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“I am happy. You make me happy.” “No, no, I don’t. You are not happy with me. You’ve made yourself miserable. You’ve put your needs, your feelings, yourself last for the sake of making me happy. I think you lied to yourself enough that you believed it, but you’re not. I can’t make you happy. I can’t give you the emotional stability you need. I wanted to…” She gets choked up on a sob. “So badly give it to you, but I can’t. I don’t know how.”
“You can. You have. I am happy with you. I want you. I need you, Josie. Believe me. Please.” She sadly smiles at me. “You deserve good things.” “Please don’t give up on us.”
“Stop saying that!” She drops her hands and jerks away from me. “You are not fine. I’m not enough for you.” “You are! You are enough for me! So enough, I can’t stop drowning in you. I crave you. I want you. I need you. I lo—” She wraps her arms around. “Don’t. Don’t say that. You’ll regret it.”
“Don’t do this to me. I need you. Please don’t go.” I grind my teeth, wishing the tears would stop, but they won’t, and hers don’t either. “You deserve good things.” She wipes my tears away. “You deserve to be happy. I’m sorry I couldn’t show you how, but you’ll find it. I know you will.”
“I know you’re lost in your head right now. I know it feels like a fucking maze and it’s dark too, but you’ll get out. You’ll find the exit. I promise you will. You just need to keep going. Follow the damn light, Daniel. We’ll be at the end waiting for you. Love you, man. We’re here for you.”
“Nosotros siempre hemos estado orgullosos de ti. I know I didn’t show it like your mom did, but I’ve always been proud. I’ve recorded all of your games on TV and have taken so many pictures, I had to get more storage on my phone. I’m sorry I didn’t show it enough or at all, but I promise I’ve always been proud of you. You could stop playing now, and I’d still be proud of you.”
fucking kill me now! im a mess
“I thought if I left, it’d be easier for you. Sometimes…I thought it’d be easier for everyone if I was…gone.” He hugs me tighter. “I-I tried a few times over the years, but I never could go through with it. I don’t know why. But I do know I hated myself every time because it wasn’t fair that I got to enjoy my life and Adrian didn’t. I wish it had been me. I’m sorry it wasn’t me.”
“I’m not fine. I haven’t been for a while. Well…” I clear my throat, the large lump making it hard to speak. “I was okay when I was with…Josie.” Angry tears rush down my face. “She made me feel like me again, but I felt guilty for feeling okay. I felt guilty that Adrian would never get to experience a Josie in his life. I hated myself because she—” Memories of her play in my head. “Was it for me and she made me happy. She made me feel so good, I looked forward to a future with her. I wasn’t thinking about Adrian and the future he wouldn’t get to have. How selfish is that? He died because of
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His friends came and grabbed his stuff. I didn’t want them to. I didn’t want to hide in my bathroom while they took his stuff. I wanted him to stay. I wanted to tell him I was capable of loving him. That I was capable of being enough to help him, but I couldn’t because I knew I wasn’t enough to be what he needed emotionally. But who am I kidding? I was never going to be what he needed in general.
It’s a Post-it he randomly placed, one I was hoping I’d never find. I want to pretend it’s not there, but my body is moving robotically in a way that’s not mine, going towards it. When I grab it, the tiny string that was keeping me tethered to sanity snaps. I’m so happy you’re here, Josefine! With love, Garcia
It all rips, breaks, or falls to the ground. When I’m done, when I’m slumped against the wall staring at it all, I realize how empty I am because this changes nothing. She’s not coming back. He’s not coming back. Feeling did nothing but make me realize how alone I am.
He cares about you a lot, more than he’s probably ever cared about anyone. Which is really fucking rude because I’m his best friend.”
Let me tell you, Danny was…is Feral. Obsessed. A little unhinged when it comes to you. Never seen him like that.”
can’t make sense of it, and I’m not going to try either because it’s a little confusing for me. I just know Danny would do anything for you. You could kill someone and he wouldn’t question it; he’d probably grab a shovel. That’s the kind of bullshit he’d do for you.”
