Releasing 10 (Boys of Tommen, #6)

by Chloe Walsh

The next time I hurt myself it was an almost accident with a bowl of piping hot porridge. I remembered it like it was yesterday. Sitting on the couch with the steaming hot bowl on my lap. Staring into the bowl, I slowly tipped it sideways to taste the lick of burn on my legs. Watching the thick, burning gruel seep through my tights, searing my flesh like a thousand needles. The pain was instant, and it was glorious.

The third time was no accident, even though it was the most plausible. Intentionally sitting on the fire hearth in my nightdress, with my toes directly in front of the roaring fire, lying in wait, I remained motionless every time a spark landed on my bare legs. It wasn’t until a larger knob of reddened coal landed on the hem of my nightdress that any of my family took notice of what I was doing. Even then, as my nightdress caught on fire and they quickly whipped it ove...

Before then, I used to scratch and tear at my skin or burn myself in the bath when the pressure in my head got too much, but nothing I’d ever tried before compared to th...

The battle began on the inner side of my fleshy thighs, until there wasn’t any room left to fight, and by that stage, the battlefield transferred to my stomach, and then to my breasts, until settling on my wrists.

I was trying to survive and had finally found a way to make it through the days without wanting to die.

A shiver racked through Gibs, and he reached for my hand, squeezing it almost as tightly as Lizzie did when this creep was around. “He’s coming with me,” I warned, taking a protective stance in front of my friend.

If word got back to my dad, I would be in a world of trouble. Worse, I embarrassed Hugh. Those guys were his friends, and I screwed it all up for him. I tried so hard to keep my cool, but when they targeted Gibsie, I lost it. He was so sweet and gentle, and he didn’t deserve to be picked on all because he didn’t want to play their stupid game.

Reaching up, I brushed another rogue tear from her cheek before quickly swiping one from mine. “I won’t let anything hurt you.” Whether it was the right thing to say or not, I said it. “Because you’re my best friend in the whole wide world.” Sniffling, I cupped her cheek again and leaned in close. “And I’m always going to love you, Lizzie Young.” I pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose. “No matter what.”

“Well, I am sure, Liz,” I told her, feeling my heart shattering into a thousand pieces. “I’m sure that you’re good and kind and the most amazing girl I’ve ever met.” Swallowing down my emotions, I smoothed a hand over her hair and leaned in close to whisper, “You are all of the good things in the world and none of the bad. You won’t feel this way forever. Okay? You’re going to feel better again.”

“No, I’m not, Hugh,” she mumbled drowsily, eyelids fluttering shut. “I’m bipolar.”

“Yeah, she spoke to me,” I replied, moving straight for the table and pulling out a chair next to Mam. “She spoke a lot, actually.” Taking a seat, I retrieved both bottles from my pocket and set them down on the table in front of me. “As a matter of fact, she had a lot to say about this.” I took my time glaring at each of them individually before asking, “Why didn’t any of you tell me that my best friend is bipolar?”

“Well, shit, it is Lizzie Young,” I teased, slipping through the pedestrian gate. Letting my schoolbag fall from my shoulder, I fisted the front of her flannel shirt and pulled her in for a hug. “There’s my girl.” “Yep.” Her arms came around my waist and she pressed her body to mine tightly. “Here I am.” And then she did something so incredibly Lizzie-like that I knew I had my friend back. She sniffed me.

When there was a knock on the front door, followed a few moments later by the sound of my sister calling out, “Liz, lover boy’s here for your daily visit,” I bit my lip and smiled. Because if I had a hope of being normal, then I had to fight for it. And I would. For him.

“Thanks for picking me by the way,” I said, shifting closer. “I know you and Claire got to pick one friend each to come on this trip, and I also know that Claire picked Gibs.” I smiled before adding, “Which means you picked me.” “I’ll always pick you, Liz.” Hugh’s arm came around my waist and he pulled me closer to his chest. “You’ll always be first choice.” “For trips?” “For everything.”

The moment our lips touched, a crackling surge of electricity ricocheted through every part of me. Instinctively, my eyelids fluttered shut, and I clung to his body, feeling a blast of adrenaline so powerful that no amount of cliff diving could compete with it. Nope, it was clear to my poor, fickle heart that only one person could pull the strings of my heart like this. Hugh Biggs. His kiss was a featherlight touch. A soft, sweet brush of his lips.

Without saying a word, Hugh reached for my hand and raised it to his lips. Keeping his eyes on me, he turned it over and pressed a kiss to the scars covering my wrist. My breath caught in my throat, and I thought my heart might burst. Shivering violently, I watched him kiss my shame away. Because those scars on my wrists depicted the ugliest parts of my mind. But Hugh kissed each one like they were beautiful. Like I was beautiful. Like I was still me.

“You’re my best friend, Liz, and I never want that to stop,” he said carefully, looking nervous. “But I don’t just love you like a friend anymore.” He flicked his attention to our joined hands and roughly cleared his throat. “I love you like a boyfriend loves his girlfriend.”

