More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory

by Eve Rickert

A friend of ours likes to say these stresses aren't poly problems; they're roommate problems. We don't tend to consider live-in romantic partners the same way we think about roommates, but a lot of unnecessary suffering can be avoided when we employ the same strategies as for non-romantic roommates—strategies like negotiation and clear expectations around dishes in the sink, household chores, basic courtesy, respect for other people's sleeping schedules, and willingness to clean up after ourselves.

If you want your partner to make a certain commitment to you, don't assume…ask. If you are uncertain what commitments your partner thinks he or she has made, ask.

You can state future intentions, but you cannot pre-consent, and both people must recognize and respect personal boundaries in the present time, regardless of intentions stated in the past.

Whatever your reasons, if the circumstances of your life do not allow you to treat multiple partners ethically, then it is not ethical to seek them.

What are my existing commitments? How much time do they leave for new partners? When am I open to taking new partners? What assumptions do I make about commitments in my relationships? What do I need from my relationships? How often do I re-evaluate my needs? How do I define "commitment"? Do my definitions leave room for nontraditional commitments and nontraditional relationship trajectories? How do I leave space for new people to come into my life? If you have children, or are thinking of having them, here are some additional questions worth considering: When I think about family structures that are healthy for children, what features do they all have in common? How can I and the other adults in my life contribute to an environment that is safe and nurturing for children? Do I trust my partners and their partners to be supportive of my responsibilities to my children, and do I have confidence in my ability to select supportive partners?

If your partners are in conflict, it's also easy to slip into the role of trying to play the mediator, or of "translating" them to each other. This is dangerous ground, because if they don't resolve the conflict themselves, it's not resolved at all. Attempting to mediate can end up estranging them from each other and eroding their trust in you.

Negotiation is important, but it's also important not to lose sight of the purpose of a negotiation, which is ultimately to make a choice. A choice, hopefully, that upholds your commitments and honors the needs of everyone affected, but a choice nonetheless. Gather data, certainly. Discuss, negotiate, listen and empathize. But then make a decision.

Your choices are always yours, regardless of whether they make you or your partners happy or unhappy. Own up to them. If you use phrases such as "Jill won't let me," or "Karen made me," or even "The rules say I have to," you are shifting responsibility.

First, if you start from the premise that you are an autonomous adult responsible for your own allocation of time, your partners will be less likely to see you as a commodity to be fought over. Second, if you start from the assumption that your time is yours until it's given to someone, this reduces (but doesn't eliminate) the possibility that a partner will see time given to another as a personal loss. But, perhaps most importantly, when you understand that time spent with a partner is a gift and not an entitlement, this will help you cultivate a sense of gratitude for it, and gratitude is a powerful shield against jealousy and fear.

So it's good etiquette for the pivot to take the initiative and ask the others if they would like to meet. If one of your partners expresses an interest first in meeting the other, be the one to make it happen, and make it clear that the meeting matters to you, too.

Creating a safe space for your partner to talk openly about his feelings goes a long way toward making a solution possible.

Reassure your partner. A lot. Talk about the things you value in him and the ways you love him. (And, really, do this even when your partners aren't in crisis. There's never a bad time to remind them how much you cherish them.) When you're done, reassure him some more.

Damaging one relationship to try to fix another usually ends up creating two broken relationships.

Remember, you are your partners' advocates. This doesn't go just one way. You have a right, and a responsibility, to advocate for all your relationships. It's not okay to damage one relationship or hurt one person to try to help another.

When my partners have competing desires, how well do I express what I need? Do I make sure my own desires aren't lost in the shuffle? Do I take responsibility for my choices, or do I expect my partners to make them for me? What does "fairness" mean to me? How does this affect the way I make choices and interact with my partners? What do I value most in each of my relationships? Do I prefer to spend time with my partners separately or together? How do they feel about that? Do I respect their other time commitments? What boundaries do I set for myself in relation to each of my partners? What accommodations do I make if one of my partners experiences jealousy? Do my accommodations improve my relationships or create other problems? Do I support my partners' relationships with one another in ways that respect their agency and right to choose their level of intimacy? How can I help support a partner who is feeling jealous or passed over? How do I handle my own feelings of jealousy?

If you love someone, set them free. If they fly away, they were never yours to begin with. If they come back, be grateful and sweet and happy they are near you, and recognize that they can fly away any time, so just don't be an asshole, okay?

