Believe Me: A Memoir of Love, Death, and Jazz Chickens

by Eddie Izzard

Well, I think if there is a god, then god needs to have a plan. If the god does not have a plan for us, and the god just lets random shit happen, then what is the point of him, or her, or it, or the flying sandwich they may be?

If there is a god they need to come down to Earth and explain WWII, Hitler, bowel cancer, and Croc shoes. But no god has ever come to Earth.

Everyone put on big white pajama-like things and then lined up to do forward rolls on the gym mat. It was really easy to do because when you’re a kid, you’re close to the ground and quite bendy and that all works. Now, as an adult, if you try to forward roll, you will die. We know this. We don’t have to test it. We just think, I’ll tuck my head in, I’ll start a forward roll, and then I’ll just die.

When motivated, I will move heaven and earth to get something done. When not motivated, I’ll sit in bed and watch black-and-white movies and eat breakfast cereal.

If you are an LGBT+ person and you come out, you have to go through your knight’s quest to create ground for yourself, to create a space for yourself, to stand there and say, “I exist. I have no reason to feel guilt or shame. I am proud to exist, and while I’m not perfect, I deserve to exist in society just like anyone else.”

How you self-identify with your sexuality matters not one wit. What you do in life—what you do to add to the human existence—that is what matters. That is the beautiful thing.*

It could be that we’re all very creative when we’re young but that we’re just encouraged to push creativity out of our lives as we get older.

I believe shyness has a lot to do with flirting and dating and relationships, too. I think I was shy. It would have been nice not to have been shy. And I am still shy.

It does get better, kids. But until it gets better, it’s hard not to look at the tiny, instantly socially successful subgroup of “pretty” humanity and wonder if they’re always going to have it so easy.

But I believe this is a human pattern: wanting what you don’t have, not wanting what you do have.

If you have an “alternative sexuality,” which is my way of saying “LGBT+,” you should not feel guilty about it or ashamed about it, because you did not choose it.

Despair is the fuel of terrorism, and hope is the fuel of civilization, so we have to put more hope into the world than despair. Hatred and separation and building walls is not the way to progress. Going backward is not the way to go forward.

So all in all, do pray for good things to happen in the world, but in the end I think it’s up to us. Good luck to us.

People have said to me, “Come and hang out,” and sometimes I don’t, and it’s stupid of me. It’s a failing of mine. Maybe it all goes back to being young and not being in the most popular group in school. I didn’t expect to be a part of that most popular group, but I suppose the feeling of being an outsider lingers.