Releasing 10 (Boys of Tommen, #6)

by Chloe Walsh

“Listen, don’t overreact.” I tried to reason with him, repressing the urge to roll my eyes. “It’s fine. It’s okay. You didn’t want to do it, and I did.” I shrugged. “I fixed our problem, so if you think about it, we’re in a better place than we were this morning.” “You are un-fucking-believable.”

“You have to go home now, Liz,” he strangled out, physically picking me up and walking outside. “I can’t do this,” he told my mother, who was waiting at the car. “I’m sorry.” “Oh, Hugh, sweetheart.” Mam’s eyes were laced with concern. “What happened?” “Take her, Catherine,” Hugh begged, voice cracking. “Please just take her.” “Where are you going?” I called after him.

How could she do it to me? How could give herself away like that? Why wasn’t I enough for her?

My parents couldn’t seem to stand me, and my father often took my mother away from the house for long stretches of time every evening. I knew why. He was giving me privacy to kill myself. He wanted me dead. They all did.

Knowing I needed to do this to stabilize my mind before the switch came, I fixated on a particularly fleshy part of my upper thigh and went to town on myself, carving, cutting, and soothing my soul with every rough drag of the blade.

Because I had to walk away from her. I could handle almost anything Liz threw at me, but not that. I couldn’t handle that.

It was a mistake to go over there, and I would send my sister in the future, but at the time, I’d hoped our interaction would snap her out of it. But nope. Like a fucked-up phoenix rising from the ashes of turmoil, Liz sauntered into school this morning still rampant and still soaring in her mania. School was absolute torture because not only did Liz continue hooking up with my teammate but she was also relentless in her attempt to seduce me.

Sex was all she could think about, and every time I rejected her advances, she ran back to Pierce like a fucking nymphomaniac. I understood her bipolar had a great deal to do with her sudden hypersexuality, but that didn’t ease the sheer fucking heartbreak I was enduring. I knew this wasn’t who Liz was, and I knew she was sick, but I was too hurt and too fucking raw to separate the two.

My heart was torn to ribbons, and my confidence was at an all-time low. I felt like an expendable toy that she’d enjoyed playing with for nine years and had grown bored of. I felt like I was nothing. No...

The worst part of it all was that I still loved her, and I still wanted to be with her. And I fucking hated myself for feeling that way.

“She doesn’t love me anymore, Mam.” “I don’t believe that for a second,” Mam argued gently. “Teenage girls don’t cry over boys like this when they’re not in love.” That hit me hard. Fucking gutted me. Tore my heart to ribbons. “Fuck.” Dropping my head in my hands, I gripped my hair so tight, I thought I might rip it from my scalp. I certainly needed to fuck something up.

“Listen, all you need to know is I didn’t put a hand on her, Mam. I wouldn’t, okay? I’m waiting for her… I mean, I was happy to wait.” “But?” “But she didn’t want to.” “Didn’t want to what, Hugh?” “Wait for me.”

I didn’t want to be this way anymore. I wanted to get better. To find the girl I used to be and become her once more. But she wasn’t there anymore, and if, by some small miracle, I found her, the boy she loved with all her heart had been chased off by the demon that had taken on the form of her skin. What was the point? I’d already lost everything. I was ruined.

“I can handle the mood swings. I can handle the depression. Hell, I can even handle the mania. And the crazy fucking eyes. And the way I never know if you’re going to try to fuck me or hurt me. But I can’t handle the cheating.” “I would never hurt you.” “Liar,” he roared, tears streaking his cheeks, as he pulled at his hair in utter distress. “Look at me, baby! Take a good fucking look!”

“No.” He shook his head again. “We can’t because you publicly shit on us, Liz.” “I didn’t mean to do any of this!” “I know, I know,” he groaned, sounding truly conflicted. “I know you’re sick. I know you don’t mean any of this, but it’s still real for me. Because I’m here, Liz. I’m the collateral fucking damage.” “Hugh…” “I don’t have a bubble to fall into, baby. My feelings are real and I don’t have a button to switch it off like you.”