I realized that I have a hard time forming sexual connections with people I have no emotional connection with,

You don't have to be polyamorous to go to a poly discussion group!

Some people are happiest in monogamy, and that's okay. If your partner is monogamous, that isn't a rejection of you, and it doesn't mean your partner is unevolved or unenlightened. It may, however, mean you have to make a choice: how important is polyamory to you? Can you be happy if your partner wants you to remain monogamous for life? If not, you may be faced with ending the relationship.

"Relationship broken? Add more people!"

We're not saying a relationship needs to be perfect before you open it to polyamory, but polyamory will put pressure on any weakness that exists.

The cornerstones of ethical polyamory, as we've discussed, are consent and communication. Cheating undermines both, and it's nearly impossible to rebuild a relationship until trust and communication are restored.

For starters, a person who has already shown a willingness to cheat in a monogamous relationship may well cheat in a polyfidelitous relationship. The same factors that led to the affair may still be present. Moreover, it's difficult to sympathize with the notion that "we'll be polyfidelitous so I can keep my illicit partner but you can't have one."

The point is, there are levels of cheating and differences of opinion about it. Generally speaking, if you're doing something you can't tell your partner about, you're probably cheating.

What assumptions do I have about what my relationships "should" look like? How are these assumptions influenced by the cultural narratives about monogamy, and how much are they truly mine? What parts of my relationships are most important? How can I preserve those elements while knowing that my relationships will change over time? What guarantees do I want from my relationships? Are they realistic? How much space do I have to devote to new relationships right now? As I seek new relationships, what guarantees can I offer my new partners that I will make space for them, listen to their needs, and be able to change to accommodate these new relationships? Where does my sense of security come from in my relationships? What am I willing to do to help my partners feel secure, and will those things come at a cost to any new relationships I may start?

Surely the most ubiquitous misunderstanding of love is "love hurts." Loving never hurts—it's wanting others to be different from how they are, and not getting what you want, that we find so painful.

Mono/poly relationships only work when each person wholeheartedly embraces who the other is, allowing them to live the way that's most authentic for them, without judgment. Solid intimate relationships do not come from a place of wishing our loved ones would be someone else. Intimacy comes from accepting and loving others for who they are.

A monogamous partner may see polyamory as a problem to be managed, rather than a source of joy for a loved one.

Polyamory might look like a need for sexual variety, but a better way to think about it is in terms of openness to deep personal connection, not too different from the way most people are open to making new friends.

Her biggest fear, she discovered, was of being perceived as a victim or having people feel sorry for her. In the case of meeting Morgan's parents, she found it helped her to be present at the meeting, and to plan with Morgan and Nina beforehand how they would all present a united front. In doing so, she demonstrated to Morgan's parents that she was fully consenting to the situation and had agency in her relationship with Morgan.

By now, you've probably noticed that a theme in this book is trust. We believe that trust between partners is an essential part of happy, stable relationships.

If you have a child and you decide to add another, it probably isn't because there's something wrong with the first child. It's about bringing more love and intimacy into your life.

Your partner's other partners are human beings. It can be hard at times not to resent them. It can be tempting to tell yourself they have no right to be there. That's not true. Polyamory is a valid relationship model, and the people involved in a poly relationship have a right to be there, just as you do. Your partner's other partners are not your enemy. They don't necessarily have to be your family, or even your friends, but respecting them and treating them kindly as people your partner loves, and who add value to your partner's life, will definitely help the relationship run smoothly.

Transparency is important. The polyamorous partner may hesitate to tell the monogamous person about new interests for fear of hurting him. The monogamous person might not want to talk about fears or insecurities for fear of upsetting the polyamorous partner. Wrong and wrong. Relationships live or die on the quality of the communication in them. It's vital that both people talk openly, even when talking openly is difficult.

When negotiating a mono/poly relationship, ask yourself, "What are the essential things I must have? At what point will my needs no longer be met? What are my values? What must I have in order to act with integrity?" Don't compromise on those. If you negotiate away your integrity, ethics or agency, you are no longer a full and equal participant in the relationship.

focus on practical things your partner does have control over. If you need more time with her, say "I need more time with you," not "I don't want you spending so much time with other people." Be concrete about the things that are bothering you—schedules, chores, responsibilities, time with the kids, fun time together—and negotiate for those things specifically.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS A CHOICE Overwhelmingly, the social message we're given about relationships is that falling in love means moving in together, getting married, settling down, starting a family. The "relationship escalator" narrative doesn't dwell much on the notion of choice; it can seem that once we fall in love, we're on that ride whether we want to be or not. It can be surprisingly easy to lose track of the fact that we do in reality have choices, even if they're difficult.

