, depth, and meaning of the relationship. Paul made this appeal to the...

Not talking about strong feelings doesn’t make them go away; in fact, they become more pronounced in our attempts to live as

though they don’t exist.

Confrontation also brings empowerment, the ability to make choices and changes in your relationship.

We have a responsibility to influence the people in our lives to be the best possible people they can be: “Therefore encourage

one another and build each other up” (1...

While most would agree that we can’t make someone change, it is also true that we can do much to promote change.

Learning to have that conversation helps you solve problems.

We change when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of changing.

When a relationship has love but no truth, it either keeps the people too comfortable or even makes them more immature.

“A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again” (Prov. 19:19).

“When I say to a wicked man, ‘You will surely die,’ and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the wicked man and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his evil ways, he will die for his sin; but you will have saved yourself” (Ezek. 3:18 – 19).

Be in a Conversation, Not a Lecture

Monitor what makes you shut down and what makes you open up. When

You don’t see things the same way nor feel the same way, and you have different ideas on what to do about it. This is not a bad thing, in and of itself. The differences between you can help both of you grow and enjoy life.

If you are not clear about “you” and “I” in your confrontation, the other person may feel controlled by you, you may assume feelings he doesn’t have, or he may balk at whatever you want.

Think about how you disconnect from another person when she tells you what you are feeling when it is really what she wants you to feel.

Therefore allow the other person the grace to have her own responses to your opinions.

The more clear you are ahead of time about what you want in this relationship and what you are asking the other person to do, the better things will go.

Speaking from your own need helps you avoid being seen as the “parent” in the relationship, a position that never helps.

Often, a person who avoids clearly saying “I need” and “I want” has a problem with experiencing herself as a separate person, with her own set of values, desires, dreams, and feelings.

As much as possible, stay away from the “we need to” and “you need to” traps.

Speak from your own experience, your own heart, and your own needs.

Be clear and focused as to what the problem is really about. Make the issue as understandable as possible to the other person.

Include not only the facts and realities about the problem, but

also what it does to you and the relationship.

Avoid the mistake of stopping with the negative aspects of the problem. Doing that can make the person feel as though she just got dumped on, with no way to resolve the problem, or feel that there is no way to please you, that you are insatiably critical. Instead, let her know what you would like to see that would change the situation and solve the problem. This gives her hope, a structure, and a chance to do something to make the relationship better.

Grace is your being on the side of, or “for,” the other person as well as the relationship. Truth is the reality of whatever you need to say about the problem.

In good boundary conversations, truth needs grace for the person to safely receive and digest the information.

Your intent is not to fix, straighten out, or punish. It is to provide enough amounts of truth and grace to reconcile and solve the problem.

“While I want us to be close again, this problem is getting in the way, and I need to resolve it between us. I can’t dance around it or ignore it. But it’s hard, because I don’t want this talk to distance us even more.”

“Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other” (Ps. 85:10).

When people are open about receiving feedback and truth, issues tend to be resolved fairly easily and quickly. But very often, people who have long-standing patterns of negative behavior and attitudes have also developed character patterns that help maintain those problems.

That is, they have some internal resistance to seeing themselves as being wrong, flawed, or responsible.

Don’t blame; inquire.

Concentrate on Feelings, Not Thoughts Be clear about the feelings you feel, not the thoughts you think. This is a hard task; it is easy to use the word feel and then say a thought. For example: “When you negate my words, I feel like I shouldn’t say anything.” It would be better to say, “When you negate my words, I feel hurt and disconnected from you.”

Remember, you are not ascribing fault as much as opening a window into your heart so the other person can be drawn into your world.

Give him a description of what he really said or did, or what tone of voice he used, so that he has a picture of the situation.

Affirm and validate the people you confront so that they know they are valued.

The basic message you want to convey is that you care about the person; you notice things he is doing well, or you let him know you are on his side. The key phrase is this: Be on his or her side.

Real affirmation comes from your genuine care for the person and your desire for things

get b...

Validate other people with language that lets them know you are with them and not against them.