How to Have That Difficult Conversation: Gaining the Skills for Honest and Meaningful Communication

by Henry Cloud

Specifics can help break through defenses. But

Part of helping someone know what he is doing is making him aware of the effects of his behavior. This approach helps to change your confrontation from an abstraction to something more personal and real;

God created us to matter to each other.

Is anyone in your life doing something you would like him or her to quit doing? It

For most people, there are several situations in life where a relationship would go better if someone would stop doing a particular thing. For others, it goes beyond “things would go better” — it could mean a relationship or even a person’s life would be saved.

One thing that reduces the chances of a good outcome is a lack of preparation,

One of the best maps for confronting another person about his behavior comes from the book of Micah: “He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6:8).

In other words, when something is wrong, we should move to address it.

So, when you prepare to confront someone’s behavior, remember that it is a good thing for you to do. It is the right thing, and it is a helpful thing.

To “love mercy” primarily signals kindness and compassion.

Go hard on the issue and soft on the person.

you identify with the person you are confronting as a fellow imperfect struggler and do not “lord it over him.” You remain an equal.

Remember that the relationship is what is important, and if a particular stand will win you a skirmish but cause you to lose the war, then you might do well to wait.

when you clarify your motives — the “why” or the purpose of the confrontation — you can really affect the outcome.

When you clarify inside yourself the purpose of the confrontation, you will be much clearer and more focused in the talk itself.

Before you talk to someone about changing his behavior, figure out if what he is doing is really a “bad” thing or just something you don’t like.

Before you proceed, figure out if what you are bugged about is in the “preference” category or in the “wrong for civilized humans” category.

As we mentioned earlier, when you confront something negative, remember the importance of affirming something about the intended outcome or desire for the person, the relationship, or you.

The idea here is that a confrontation is not a one-sided conversation.

Empathize and connect with what the person says, and then stay clear again on the issue that you want to confront. Do not drift.

There is a future, and you do well to know ahead of time what you are going to do with it. Many options are available.

But remember, if the other person does not take ownership of the problem, the past will repeat itself.

Repentance means more than someone saying, “Sorry.” It means he truly has had a change of mind about his behavior and shows it by changing direction.

this: Stop being surprised that she does not welcome the truth.