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She would’ve hurt me as much as I hurt her. My fingers tremble as I type out I’m sorry. I stare at the two inadequate words. Then I delete them. She deserves my apologies in person. Me: Did you sleep more?
Baby Doll: Yeah. I just woke back up.
Me: I’m glad you got more rest. Baby Doll: Same. But it took a bit to fall back asleep since I’d been laughing so much.
Me: You think it’s funny that your little friend chased me off the property? That damn fox was nipping at my heels the whole way to my fucking truck. Baby Doll: Hilarious. Baby Doll: You should probably bring him another gift, though. He might not let you back on the property otherwise.
Baby Doll: I’m sure he appreciated it. Me: It was a start. But I still have a lot to atone for. Me: I’ll make it right.
But the loss of her… The loss of her bright presence in my life… And then finding out I could’ve lost her for good, before I even knew her… That broke something inside me. And the fear swallows me whole all over again.
Baby Doll: Tonight. Baby Doll: You can start making it right tonight.
And when I settle onto my back, she shifts in her sleep. Moving into me. As though we do it every night. Drawn together like magnets.
And I close my eyes. I can be this for her. Be her comfort. Be her warmth. I can be anything for her. If she’ll let me. I fill my lungs with the scent of her. If Kendra will let me, I’ll have coffee with her in the morning. I parked half a mile down the road, down a dead-end street. So I can stay. So we can talk. And if she’ll let me, I’ll tell her everything.
Hurting you is the last thing I ever wanted to do. I don’t deserve another chance with you. I stare at the line of his jaw. He didn’t ask for another chance. Just said he didn’t deserve one.
Replayed the look in her eyes when Joe showed up. It’s a day that haunts me. But knowing she’s been using the coffee I got her… that she didn’t throw it away… It settles something inside me.
didn’t mean to sleep in so late. I should’ve made it before your meeting.”
“I haven’t been sleeping well. I haven’t been doing well.” “Me either.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper back. Kendra holds up a hand, stopping me from saying more. “Before… Luther…”
“Before we… go further. I need you to know that I’m okay. That the cancer stuff is in the past. I’ve made peace with it.”
“If you’re here because you feel bad for me… Then you need to stop. I don’t want your affection because of pity.”
“I need you to hear me.”
“I feel sorry that you had to go through that. I feel anger that you had to go through that. I feel horrible, all-consuming fear knowing that you had to go through that. And I feel sick thinking about you doing it alone.”
“But I don’t pity you, Baby Doll. And affection is just one of the things I’ll give you if you let me. I’ll give you everything I have. If you need a treatment. If you need money for a specialist. If you need to go to the doctor… I’ll go with you. But I’ll do it because I don’t want to be anywher...
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“Okay.” “...
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“I was wrong. Everything I said to you… I was wrong about all of it. And I’m sorry. I...
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“You should’ve. I would’ve told yo...
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“But it doesn’t change anything about my dad.”
“It changes everything. Joe was an excuse I used to make letting you go hurt less.” I shake my head. “But it didn’t work.” Her brows furrow. “You’re not worried about him finding out about…”
“I’m not worried about him. We’ll wait to tell him. Until we have this sorted. Until…”
“I don’t understand.”
“You said you weren’t right for me. And now ...
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“Now that you know I can’t have kids, you’re suddenl...
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“You’re still too good for me, Baby Doll.”
“But I’m greedy enough not to care. You’re too fucking good and too fucking sweet for an old man like me. And I couldn’t live with myself if I kept you from a future I thought you wanted. So, instead of talking to you, I let you go.”
“I let you go… Because I didn’t want to hold you back. Didn’t want to make you choose. But I
should have asked.” I sigh and lift my gaze back to meet hers. “I should’ve told you.” “Told me what?” She’s back to whispering. I fill my lungs. “I should have told you I can’t have children either.”
“Her mom…” I sigh. “Sit with me for this part?” Kendra nods. Bracing against her chair, I stand, then hold my hands out. Kendra places her palms in mine, and I help her up. Then I take her chair. I move her coffee down to the floor of the deck and pat my leg. Kendra hesitates. “Sit on my lap.”
“Tell me.” “Twenty-seven years ago, I was dating Ashley’s mom. It wasn’t serious. Or it didn’t feel serious to me. But then she told me she was pregnant. We weren’t at a point where we’d talked about having kids, but I’d always wanted them. Eventually. So…”
“I did what I thought I was supposed to do. I asked her to marry me.”
But hearing that fucking firefighter simply ask about Kendra… I was damn near ready to commit homicide.
“She doesn’t. And she doesn’t visit.” “Good.” I trace circles on the inside of Kendra’s knee with my thumb. “When we got married, Ashley’s mom moved into my house. It was all in my name, so I had her out within a week.”
“I’m sorry.” I squeeze hers back. “I’m not. It was all pretty fucked up, but in the end, I got the child I always wanted.”
