More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
So we have two choices: embrace and love what we have and feel joy as deeply and fully as we can, and eventually lose everything—or shield ourselves, be miserable…and eventually lose everything.
Living in fear won't stop us from losing what we love, it will only stop us from enjoying it.
one of the hidden assumptions we often make about relationships: we can feel entitled to have our partners experience new things with us first, and become hurt if a partner chooses to experience these things with someone else.
When avoidance of discomfort comes at the cost of placing controls on other people, we disempower those people.
The cornerstone of compassion is simple, but emotionally difficult to achieve. It means, first and foremost, assuming good intent from others. In other words, looking for the most charitable interpretation of someone else's deepest motives.
Compassion means coming from a place of understanding that others have needs of their own, which might be different than ours, and extending to them the same understanding, the same willingness to appreciate their own struggles, that we would want them to extend to us.
Expectations lead to disappointment when they aren't met, and fear of that disappointment can cause us to hide our expectations—sometimes even from ourselves.
When we talk about communication in polyamory, we're actually talking about a very specific type of communication: speaking the truth about ourselves, our needs and our boundaries with honesty and precision, and listening with grace when our partners speak of themselves, their needs and their boundaries.
Respect is reciprocal;
Equality of opportunity is a very different thing than equality of circumstance;
Relationships are always voluntary;
you cannot get what you want if you don't ask for what you want.
Life is better when you lead with your hopes, not your fears.
Controlling information to try to keep a partner (or to get a partner to do what we want) is one way we treat people as things.
Stating our needs means standing up for them and taking the risk that others may not agree to meet them.
We propose a radical strategy to deal with what people say: In the absence of concrete evidence to the contrary, believe them.
triangular communication leads to diffusion of responsibility.
the pivot partner is the master of her own decisions and resources.
you should address anything that bothers you directly with the person involved.
There is no communication—at least not meaningful communication—without vulnerability.
"If you're afraid to say it, that means you need to say it." When we are feeling most raw, most vulnerable, most scared of opening up, those are the times we most need to open up.
A subtle sort of coercion arises any time you believe that your partner owes you something.
The best measure of the health of any relationship is the quality of the communication in it.
You listen intently to what the other person is saying, rather than using that time to think about the next thing you want to say. Then you repeat back to the other person what they have just said to you—in your own words, so that they know you understood. Then you trade roles.
Direct communication. This technique entails two things: being direct in what you say—without subtext, hidden meaning, coded language or tacit expectations—and assuming directness in what you hear, without looking for hidden meaning or buried messages.
Statements that begin with "I want," "I feel" and "I need" are all markers of direct communication.
When you ask for what you need, you give a gift to the people you love.
understanding our feelings is the only way to grow.
We feel what we feel; the secret is to understand that we still have power even in the face of our feelings.
Emotions are like weather; they come and go.
Talk about things that bother you while they're still small.
The difference between expressing and controlling is in your expectations.
Just as the difference between asking and demanding lies in whether you can accept a no, the difference between expressing a feeling and being controlling is in whether it's okay for your partner to continue her present course of action.
If we want our lovers to be honest with us, we have to make it safe for them to be honest.
Mistakes happen because someone is trying to solve a problem or meet a need.
Compassion, like communication, is one of those things that's most valuable when it's most difficult.
Jealousy is the feeling we get when we drag tomorrow's rain cloud over today's sunshine.
When we transfer responsibility for our emotions to others, we yield control over our own lives.
Jealousy is a feeling, not an identity.
Almost always, jealousy is rooted in some sort of fear: of abandonment, of being replaced, of losing the attention of someone you love, of being alone. Jealousy isn't really about the person you feel jealous of. It's about you:
One of the best ways to start addressing our fears in poly relationships is to ask our partners what they value in us…and trust that what they say is true. And if what they say doesn't stick, ask again. And listen. And keep at it until those things that make us magnificent in our partners' eyes start to sink in.
value in a relationship comes from who you are, not from what you do,
If we are to respect the gifts of intimacy we are offered, we have an ethical obligation to treat one another with care.
If we make others responsible for our own emotions, we introduce coercion into the relationship, and coercion erodes consent.
It's hard to set boundaries in a relationship you feel you can't live without, because setting boundaries means admitting there are things that might end your relationship.
loving someone—or giving to someone—is not supposed to hurt.
Genuine boundaries recognize that others make their own choices, and we do not have the right (or ability) to control those choices.
The key with boundaries is that you always set them around those things that are yours: your body, your mind, your emotions, your time, intimacy with you. You always have a right to regulate access to what is yours.
No one should ever be punished for setting personal boundaries, or for withholding or revoking consent.
Access to another person's body and mind is a privilege, not a right. Nobody should ever be punished for expressing a boundary or for revoking consent.