“Oh, thank God,” Hugh replied, heaving out a huge, audible breath. “Because I’ve been wanting to ask you to be my girlfriend since 1994, and I don’t think I can hold it in another day.” “I’ve been waiting to say yes since 1994,” I laughed, bursting with excitement. “Are you asking now, so I can finally say yes?”

“Yeah, Liz,” Hugh chuckled with a nod. “I’m asking now.” Shaking his head, he looked me in the eyes and asked, “Will you be my girlfriend?” Finally. “Yes!” I beamed at him. “I will.”

Reaching up, Liz trailed her finger and thumb over my bottom lip before retrieving her chewing gum from my mouth and popping it back into hers. “Tastes like you.” She winked. “My favorite flavor.” Fuck.

“Missing your playmate already?” “Yes, because he’s always at Johnny’s house now,” Claire erupted, curls splaying wildly. “Going on trips with Johnny’s family, and sleepovers, and going to matches, and discos, and…and training.” She rolled her eyes to the heavens and fake gagged. “It makes me sick, Patrick. Like super sick.” “Don’t tell me that you’re jealous of Johnny Kavanagh.” “I’m not jealous of him,” Claire defended, cheeks turning bright pink. “I’m mad at him. He stole my best friend.”

None of the lads in our class could understand why someone like Johnny would want to hang out with Gibsie. I could. Gibsie was the greatest friend a person could have. He was loyal, trustworthy, had the best personality in the whole school, and really fucking cared about the people he loved. Feely and I both knew that friends like Gerard Gibson didn’t come around too often, and I was glad Johnny realized it, too.

I would never say it out loud, because I didn’t want to embarrass the lad, but I was thrilled he had finally found his wings. He would always have me in his corner, no matter what, but seeing him making his way at school, and making friends for himself, made me so fucking proud. Because Johnny Kavanagh was his friend. Yeah, the four of us all hung out at lunch together, and Feely and I considered Johnny our friend, too, but everyone knew where Cap’s loyalties rested. With our Gibs.

For months, I allowed myself to believe that I had turned a corner, that life wouldn’t be so hard for me anymore. I had the greatest boyfriend on planet earth. I had the best friends. I had a healthy mother. I had a father who looked happy to see me now. I was healthy. I was stable. I didn’t want to die anymore.

Everything was back. My mother’s cancer. My sister’s boyfriend. My father’s bad mood. The scary lady’s voice in my head. The monster in my nightmares. The urge to slit my wrists. Everything.

I wasn’t sure what it was, but it wasn’t my period. It looked like a clump of veins. It looked like a monster. Terrified, I reached for another towel from the rack and shoved it between my legs.

“I don’t want to be alive without you.” “Don’t say that, Liz,” I warned, feeling my heart crack clean open in my chest. “Don’t you ever say that again.” Tears streamed down her cheeks. “It’s the truth.” “If anything ever happened to you, it would destroy me,” I admitted, unable to make the tremble in my voice. “You are my whole world, Lizzie Young, so don’t you dare talk about not being alive.”

“Are you completely mental?” That was Caoimhe. “I’m not going anywhere with you, you fucking pedophile!” “Don’t call me that.” “You raped your stepbrother,” Caoimhe screamed at the top of her lungs. “You’re an adult. Gibsie’s a child. You defiled his body. I saw you with my own eyes. That’s called being a pedophile!”

“There’s nothing to talk about because I see you, Mark. I finally see what you are. You’re a monster in disguise!” “…I finally see what you are…” “…You’re a monster in disguise…” “…You’re a monster…” Eyes widening in horror, I gripped my duvet and pulled it over my head. Monster. He was a monster. The monster was real. Mark was the monster.

“It was a horrible, awful, terrible thing that happened, Gibs, but it was an accident.” I tightened my arms around his trembling frame. “I know you feel alone in that house since your mam married him, but I promise you that you’re not. You have us. My family is your family, too.” Clenching my eyes shut, I squeezed the shit out of my friend, desperate to soothe his pain. “And you have me, Gibs. You will always have me.” “Brothers f-forever?” he croaked out. “Yeah, Gibs,” I promised. “And then some.”

“What the fuck did you do to my sister…” “Liz?” “You can’t keep us locked in here forever…” “It’s me, Hugh.” “She’s a child, you monster. She’s a fucking baby and you put a baby inside her…” “Can you hear me, Liz?” “He’s a monster, Lizzie. You need to get out…” “I’m right here, okay?” “I’m so sorry I didn’t protect you both…” “I won’t leave you on your own, Liz, I promise.” “Run, Lizzie, and don’t look back…” “No matter what.” No matter what. No matter what. No matter what. Hugh!

“I love you,” I whispered, resting my hand on her cheek. “I’m always going to be here for you.” Liz didn’t respond with words, but when she placed her trembling hand on my cheek, I knew she was listening. She could hear me. She was still in there.

“I’ve been trying to work up the courage to speak to you all day, but I don’t have the right words,” a familiar voice said, and I turned to see Gibsie sit on the swing next to mine. “So I’m just going to sit here with you, okay?”