“And also, I’m here too. As you can see, I’m not good with motivational speeches or heartwarming words of affirmation, but if you need to talk, I’m here. I’m good at listening. Or if you want to break shit, there’s a rage room not too far from here. I could take you to it if you want. I can swim, but I don’t think I’ll be able to keep up with you. I’m not opposed to painting my nails if you’re into that kind of thing. Or getting piercings, I don’t mind those. But I won’t wax my body, so don’t even think about it. And I draw the line at watching rom-coms. I’ve tried but I just can’t.”
“The emptiness, the dread, the endless loop—it all evaporated like it was never there. He made me feel seen. He made me feel safe. But now that he’s not here…” A black hole takes residence in my chest, sucking the life out of me. “I feel like I’m back from a funeral I can’t remember. I feel stuck again, grieving something we could’ve been. It’s like grieving Mom all over again. Except the difference is that he’s alive. I barely started making sense of what I felt for her and now I have to make sense of what I feel for him. I don’t want to be stuck, but I don’t know how to climb out.”
“We just want you to know that we love you.” “We really do,” Pen says. “And that no matter what happens, it’s us against it all. You got us for life.”
They still want me for me. I’m enough for them. They’re going to stay.
“You remember Josie?” “The girl you’re constantly talking about? Yes, I remember her.” Jarvis also happens to be a smart-ass. “She said that to me too.” I press my lips together to stop them from trembling. “She made me happy. I don’t feel like I deserve her, but she’s someone good. Actually, she’s better than good. She’s amazing. She’s dry and a little mean but…” I chuckle but Jarvis cracks a smile that makes it sound louder. “I love it. I…” I quiet down. “I couldn’t remember what feeling alive was like until she came into my life.”
“This…” He pinches the safety pin hanging from his chain. “Was my promise not to kill myself. I wanted to so many times, thought about it so many times, tried but I couldn’t go through with it. I knew it would devastate Mom, Pen, Angel, maybe even Dad, although now I know it would have. The safety pin is a reminder that my hurt would be someone else’s if I did it. I didn’t do it, but my thoughts of it never stopped. They were there…just biding their time. Until you.”
“Being with you has made me the happiest and most peaceful person I’ve ever been in my life. Being with you felt like getting a restart in life. Being with you made me feel like me again.”
You electrified my soul.
“I want you back, Josie,” he desperately voices. “Tell me what I need to do, what you need, and you’ve got it. Just think about us. Take as long as you need, as long as you want. I’ll wait, but think about us. Please.” “There’s nothing I need to think about.” I cling to him, and I’m just as desperate as he sounds. “I want us, this, everything, all of it. I need you. I’m not perfect and I have issues, a lot of them—that I’m working on—but I want to be here for you, Daniel. I want you to let me in and share your pain with me. Share what you feel on the good, bad, and in-between days. I told you
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“I’ll love you even on the dark days.”
“I’ll love you even on the dark days. I-I know that’s hard to believe. I know I’ve never been the most uh, sentimental, sappy, or even loving person. I know I haven’t shown you enough how much I care about you. I know I’m shit at expressing myself and maybe you’ll find it hard to believe that I care this deeply for you…”
“That I feel this intense fire, consuming burn in my body for you.
“I sound like an idiot, don’t I?” “No, God, no.” He tucks my hair behind my ear. “You sound like the girl I love.”
“You know, you are loving. Don’t ever feel like you’re not. I don’t need you to be loud about loving me or do big gestures to show me that you do. I know that you do, in the way you hold me, how you see me, how you let me in, how you accept me for me. You are loving, Josefine, and I’m privileged to be the one you choose to love.”
I wasn’t worth it, but you made me feel like I was.” “Because you are worth it.” He draws back a little and hooks a finger under my chin, making me look up at him. “You are worth it, Josefine.”
