Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

by Mark Goulston

Life is mostly a matter of perception and more often misperception.

without realizing it, we categorize people instantly in the following sequence: Gender Generation (age) Nationality (or ethnicity) Education Level Emotion

Perceiving is believing. Misperceiving is deceiving— And worse yet, prevents achieving.

WHY DOES“FEELING FELT”CHANGE PEOPLE?

Making someone “feel felt” simply means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.

When people feel felt, they feel less alone, and when they feel less alone, they feel less anxious and afraid—

Attach an emotion to what you think the other person is feeling, such as “frustrated,” “angry,” or “afraid.”

Say, “I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling and I think it’s —————. . .” and fill in an emotion. “Is that correct? If it’s not, then what are you feeling?” Wait for the person to agree or correct you.

Then say, “How frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) are you?” Give the pe...

Next, say, “And the reason you’re so frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) is because. . . ?” Again, let the person vent.

Then say, “Tell me—what needs to happen for that feeling to feel better?”

Next, say, “What part can I play in making that happen? What part can you play...

BE MORE INTERESTED THAN INTERESTING

the way to truly win friends and influence the best people is to be more interested in listening to them than you are in impressing them.

The more interested you are in another person, the more you narrow the person’s mirror neuron gap—

People love offering advice, because it makes them feel both interesting and wise.)

MAKE PEOPLE FEEL VALUABLE

Everyone competes for time, but no one should need to compete for importance.

HELP PEOPLE TO EXHALE EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY

If you’re trying to reach people in a state of distress, adding to their stress can be disastrous.

The best thing to do when someone is venting, whining, or complaining is to avoid interrupting.

Don’t

become defensive, or get int...

pause after he’s unloaded on you, and then simply say, “Tell me more.”

The greatest single cause of dissonance is the fact that people behave their worst when they feel most powerless.

FEEDFORWARD

pick the behavior you most need to change.

approach anyone—your spouse, a friend, even a total stranger—and ask that person to suggest two things you can do in the future to change this behavior for the better.

“It works because we can change the future but not the past.”

I learned, too, that it’s much better to

reach out for help before you mess up.

Exposing your vulnerabilities can also create instant bonds strong enough to turn total strangers into friends.

A toxic person robs you of your self-esteem and dignity and poisons the essence of who you are.

There are three ways to do this. The first is to confront these people directly. The second is to neutralize them. The third is to walk away and make sure they don’t follow you.

NEEDY PEOPLE

BULLIES

Bullies come after you because they think you’re easy prey.

TAKERS

They’re the ones who hit you up every day for a favor

Strangely, however, they never seem to have time or energy to help you in return.

identify takers ahead of time and always have a request ready to ask of them.

NARCISSISTS

Narcissists are always on center stage, expecting you to sit in the wings and clap for them.

PSYCHOPATHS

The Impossibility Question works with a person who’s somewhere between resisting and listening,

two quick questions: “What’s something that would be impossible?” and, “What would make it possible?”

setting into motion a cascade of “yes”

Transition a person from resisting to “willing to do” in a single step, by changing the dynamics of a relationship.

“empathogenic communication”

Think of it as the Empathy Jolt.