This and Every Life

by Emmy Sanders

Finding out who this man is isn’t even an option, is it? It’s inevitable. A course I couldn’t correct even if I tried. He’s here, the gravitational pull of our lives now intertwined, one and the same.

To me, he’s still just…my Ezra. Ezra’s expression is soft as his eyes drift over my face in turn. “What is it?” I ask. “Just that…sometimes I think heaven is here with you.”

“You carry the stars with you, Gray. Your own constellation I can look at any time I want.” “My freckles?” I ask hoarsely.

I wonder if he can feel my pulse beneath his thumb. If he knows the beat of it as I know his. If, somewhere deep down, he recognizes my heart.

I’ve known this man in a dream that’s not a dream at all.

The snapshots I have of him aren’t enough. I need every moment I can gather. A lifetime of them.

But regardless of all that’s set to be, we’re here now. No matter what end waits over the horizon, every one of our choices matters because we’re living them. We’re not powerless unless we believe ourselves to be.”

It’s one thing to know. And completely another to live.

“Do you believe in fate, Caspian?” I smile at the question returned to me. He must know the answer, but I give it still. “Yes. Do you?” “I’m starting to.”

“We always have choices in life. We weave fate, Lee Donovan. Not the other way around.”

“Do you plan to woo me, Lee?”

A person doesn’t fear the end. They fear losing what they’ve gained. They fear loss. And the greatest loss, the thing we hold most dear and what drives our passion, our thirst for knowledge, the bonds we forge along the way…is love.

It transcends space and time and every barrier put in front of it. Even light gets swallowed by the gravity of a black hole. But love? Love is the reason we seek to see beyond it.”

“But if that’s how you feel about love,” I finally manage, “then I count myself lucky to be the person you were searching for.”

however it is you love me, I’ll do my absolute best to love you back just the same.”

The dim light of the room and the candles casting light across Caspian’s face makes me feel as if I’m in a dream. Is this how he feels every time he has a vision? Like every second is too important to miss? I don’t dare blink, scarcely breathe.

“You’ve bewitched us all,” I mutter. Caspian’s gaze swings to me. “Have I?”

If I weren’t already under his spell, that would do it. Seeing his trust. His longing so close to the surface. The way he’s offering himself. Freely and without barriers of his own.

I don’t know what the future holds. But right this instant, I know with a certainty I feel in my bones, in my very makeup, that I could fall in love with this man if I let myself.

My kiss is a question, asking him if this is it. If he feels it, too. His answer is in the way he opens to me,

I think Caspian was right. Our choices matter. Every one of them. And I’ve already made my choice.

“In this future you see. In the past… What is it that calls you?”

“You,” I tell him. “Every time, always, I see you.”

Those lips journey to my mouth, asking permission freely given, parting and greeting and feeling as if they never want to say goodbye.

I answer in kind, every piece of me ready and joyously shouting for whatever it is he wants. Because it will always be what I want, too.

I would love him with every one of my last breaths. There is not a world, not a lifetime, in which I am not his. Utterly and singularly.

I want to weep. Want to cry and laugh and scream at the sky that I’ve found him. I’ve found him, and he’s mine, and he will always be mine.

There’s a devotion in my heart I know won’t ever abate. Not for an eternity.

Lee stutters out a broken cry as he comes undone, tugging me to him, taking from my mouth as he would his next breath.

There’s only him. His arms. The scent of him. The familiarity. The resolve in his touch. The reverence in each kiss. If this were my end, I could accept it. I could accept it knowing next time I’ll have him the same.

“Every time… Every time, it’s me?” I nod. “How do you know?” “I just do,” I tell him. “I’d know you anywhere.”

“Why is this happening?” A glint of metal. A sunny day. I unglue my tongue from the roof of my mouth. “A curse,” I answer. “A gift.”

How do you tell someone they sacrificed everything for you?

I’ve never lived with a partner before.” It takes me a second to find my voice. “So you admit we’re living together?” Lee barks a laugh. “Caspian, you moved all your shit in the first week. We’re obviously living together.”

I love you more than I have ever loved another. I love you as only I can. Wholly. Absolute.

I cannot claim to know what waits for us when we leave this world. But I beg of you to make the same promise you gave me that night so very long ago. No matter where, no matter when, be it swiftly that you return to me.

I chose it. Chose you. And you chose me. No matter what comes between us or what tries to tear us apart, I will always find you. And I will always choose you again. Fate did not make me fall in love, Lee Donovan. You did that.”

“I don’t want to lose you,” I admit, clearing the doorway. He kisses my cheek, my nose, my lips. “You won’t. Not ever.”

“You’re gorgeous,” I tell him, not sure if I’ve spoken the words aloud yet. “You make me desperate. In every way I could be.”

“I’ve been desperate for you since the moment we met.”

There’s no giving this man up. No getting over him, not that I’d want to. We were always supposed to find our way here. I believe him in that. There’s a word for it. One we’ve both been dancing around. Soulmates.

I whisper my own promises. Telling him I’m not going anywhere, that neither is he, that I’ll fight for this, for him, because there’s no other option.

“Caspian,” I croak. “Tell me again. Tell me who you are to me.” His fingers dig against mine, blue eyes flashing. “I’m yours. Forever, Lee. I’m yours.”

I fall with him, because for all the choices I’ll face, there’s no choice in this. I’m pulled under, awash in a sea of stars, suspended in time, in space, in nothing and everything at once.

“What?” Lee looks genuinely confused. “A Worthy Deception is a great movie. Ezra Gold? Iconic actor. And Grayson Fox? Hot. They’re brilliant in this, too. Did you know they announced their relationship right before the premiere? Surely you’ve seen it? It’s a classic, old or not.” “Oh, I’ve seen it. And lived it.”

“For fuck’s sake, tell me I wasn’t Grayson Fox. I can not be attracted to myself.”

My God, Ezra Gold was such a ham. I’m kind of embarrassed for myself.”

Somehow, some way, he sees me. And accepts me. Encourages me. Loves me. I’m beyond fortunate to have found my husband in this life. To have a man like Arthur Kane to call my own.

“Even when we’re old and gray, bring me here? Bring me to the stars?”

“My husband. My love. One day, you and I will dance amongst them. Just you wait and see.”