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I tried to absorb his words. “Please don’t leave me.” “I didn’t leave you, Liz,” he croaked, lifting his head to look at me. “You left me.” His brown eyes were trained on mine, and I could see everything he was feeling in this moment. I couldn’t bear to see the hurt in his eyes, but somehow, I forced myself to do just that. Because I had to look. I had to see what I had done to this boy. The boy I loved with every beat of my heart.

I had broken him; this bright, beautiful, brave soul had been reduced to broken pieces. They were scattered all over his bedroom floor. He couldn’t take me back, not even if he wanted to. Because his pride would never allow for it.

I wanted to clean up my image and not be a humiliation to him every damn day, but I was still me. I couldn’t erase my past. I was used up and dirty. I always had been. There was no way of fixing that. There was no magic spell to eradicate my memories. Knowing that I’d given my body to a boy I couldn’t bear to remember made me want to hold my breath forever. It made me want to peel the skin from my bones. Shame. That was all I was left with.

If I took her back, this was how it would be for me, and I deserved more. I loved her enough to stay, I adored her enough to hang on in there, but until when? When did this end? What happened when she had another episode? Would she cheat on me again?

I laughed at how scared I used to be of feeling like this. All the dread and the worry. All the panic and uncertainty, and for what? Because I feared losing what I loved the most in life? He was already long gone. I had nothing left to lose now. Those damn doctors with their fucking pills. Liars, the lot of them. When I was on the meds, I was fucking miserable. And now? Now, I was free. And I felt liberated.

“Well, Gerard told me that I’m not supposed to talk about it anymore,” she continued to ramble. “He wouldn’t say why or explain anything to me, but he made me promise that I wouldn’t talk about your relationship anymore. Not to anyone.” “It’s okay,” I whispered. “Hugh has every right to want to forget about it.” Her eyes widened with sadness. “Forget about your relationship?” “Me, Claire,” I replied, swallowing deeply. “To forget about me.”

I knew what he was doing the second the historic drum pattern and guitar riff sounded in my ears. He’s responding. Heart hammering violently, I snatched up the CD case that was thrown on top of me and just stared at him, while Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way” drifted through the speakers.

The Killers’ “Mr. Brightside” started to blast through the speakers then, and I sighed dejectedly, feeling like I was being personally attacked by the lyrics. If I had just stayed home like Johnny had, then I wouldn’t be sitting on a sixth year’s couch with a full view of my own personal hell. Liz was here, rubbing herself all over Pierce as they attempted to dance but kept stopping to maul the faces off each other. Jesus Christ. I couldn’t catch a break. I honestly fucking couldn’t.

“I’m trying,” I bit out, feeling my heart shatter and thunder all at once. “But I’m just so fucking hollow, Gibs.” “I know,” he told me, squeezing my knee. “And I know you still love her, but it’s over, lad.” My oldest friend in the world winced before adding, “You have to let her go.”

“I love ya, Gibs,” I decided to tell him, because why the hell not? Liz had already humiliated me beyond all limits. I didn’t have any pride left to lose. “I don’t know where I’d be right now without you, lad.” “The feeling is mutual, brother,” he replied, squeezing my knee again. “You’ve gotten me through my fair share of dark days, too.”

Shrugging like I didn’t have a care in the world, I leaned back and took a swig of my beer before answering, “Nothing sinister happened.” “There’s a rumor going around that she fucked Pierce behind your back, lad.” I forced myself not to wince. “Don’t believe everything you hear.” “So she didn’t?” “We just decided to call it a day,” I heard myself say, lying through my teeth to protect the reputation of a girl who didn’t give a damn about mine.

Something was broken inside of me, had been since Caoimhe died, maybe even before it, and I was drowning in the aftermath. Lying down on the mattress, I let the boy I’d ruined my life with do what he wanted to my body. When he was finished with me, he climbed off the bed, zipped up his jeans, offered me a half-hearted stroke on the cheek, and disappeared back downstairs to his friends, leaving me alone in my thoughts, in my turmoil.