So I smiled because it was the only thing I thought I could do, the only thing I felt I was good at, the only thing I knew I couldn’t fuck up. You can’t hurt anyone if you’re smiling.”
“Because those moments we shared are the essence of my existence.”
“Those moments made me feel me again and are the reason why I looked forward to every day as long as it meant I got to make more with you.”
“I look forward to every day wi...
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“If you guys pull this bullshit again, I’m fucking someone up and it won’t be Josie,” Noah threatens, striding into the kitchen. “Fuck anyone up. Just don’t touch Daniel and we’ll be okay.” Josie’s voice is just as leveled and equally threatening.
“Another day without you and it REALLY sucks. I hope you know, if you decide to take me back (and I’m going to work my ass to make that happen), I’ll never let go of you. I shouldn’t have lost you in the first place. Really hate myself for that and I hate what I said. I didn’t mean it. I swear, I didn’t. But I don’t regret begging and getting on my knees for you. I’ll do it again (you know I’ve never been opposed to begging). I miss your face. I really miss holding you. I miss your voice. I miss your smile. I never told you this, but these tiny fireworks always go off in my chest when I see
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She sets the notebook down on the nightstand. “I hope you know I’m getting asked to get buried with this. Fireworks? I do that to you?”
“Your feelings are valid, but I want you to know this is very real.” I tip my head down and kiss her shoulder. “But on the days that it doesn’t feel like it is, I’ll be here to remind you. I promise.”
“Jos, I’ll do whatever you wanna do. As long as I get to be yours. We’ll make it work, I promise.”
“I’m so proud of you.” Her face softens and her eyes glisten. “Really?” “Yeah, I’ve always been proud of you.” “I’m really proud of you too.”
You’re not hiding. I’m not running. We’re here, together, and I’m not overthinking your hug and you’re not faking your smile for the sake of pretending to be happy. We’re far from perfect and we’ll never be and that’s okay. We’ll keep working things out, finding out what works and what doesn’t. And we’ll do it together.”
“You deserve to be happy. You deserve good things, Jos,” I repeat what she said to me. We hug each other and bask in the silence that follows after until we have to part to get ready for the day.
You make the world brighter and better! I’m so happy you’re here! With love, Jos<3
Me: I know fate is real. I know because you exist My Josie: You know I’ve never been a believer, but you make it so easy to believe.
“I’ll be wherever you are. Playing or not.” She smiles at me. “You’re obsessed with me.” She shrugs bashfully, twisting a ring. “Yeah? And?” “Good because I’m very obsessed with you.”
I slide a ring off her finger and unhook my chain and add the small gold band to it. “Now I’ll get to have a little piece of you everywhere I go.”
“Josie?” I grab her wrist before she walks away. “Yeah?” “My last name looks really good on you. Really hate that I can’t see you wearing it all the time.” A breathtaking smile lifts on her face. “What’s that saying? Take a picture, it’ll last longer? Something like that, right?” My eyes widen and my throat dries because I know what she’s insinuating. “Good luck, Cap.”
“Adrian. Fate. The cliff.” He follows close by me and when we’re standing side by side, he circles his arms around me. He releases a shuddering breath and pulls back, cradling my face in his large hands. “This might sound silly, but I think he sent me to find you that night. I hate that that’s how it happened, but I’m really happy I found you, Josie.”
“You’re not here to murder me, are you?” I scan the empty dark lot. “I knew those shows were going to give you ideas. Damn, I should’ve signed the prenup. This was your plan all along, huh? To take all the money?” Lately, she’s been obsessing over true crimes. It’s all she watches or listens to. She laces our fingers. “Our relationship has run its course. It’s time I start—” “No. I refuse. You can kill me, but you’re not allowed to be with anyone else or remarry. That’s my only demand,” I say as we make our way up the trail.
remember, you promised me four.” “I remember. I’ll give you all the babies you want. Hell, I’ll give you anything you want.”
“Daniel?” “Yeah?” “I’m so happy we’re here.” She seals the space between our lips.