“Caoimhe, no!” I cried, throwing my arms around her neck. “Don’t say that.” “I have to,” she choked out, holding me tightly. “If anything happens to me, Liz, and I don’t get out, I want you to get this note to Gibsie. Can you do that for me?” Sniffling, she pulled back to look in my eyes. “I want you to tell him everything you told me tonight, and then I want you both to go to the police…”

Because if I had to remember, then I had to acknowledge, and if I did that, if I told someone, like he did, then I would lose the person I loved most. I would lose Hugh.

“Can I give you a hug?” I heard Gibsie ask, distracting me from my frazzled thoughts. “Would that be okay?” Sniffling, I nodded and watched him climb off his swing and walk over to me. “I’m so sorry, Liz,” he croaked out, wrapping his arms around me. Numb, I rested my cheek on Gibsie’s shoulder. “I’m so, so fucking sorry.”

As I listened to him whisper the word sorry over and over, I reached into my pocket and fisted the note. Please help, I mentally begged, and then, whether it was real or not, I placed my last shred of hope in my friend’s coat pocket. Please save me.

“You know you were holding your sister’s killer, don’t ya?” he mused, taking the seat on the swing next to mine. “It’s his fault this happened.” I didn’t dare look at him, keeping my attention trained on Gibsie’s back as he disappeared from my line of sight. “If Caoimhe were here, she’d be so disappointed in you.” He sighed heavily. “Hugging the person responsible for her death.”

“There’s nothing I can do to help her. Gibsie saw to that when he filled her head with lies.” He set me back down only to turn me around to face him. “Say it, munchkin.” He gripped my throat and pushed me against the barrier. “Tell me you understand what happens when you lie.” He slammed me against the rail again. “Tell me who’s responsible for this? Who told lies and killed your sister?” “I…” Tears trickled down my cheeks. “…he did.” “And who’s he?” Another tear rolled down my cheek. “Gibsie.”

“I’ll be leaving town soon, munchkin,” he told me. “Once I finish my leaving cert next month, I’m leaving Ireland. I’m going to do a bit of traveling before college.” Another sigh escaped him. “I’m going to miss our special visits.” My skin crawled, while my stomach heaved and my mind screamed in protest.

“Hugh?” Liz stopped walking and turned to look at me. “Don’t die, okay?” “I’m not dying, Liz.” “Please.” Tears filled her eyes as she stared into my eyes and begged, “Don’t ever leave me.” “I won’t.” My heart cracked in my chest. “I’m not going anywhere, Liz.” “No matter what?” “Yeah, Liz.” I pressed a kiss to her forehead. “No matter what.”

This was no mistake. Caoimhe was gone. Forever.

The priest told my parents that God had taken my sister’s soul to heaven, but he forgot to mention that Caoimhe had taken my soul with her. I knew she had. There was a piece of me in the ground with her. I could feel it. A hollow, gaping ridge in my chest where she used to be. Where I used to feel.

Seeing him standing at my sister’s grave, consoling my parents had flicked a switch inside of me. “He did it, Daddy.” With tears streaming down my face, I screamed at the top of my lungs and pointed to him. “He killed Caoimhe!”

“I thought you were my friend,” Lizzie cried, looking more broken in this moment than I’d ever seen her as she stared at Gibsie, who was standing with his family. “You’re supposed to be my friend.” “I am your friend.” Gibsie was crying as his mother ushered him back to where Mark and Keith were standing. “I am, Liz, I promise.” “Then tell them what you told my sister,” she begged, still on her hands and knees while my sister held her. “Tell them he killed my sister!”

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Gibsie sobbed, crying as hard as Lizzie now. “I’m sorry, Liz, I wasn’t there.” Lizzie released one more gut-wrenching sob before looking Gibs right in the eyes and saying, “Don’t ever speak to me again.” It was at that exact moment I came to the sudden realization that nothing would ever be the same.

“I’ll always come back to you,” I offered, wanting to fold her into my body and keep her safe. “No matter how often I have to leave, just know that I will always come back for you.”

“The person holding me under screams at me to stop fighting, to just give up and breathe.” A full-body shudder racked through her. “When I do, I die, and that’s when I wake up.” “That’s horrendous.” “I think it’s an omen,” she admitted, sounding broken. “That I was never meant to be here…that I’m supposed to die under water.”

“No, Liz, that’s not true, so don’t you dare believe it.” “It’s kind of hard not to when I really want to not be here, Hugh.” “I need you here, Liz,” I croaked out. “I need you.” “You don’t need me, Hugh,” she replied sadly. “You want me, but you won’t always feel that way.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” I argued back, pulling her body closer to mine. “Aside from the fact that you’re my girlfriend and I adore you, you’ve been my best friend since I was seven. You’re the keeper of all my secrets and the only girl on this planet I would willingly spend my time with. I absolutely do need you, Liz.” “I’m so broken, Hugh.” “You’re not broken,” I replied gently. “You’re grieving.”