How to Have That Difficult Conversation: Gaining the Skills for Honest and Meaningful Communication

by Henry Cloud

of the most powerful things ever said on confronting someone’s problems came from Jesus. This message should be in every psychiatry and psychology book ever written about relationships: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matt. 7:3 – 5).

When confronting, do not do it from a deficit balance. In other words, don’t confront someone if you owe her an apology first.

But if you begin with owning and apologizing for ways you have failed her, or for poor ways you have dealt with this failure, your humility paves the way. Here is what it does: 1. It lets her know you care. 2. It lets her know you are not there to lord it over her or be judgmental. 3. It lets her know you are not there to “win.” 4. It models for her what humility looks like and takes away the shame she might feel.

Chances are, when someone says you should do something, you feel more of the former than the latter. People who use many “shoulds” fetch less helpful outcomes and reactions from other people than those who don’t.

First, it is not always said in “pure form”; instead, it is said as a shaming tool or a command. It comes across as an obligation — “You ‘must’ do this” — which is actually another meaning for the word.

it feels controlling and dominating.

many people have been in relationships in which others have tried to control them, dominate them, and tell them what to do. So at times, even though you mean it purely, it is not heard that way. And if your goal in the confrontation is to solve a problem, it makes sense not to put any unnecessary stumbling blocks in the way.

When someone says, “You should,” people feel their choices going away. Instead, you want the other person to freely choose to do what you are suggesting, to feel good about it, not forced into it.

He preserved their choice.

He was clear about what he thought was the right choice:

But he did not try to force them to choose wha...

Good relationships preserve someone’s dignity, choice, freedom, and equality as a person.

redemptive

The confronter enters into the conversation with an attitude to help, be an ally, and be an agent for change.

Another characteristic of an agent for change is an attitude of helpfulness and support. It is the ability to let the person know outright that you don’t want to bring this up to dump on him or even just to clear the air, but you want to help him in any way you can and also improve the relationship between the two of you. The third kind

REDEMPTIVE CONVERSATIONS

There is something very powerful about the one who was hurt being the one who wants to help.

It is humbling in the best of ways, because we submit to love, not to our tendency to get even.

If “confront” means to “turn our face toward,” then let’s do that. Let’s turn toward this issue or problem together, look at it for all its worth, and both do the best we can to make it better. This is the high road — and the one with the best possible destination.

Specificity is a big issue.

They use words like never and always. They say things like, “You never communicate love to me.” Global statements in all-or-nothing terms do little to solve a problem. When you talk to someone, instead of giving big-picture descriptions, give her specifics about the problem, what it is that you want to be different, or what she can do to resolve a problem.

Forgiveness has to do with the past.

Reconciliation has to do with the present.

Trust has to do with the future.

Keep the future clearly differentiated from the past.

As you discuss the future, you clearly delineate what your expectations are, what limits you will set, what the conditions will be, or what the consequences (good or bad) of various actions will be.

wanted well.

wanted weakly;

But married or single, in romance, family life, friendship, or business relationships, many people can identify with the problem of getting what they want in their relationships in a way that is good for both parties.

wanting is the only way to live fully, and if that is true, then we need to learn how to communicate our wants in ways best for us and best for our relationships.

Own her “want” — be honest with herself about what she wants and be aware that her desire is her responsibility • Own the feelings that occur when her desire is not getting met — if she is sad, she needs to tell Peter, not wait for him to figure it out • Choose to communicate and move toward Peter to let her wants be known • Communicate desire, not demand

It starts with her realizing that her desires are her responsibility.

A “need” is something we must have for survival.

So when you are talking about what you want from someone, beware

The real issue may be the attitude we take when we communicate our desires.

observe your attitude when you talk.

that you realize you are not “entitled” to what you are asking

Don’t punish or react.

Look at your reactions and see how much freedom people really have to say no to you.

Talk about yourself, not the other person and his or her failures to provide for you. The “you” statements judge, interpret, and globalize. “You” statements accuse the other person.

It concerns your core values or signals a change of direction in your relationship. The

Sometimes we just have to make the case for what we want and be persistent.

Connecting and empathizing with the initial difficulty someone feels is often enough to build a bridge of understanding. It allows him or her to see how important it is to you.

Remember, this is not a tug-of-war. It is two people trying to come together and know that they are understood.

it is more of a continuum. People have varying degrees of awareness of their problems.

Becoming aware doesn’t solve the issue by itself, but the issue cannot be solved without awareness.

Only to the extent that someone becomes aware of a problem is she able to take responsibility for the problem.

life. Bringing awareness is all part of how we care for each other.

Specifics add substance and meaning to your presentation of a problem.

When you use specific examples, approach the person anticipating that at first she is likely to be open to what you have to show her. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Often a goodhearted person will be surprised at seeing evidence of a problem. Sometimes she will even be remorseful, feeling bad about the effects of her actions. These types of responses are good indicators that the person is taking the specifics to heart and will do something to resolve the issue.