More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
The defining element of a rule is a restriction placed on someone without their input or negotiation.
When someone talks about why they need a rule, they tell you something about their fears. So it's not surprising that agreements become rules when they are grounded in fear.
Rules that new partners are expected to sign on to, but which they have little or no say in, rarely provide space for new relationships to grow.
It's not possible to ever feel completely secure in a relationship whose structures are built on fear.
We often think of "rules" and "commitment" as being almost interchangeable: we demonstrate commitment by agreeing to rules that limit our behavior.
You have to trust that your partners want to take care of you—that given the freedom to do whatever they choose, they will make choices that respect your needs and honor their commitments.
"Rules have an inverse relationship to trust. They are intended to bind someone to someone else's preferences. They are aimed at constraint. I will limit you, and you will limit me, and then we'll both be safe."
A partner who can't be trusted to meet your needs can't be trusted to follow your rules. What you need is a trustworthy partner. And you need to be trustworthy yourself.
when you seek to reduce risk by imposing constraints on other people's behavior, you transfer that risk onto others.
A good relationship is not something you have, it's something you do.
something that is demanded cannot be shared freely as a gift. Intimacy is built by mutually consensual sharing, not by demands.
Any time we choose to break our partner's heart, the damage to our own relationship may be permanent.
Even if your partner uses a veto, responsibility for the breakup is still yours.
The problem with veto is not that some use it inappropriately; the problem is that it tends to cause damage no matter how it is used.
You never have to remain in a situation that hurts you.
It seems to us that if you're ready to take a step as serious as ending another person's intimate relationship, it's fair to ask that you put as much on the line as they have.
It's not possible to make a person feel empowered, just as it's not possible to make a person feel secure. The best we can hope to do is to create an environment that welcomes participation and encourages empowerment.
People who are disempowered have little to lose by breaking the rules.
Some key defining elements of empowerment in a romantic relationship are: engaging and participating in the decision-making process for decisions that affect you having a full range of options available when decisions are made, not a simple yes or no option (or, in extreme cases, the "Accept it or leave" option) having agency over one's own body, relationships and life being able to express needs, opinions, desires and boundaries having access to the information that materially affects your relationship, person, safety or security being able to propose alternatives having the ability to object
...more
A more rational take on equality might mean that everyone has equal power to choose how they run their lives.
In the context of polyamory, an empowered relationship means that no one outside a relationship has the authority to place restrictions on that relationship.
A key to practicing empowered relationships is to recognize and understand the power we hold.
flexibility honors the agency of the people involved.
A flexible agreement spells out the nature of the obligation and empowers adults to make decisions as they see fit, so long as the obligation is met.
As with everything in polyamory, flexibility is key.
For a child, having happy, fulfilled parents who are committed to that child (in whatever configuration those parents come, and even if that configuration changes), and who are living lives that fulfill them, is far superior to having two parents who are "together" dysfunctionally only because rules and a hierarchy keep them in line.
Empowered relationships rely on trust.
Preparing the ground for relationships to flourish means thinking carefully about not just how to meet your needs, but how to meet the needs of all the people involved.
Monogamous society teaches us that to keep our partners faithful and ourselves secure, we should limit their opportunity, keeping them away from desirable people.
Rules that seek to dictate the structure of a relationship that is yet to exist (for example, "We will only be in a quad") are attempts to map a country you have not yet seen.
But we cannot explore the ocean if we're unwilling to lose sight of the shore.
Avoiding discomfort isn't really the same thing as creating happiness; real happiness is often on the other side of our comfort zone.
Agreements and boundaries will be part of any polyamorous relationship.
Healthy agreements are those that encourage moving in the direction of greatest courage.
The agreements that work most consistently are those that are rooted in compassion, encourage mutual respect and empowerment,
Any well-implemented set of agreements needs to allow for the vulnerability of human hearts and the unpredictability of life.
Successful written agreements are documents that you hold yourself to, not something others hold you to.
The best agreements are not ones that steer people away from bad things, but rather ones that point us toward good things.
There is nothing noble in trying to preserve the status quo from things that can make our lives better.
The starting point to a happy poly life is the ability to say "Our relationships can change, and that is okay. My partner and I can still build things that will make us both happy even if they don't look quite the way they do now."
The only real control you have in your relationships comes from working together to express the things you need even while change is happening all around you.
Relationships, like living things, have a natural pacing and rhythm.
Several neurotransmitters, most notably dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine,* are produced in greater quantities, generally producing emotional effects that are part attraction and devotion, part obsessive-compulsive disorder, part mystical experience and part physical lust.
Patience in communication is also key, because a partner in the throes of NRE may not hear you the first time.
When you're the one experiencing NRE, mindfulness is the only consistently successful strategy we've seen. Be aware that you're not in your right mind, that your perceptions are distorted, and that your judgment is impaired. Don't make life-altering decisions while intoxicated. Don't pledge your life to this marvelous person you met last week. Be aware that you will be predisposed to neglect your existing relationships, and try not to do that. Be willing to do a reality check.
commitment in poly relationships is often quite different from the monogamous template.
Simply being in a relationship with someone is not a commitment to the traditional relationship escalator. A pattern is not a commitment—and an assumption that it is can lead to a feeling of entitlement on one side and confusion on the other.
Polyamory means creating relationships deliberately, not making assumptions about what they "should" look like.
One challenge with polyamorous relationships is they require a willingness to leave space for other people who have their own needs and desires.
The moment you begin expecting any form of intimacy from a partner because of a commitment he has made to you, or ignore boundaries because you feel your partner has no right to set them because of prior commitments, your relationship has become coercive.
