More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory

by Eve Rickert

Do I have access to a social support system that is friendly to and knowledgeable about polyamory? Do I feel like I have friends I can discuss relationship problems with who will not blame polyamory as the problem? Who in my life is important for me to be able to talk to about my relationships? Whom do I think it's important for my partners to meet? If I am thinking about staying closeted, how will I feel about concealing my important relationships from people who are close to me? What risks do I face—including personal, professional or physical—in being public about my polyamorous relationships? Are these risks I can afford to take? If I am thinking of staying closeted, is it because I face genuine and serious risks, or am I concerned about being inconvenienced or losing status? Who else is affected by my decision to be out or closeted? Do I understand the effects my decision will have on them?

He loved her, of course, but better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing.

For a surprising number of problems, the solution is in fact more love. The principle of more love can cut through many dilemmas in relationships. Listen. Cherish your partners. Cherish yourself. Trust your partners. Be trustworthy. Honor others' feelings and your own. Seek joy for everyone involved.

Being awesome is such a valuable skill to cultivate that we offer it here, along with more love, as a key takeaway from this book. When faced with a challenging situation, the simple pledge to yourself to be awesome will carry you and your relationships very far indeed.

Be flexible. Be compassionate. Rules can never cure insecurity. Integrity matters. Never try to script what your relationships will look like. Love is abundant. Compatibility matters. You cannot sacrifice your happiness for that of another. Own your own shit. Admit when you fuck up. Forgive when others fuck up. Don't try to find people to stuff into the empty spaces in your life; instead, make spaces for the people in your life. If you need a relationship to complete you, get a dog. It is almost impossible to be loving or compassionate when all you feel is fear of loss. Trust that your partners want to be with you, and that if given the freedom to do anything they please, they will choose to cherish and support you. Most relationship problems can be avoided by good partner selection. Nobody can give you security or self-esteem; you have to build that yourself.

And if you remember nothing else from this book, remember this: Love more and be awesome.