His whiskey eyes seared holes through my soul, and I wanted to both run into his arms and throw myself off a bridge. He knew exactly what I had done upstairs with another boy, and it made me feel every bit the whore the monster molded me into. I could see it in Hugh’s eyes that it was over for him, that my actions tonight only solidified his decision to walk away.

“Your eyes are black,” he said sadly. “You’re not well, and Pierce shouldn’t be taking advantage.” “I don’t care about him,” I cried, pulling on his arm. “I only care about you.” “You need to get some help, Liz.” He sounded so torn. “You need to do it, okay?” “If I take my meds, will you take me back?” “You should take your meds regardless, Liz.” “But would it help?” I choked out, feeling desperate. “Would you take me back?” “No, Liz.” Releasing a broken sigh, Hugh shook his head and stepped around me. “I’m never taking you back.”

Because I was so damn deeply in love with this girl that it physically hurt to stand here and not hold her. “I love you,” she sniffled, using her shoulder to wipe her cheek. “No matter what.” “I love you, too.” I couldn’t stop myself from responding. And I clearly loved her no matter what because my feelings still stood despite the cheating and heartbreak.

“But I deserve it,” she squeezed out, gaze cast downwards. “And this hurts because I know what I’ve lost.” I wanted to tell her that she hadn’t lost me, but I would be a liar. “I want you to be healthy,” I said instead. “It’s important to me, Liz.” “You’re important to me,” she breathed, sidling closer until I could feel her hot breath against my ear. “You’re everything to me.”

“Do you miss me, Hugh?” she asked, eyes growing darker the longer she looked at me. “Like I miss you?” “You know I miss you,” I replied, not bothering to lie. There was no point. She held every piece of my mangled heart. I figured she might as well take the last sliver of my pride while she was at it. “It kills me to see you with him.” “I don’t want him.” Her voice took on a sultry tone. “I’ve never wanted him.” “And yet here we are.” I shook my head in frustration. “You fucked him, but you fucked me harder.”

“Because we’re broken up, Liz!” he shouted back at me, hands in his hair as he paced. “Because you aren’t you right now and I know better!” “Oh, relax!” I sneered, full-on raging now. “You didn’t crawl into my bed in the middle of the night and fuck me like he did!” Hugh gaped at me. “What are you talking about?” “The monster!” I screamed, throwing my hands up. “You know he fucks me in my dreams, don’t ya? He’s been doing it for years!” I choked out a maniacal laugh. “Oops. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you I’ve been sleep-cheating on you for years!”

“Why can’t you just love me!” I screamed, stalking toward him when he tried to leave. “Why can’t anyone fucking love me!”

“I do love you!” Hugh roared into my face, chest heaving. “If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here!” “Then fix me,” I begged, clawing at his shirt. “Make it go away!” “I’ve tried!” he strangled out, stepping around me and stalking out of my room. “For ten years! Nothing worked! And I can’t keep letting myself feel this way!” “What way?” “Miserable!” Hugh shouted. “You’re making my life a fucking misery, baby!”

A stronger man would have been able to hold their ground. But I wasn’t a man yet, and I loved her too much to not comfort her when she was falling apart in my arms. “I love you, too,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around her. “I always have, and I always will.” “No, no, no,” she cried, clawing at my back to drag my body closer to hers. “Please don’t say it.” “But I can’t be with you,” I strangled out, holding her up when her legs gave out. “We can’t get back together.”

“You do it every time, ba–” My voice cracked, and I had to suck in several heaving breaths to get a handle on myself before I went on. “I can’t keep living my life like this.” Sniffling, I cradled her head in my hand. “Not sleeping because I don’t know where you are, or who you’re with, or if you’ve come off your meds and have another asshole between your legs. Because you’re manic and want to fuck anything with a pulse.” I shook my head, feeling broken. “I wish I could find a way to make this work, but I can’t, Liz. I can’t do this with you for another decade. I can’t plan a future with you when, at any moment, you could switch up on me and fuck someone else.” Sniffling, I pressed a kiss to her head. “And it’s not fair of you to ask me to.” “I can’t live without you,” she cried, holding on to me as tightly as I was holding her. “I don’t want to.”