And remember that no matter how much you love each other, you are not obligated to be in a relationship with each other. You have a choice. If it doesn't work, if one of you is hurting too much, it's okay to let it go. The fairy tale is wrong: True love really doesn't conquer all, all the time.

Mono/poly relationships offer some unique challenges and require careful negotiation if they are to succeed. Before embarking on a mono/poly relationship, here are a few things to consider: If you are the monogamous partner: Why do I identify as monogamous? Is it because I only want one partner for myself, or because I want my partner to be only with me, or both? Do I enjoy time to myself or without my partner? Do I have hobbies I enjoy alone or with others, and a social life that does not rely on my partner? Am I prepared to face uncomfortable feelings such as jealousy, insecurity and fear about my partner's loyalty, and to put in the work required to overcome them? If you are the poly partner: Am I prepared to give my monogamous partner time and space to process his feelings about my polyamory? Am I prepared to make concessions in my relationship to help the monogamous person work through his feelings? Are there limits on the concessions I will make, either in terms of what I will agree to or the time span of the agreement? For both partners: Do I fully understand my partner's choice to be monogamous or polyamorous, and am I able to accept my partner for who she is? Can I build a relationship that respects the agency not only of each of us, but of others who are involved as well?

When you're considering unbarriered sex with a partner, you want to be clear about your approach and expectations: whether you are making a risk-management decision that's open to future negotiation, whether the step you are taking has emotional significance for you, and whether you expect the agreement to be temporary or permanent. Perhaps most important is to agree in advance on what protocols you will follow when someone makes a mistake—because they will—or breaks an agreement.

No matter what discussions you have, you're probably going to feel some pretty strong emotions if pregnancy occurs. That's normal. Pregnancy is a big deal and likely to be disruptive for everyone. Talk about it before it happens. Give yourselves time to process your feelings, then talk some more. Please don't postpone the discussion until too late.

This looks good on paper but doesn't work well in practice, because usually jealousy isn't about allocation of resources; it's about insecurity, self-doubt, and feelings of unworthiness or fear.

How do I define "sex"? What activities are sex? What aren't? Is sex a mandatory part of an intimate relationship for me? Would I consider a relationship with someone uninterested in sex or stay in a relationship with someone who loses interest in sex with me? Does unbarriered sex carry emotional significance to me? How do I feel about having unbarriered sex with someone who is having unbarriered sex with someone else? How do I feel about group sex and sexual exhibitionism? How do I feel about sex outside a romantic relationship? What happens if I or a partner of mine has an unexpected pregnancy?

It's helpful to remember that your doctor works for you. You can always fire him and get another. Wherever possible, if you encounter stigma or shaming from health care professionals, speak up. Say that the behavior is inappropriate. If possible, consider filing a formal complaint, switching health care professionals, or both.

Many doctors will say that the HPV vaccine is available only to women under age twenty-six. This is untrue. Anyone, of any gender or any age, can get the vaccine; however, you will likely have to pay for it. At the time of writing, the vaccine costs about $150 per dose, and three doses are required over a six-month period.

Do I know my current STI status and that of all my partners? Including HSV (confirmed by testing)? How do I feel about me or my partner having sex with someone whose STI status is unknown? What do I consider "safer sex" under such circumstances? How do I feel about me or a partner having sex with someone who has a common STI such as HSV? What do I consider "safer sex" under such circumstances?

We can easily be hurt and broken, and it is good to remember that we can just as easily be the ones who have done the hurting and the breaking.

Some of these problems lack graceful answers. Others seem to lack answers at all. Should you run into one of these, the best advice we can offer is try to keep focused on behaving as ethically as you can, treat those around you with gentleness, and seek to be the best version of yourself.

If you believe you are getting something by right, it's easy to take it for granted and not recognize its value. Remember that your partner is acting freely, out of love for you and a desire to be with you. Be grateful for what they give, but understand they do not owe you the same thing forever.

When problems arise, look carefully to yourself. Are your actions making the problem worse? Are you blaming a partner for something she hasn't done yet, just because you're afraid she might? Are you actually pushing her toward doing what you don't want? What are the expectations between you? Have you communicated them clearly?