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You flounder when they call you 'friend'; you'd probably have a psychotic break when they freaked out over you."
"I know what he's like," Kevin said. Neil looked at him, but Kevin was studying his hands. "Riko. If you want to talk." It was the most awkward and uncomfortable thing Kevin had ever said to him.
He straightened and turned to find Andrew had shifted closer. There was nowhere for Neil to stand except up against Andrew, but somehow Neil didn't mind. They'd been apart for seven weeks but Neil keenly remembered why he'd stayed. He remembered this unyielding, unquestioning weight that could hold him and all of his problems up without breaking a sweat. For the first time in months he could finally breathe again. It was such a relief it was frightening; Neil hadn't meant to lean on Andrew so much.
Attempt to keep yours on." "Yes, Coach," Neil said, and turned his phone off again as soon as he'd hung up.
"I'm fine,"
"The next time someone comes for you, stand down and let me deal with it. Do you understand?" "If it means losing you, then no," Neil said.
"You were supposed to be a side effect of the drugs." "I'm not a hallucination," Neil said, nonplussed. "You are a pipe dream," Andrew said. "Go inside and leave me alone."
Neil wasn't sure why he did it, but he plucked Andrew's cigarette off the sidewalk and stuck it between his lips. He tipped his head back to meet Andrew's unwavering gaze and tapped two fingers to his temple in Andrew's mocking salute.
"Is your learning curve a horizontal line?"
"Sometimes I think this job is going to kill me," Abby said. "Seeing what people have done, what people continue to do, to my Foxes. I wish I could protect you, but I'm always too late. All I can do is patch you up afterward and hope for the best.
He wouldn't survive long enough to forget the sound of her voice. It was at once reassuring and depressing, and a sudden swell of grief threatened to swallow him whole.
"I can walk," Neil said. "Proud of you," Wymack said. "Didn't ask."
Andrew dug a fingernail into the hollow of Neil's throat until he had Neil's undivided attention.
"I've never understood why he likes knives."
"He will lose his taste when he has one in his gut,"
Andrew pinched his wrist. A bolt of fire popped through his fingers and he snatched his hand away as fast as he could. Neil flicked Andrew an irritated look, but Andrew didn't even look at him. Neil wrapped his arm around his stomach to get his hand out of Andrew's reach and sullenly turned his attention back on Wymack.
I'm not as worried about you as I am about our resident punching bag and his smart mouth.
I have told you a thousand times before I want nothing."
"Probably because you're spending all your energy on not wanting anything,"
"I took a chance on you when I decided to stay. You took a chance on me when you trusted me with Kevin.
tell Coach to mind his pay grade. I will not let him get away with this a second time."
"I can't tell if you're being obtuse to fuck with me or if you're really that dumb,"
He had two cigarettes lit before he reached the second floor landing, and one he passed over his shoulder to Neil. Neil held onto it until they reached the car.
"Presumably he thinks you're as bad at following directions as he is," Andrew said.
"I didn't think I was a personal problem. You hate me, remember?" "Every inch of you," Andrew said. "That doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you."
"You like me." "I hate you," Andrew corrected him,
He remembered Andrew's hand over his mouth in Exites as he backed out of their conversation. He thought of Andrew yielding to his prodding and holding him up when Neil needed him most. Andrew had called him interesting and dangerous and had given him keys to his house and car. He'd trusted Neil with Kevin because Kevin was important to both of them and he knew Neil wouldn't let him down.
What was Neil supposed to do with a truth like this? He was going to be dead in four months, five if he was lucky. He wasn't supposed to be this for anyone, Andrew least of all. Andrew said all year long—had said it to Neil's face just this week—that he didn't want anything. Neil shouldn't be the exception to that rule.
Whatever Kevin saw on Neil's face, it was enough to kill his curiosity. Kevin slowly closed his mouth, withdrew his hand, and went back to drinking.
"I'm fine,"
"I'm fine." "The word you're looking for is 'hopeless' or 'obsessed'," Nicky said, grinning.
"I think it's better this way, with you as the last line of defense. You let us run ourselves into the ground and clean up behind us. You play the game like you play life. That's why you're so good at it."
"This is how I stay alive. When I'm playing, I feel like I have control over something. I feel like I have the power to change things. I feel more real out there than I do anywhere else. The court doesn't care what my name is or where I'm from or where I'll be tomorrow. It lets me exist as I am."
"I like the honest side of you." Neil hung up on her.
"Feeling," Andrew said at last. "Trying to remember fear, or trying to remember how to feel anything at all?" Neil asked, but Andrew didn't answer.
"I am a master at persuasion." "Or self-delusion," Neil said.
That anger was born of genuine worry. Neil chose to interpret it as disappointment instead because that was easier to motivate himself with.
Andrew made himself comfortable on Neil's left, a one-man barricade between Neil and the crowd.
he knew from the hard pull at his mouth that he was wearing his father's smile. He pressed the side of his glove to his face, nearly crushing his teeth into his lips. He tasted blood before it was safe to drop his hand again.
He turned and shoved Kevin into the door as hard as he could. Kevin had the better part of a foot on him and could easily take Neil in a fight, but he was too startled to defend himself. Dan gaped at Neil. Andrew, who'd attacked Matt for hitting Kevin, took a neat step out of the way.
One of us had to make it and I wanted it to be you. But you still believe in that number on your face. What's so important about being second-best?"
"Have you forgotten who has to paint you back together every morning? If you'd let them steamroll you yesterday after all of this," she flicked her fingers up at her own face, "I would hate you."
Andrew's—Andrew. We can't predict him or control him." "He can," Matt said, jerking his chin at Neil. "Why can't you?" "Fewer survival instincts?" Nicky guessed,
After a moment he reached out and covered Neil's tattoo with his thumb. The result made him frown, not in disappointment but confusion, and Kevin dropped his hand again. Neil waited, but Kevin said nothing.
"Give me one good reason to not push you off the side." Neil shook a stick out and lit it. "I'd drag you with me. It's a long way down."
"Ninety percent of the time the very sight of you makes me want to commit murder. I think about carving the skin from your body and hanging it out as a warning to every other fool who thinks he can stand in my way." "What about the other ten?"
"I want to see you lose control."
Neil feigned confusion as he got to his feet. "Am I bothering you?" "Beyond the telling." "Interesting," Neil said. "Last week you said nothing gets under your skin."
"Don't you dare take his side." "Why not?" Nicky asked. "It's not like you've ever let me take yours."
From you 'fine' could mean anything from 'I'm going to hitchhike across the state' to 'I'm beaten to a bloody pulp but I can still hold a racquet'."