“Maybe, when some time has passed, we can be friends again,” I offered, hating the words as they came out of my mouth. Because I could never be just her friend. This was the girl I wanted beside me every day for the rest of my life. “I’m always going to love you.” “No matter what?” “Yeah, Liz,” I whispered, dying inside. “No matter what.”

Shaking my head, I turned away from the mauling only to be intercepted by the same tiny redhead. “Whoa,” I managed to say about a millisecond before she pulled my face down to hers and crashed her lips to mine. Holy fuck. My immediate reaction was to jerk away, knowing that foreign lips had no business on mine, but then I remembered that my lips didn’t belong to anyone.

And then, for the first time in my life, I kissed a girl who wasn’t named Lizzie Young. The kiss wasn’t mind-blowing. It wasn’t fireworks. It wasn’t Liz. But it was nice.

“Are you warm enough?” I asked, noticing her shiver. “You’re a really nice person,” she mused, looking up at me with those big, green eyes. “Did you know that?” “How’d you figure that one?” “Just a feeling I have,” she replied, still smiling up at me. “I’m really glad I got to talk to you tonight.” “Yeah,” I replied, brows furrowed. “Me, too.”

I was sixteen now, so that meant I would be twenty-five before she finally left my system. Fuck, it wasn’t even close to being fair. Because I didn’t choose this. I didn’t want us to end. I would have spent the rest of my life beside her if she could have just shown me the same commitment.

“You’ll be there when I come home?” Pain. It scorched me. “Of course.” A few minutes later, when they were gone and I was left alone with Catherine, I heard her say, “You lied to her, didn’t you?” Tears filled her eyes. “You won’t be there when she comes home.” Shaking my head, I roughly wiped my tears away. “I’m sorry.”

Today marked Liz’s fortieth day in treatment. It was the longest time we hadn’t seen each or spoke to each other in a decade, and every day, I continued to pine for what my soul assured me was its mate.

Because there was always a fire with Liz. Not this girl, though. Katie didn’t talk through the film, and she kept her hands to herself. She was perfectly content to just sit with me, and that threw me. It honestly felt like she was being sincere when she told me it was company she wanted, and I almost wanted to believe her. But I had some serious trust issues when it came to hearts that belonged to the opposite sex.

He was suffering the consequences of loving a person like me. I knew I would break him back when we were children. It was the reason I tried so hard to push him away when I was manic. Problem was, I never thought it through until it was too late. I was under some false assumption that I could somehow live without the boy that breathed air into my lungs when nothing had ever been more impossible.

Everyone and everything I came into contact with ended up ruined, and I didn’t need to bring any babies into the world and ruin them, too.

Three months, two weeks, and one day. That’s how long it took the doctors to piece me back together. Stabilizing my mood, after spending so many months spiraling, took a herculean effort, but I did it. I complied. I didn’t fight the doctors this time. Instead, I worked with them to crawl my way back to life.

Apparently, the senior girls were participating in a perverted race to get naked with Johnny Kavanagh. “But the girl can’t win by just having, uh, well, you know, with him,” Claire continued to explain. “Apparently, she has to make him fall in love with her.” “Ugh.” I blanched. “That sounds disturbing.” “And she has to be official with him,” she added, scrunching her nose up. “As in boyfriend and girlfriend.”

“Because you’re sitting here,” he replied simply. “Because you’re you again.” A faint smile ghosted his lips. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted, Liz.” Pain flickered in his brown eyes. “I want you to be okay.” He spoke slowly, enunciating every word with care. “I want you to have a good life.” “Yeah.” Just not with you.