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Their chemistry was undeniable, and it caused a familiar swell of sadness to grow inside of me because I knew there would come a day when I would lose her entirely from my life.
Right now, I was managing to somewhat cope with his presence in my life, but my best friend truly loved him, and when they finally made it official, I would lose her.
Hugh had the capacity to physically dominate me at any given moment if he wanted to, like the monster had, and there would be nothing I could do to fight him off, just like there hadn’t been with the monster. This boy could take whatever he wanted from my body with force, and I felt secure in the knowledge he never would. Hugh filled my cup up with the very things I had been drained of in my nightmares. Instead of inflicting pain, fear, and harm like the monster had, my boyfriend instilled power, trust, and respect inside of me.
“No, I mean I really love you,” I said, gripping his broad shoulders. “Heart and soul.” I smiled. “Body and mind.”
“Don’t regret me, Hugh,” I said quietly. “Never,” he vowed, embracing me with tenderness. “You’re the only part of my life I can’t plan for.” He pressed a kiss to my lips. “And the only part I can’t live without.”
“Hu…gh…” “Does Saint Hugh know what a dirty, little whore you are?” the monster snarled, destroying me from the inside out. “Does he know all the ways I’ve had you, munchkin?” “Hugh,” I screamed, louder now, as I fought to push him off me and wake up. “Hugh!” “He’ll never have your firsts, munchkin. All of those belong to me,” the monster taunted, gripping my throat tighter than before. “My seed will always be the first to have grown inside you.” He laughed cruelly then. “Does your precious Hugh know that? Huh? Have you been a bad girl while I’ve been gone and told your hero boyfriend about
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We were so very similar, this deer and me. We were both prey. An owl hooting high in the trees broke our trancelike stare down and the deer quickly skittered away. “Run,” I whispered, watching it disappear from my view. “As fast as you can.”
A little girl that looked just like me. No! Lying on her bed. Stop it! Without any clothes on. It’s not real! Taking her medicine. It was never real! Being a good girl for the monster.
Unraveling, I lost my grip, too weary to hold on. Let go, busy Lizzie bee. Close your eyes and just let go. When I did, when I finally stopped fighting against it and let the voices swallow me up, I felt nothing at all. And it was wonderful.
my attention returned to Liz. A horrible sinking feeling settled in my stomach, while a voice in the back of my mind warned, A storm is coming.
I don’t need another lecture from you.” “No lecture,” he replied calmly. “Just concerned.” “Yeah, well, me too,” I muttered under my breath. Feely winced. “Is she okay?” No. Not even close.
“All right, fine!” Pushing a hand through his dark hair, he looked anywhere but me before saying, “There might be a girl.” “Hah.” I laughed. “And who might this girl be?” “Just someone I met in the school music club.” “Oh really.” I grinned. “Do I know her?” “Don’t think so,” he replied. “She’s new.”
“But, ah, if I happen to know more by the time your birthday rolls around, do you think it would be all right if I, ah…” His words broke off and he shifted in discomfort. “You can bring anyone you want, lad,” I filled in, taking pity on my friend because I knew this wasn’t easy for him. Feely’s communication skills had always been lukewarm at best. From as far back as I could remember, he’d never been one to express himself or demand attention from people. It wasn’t that he was particularly shy or lacking in confidence. He just seemed to withdraw socially.
“No, no, no—don’t do that.” I shook my head and backed away from him. “Don’t hold me when you’re mad at me, Hugh, because I know it’ll be out of pity!” “Well, that’s too fucking bad,” he snapped, closing the space between us and roughly pulling me into his arms. “Because I’m never not going to hold you, Liz.”
I was the one who got swept up in mania before being spat back down to the hellish depths of depression. I was the one who lost track of time and memories. I was the one whose will weakened with every passing day. I was the one without faith or hope for the future. I was the one whose mind chipped away at my soul. And I was the one who had to live like this until the day I died.
“Just look at me, baby.” His thumbs caressed my cheeks tenderly. “Hmm?” He stepped closer. “Come back to me…” “Does he know all the ways I’ve had you, munchkin?” “He’ll never have your firsts, munchkin…” “All of those belong to me…” “I’ll make sure Biggs knows just how big of a whore his little girlfriend is…” “And then I’ll kill him…” A lone tear trickled down my cheek and I leaned into his touch. “I can’t.”
“Besides, I don’t like blonds.” “You don’t?” Feely asked, eyebrows raised in surprised. “What can I say?” Kav replied with another shrug of his shoulders. “I’m more of a brunette man.”
That he is
“I don’t like blonds,” Gibsie mimicked before sticking his middle finger up at him. “What do you call me, asshole?” “Am I fucking you, Gerard?” “I sincerely hope not, Jonathan.” “Well then, there you go.” “Say you like blonds.” “I will not.” “Say it.” “It’s a preference. I’m allowed to have a preference, asshole.” “You most certainly are not,” Gibsie huffed. “Not when it leaves me out.”
“You think this is where she fell in?” “I know it is,” I mused, reveling in the feel of his big, strong body pressed to mine. Desire instantly roared to life inside of me when his arm came around my waist, and my body pulsed with need. “Mm. You make me feel so good.” “How do you know that?” he asked softly, nuzzling the side of my head with his cheek. “Hm?” “Because I was there, silly.” “What do you mean you were there?” “I mean I was there.”
“But I don’t want dinner,” I complained against his lips, desperately trying to deepen our kiss. “I want your special medicine.” “I don’t have special medicine, Liz,”
My poor broken girl :(
“I love you so much, Hugh.” “Liz!” Inhaling the deepest breath I could, I let myself fall backwards and waited for the water to embrace me. It didn’t come. The only thing I felt was a pair of strong arms around my body as he pulled me to safety. As he pulled me back to him. Back to the here and now. Back to life.
He had washed his hands of his mentally ill teenage daughter. My girlfriend’s father actually said those words out loud. Prick.
“I’m having sex tonight, Hugh,” she said, smacking my hand away. “It’s happening.” “Not with me, it isn’t.” “Fine,” she screamed, stalking toward the door. “If you won’t fuck me, I’ll find someone who will.”
“Why can’t you just try!” “Because I’m afraid.” “Of what?” “Of you, Liz. I’m afraid of you!” “So you’re afraid to fuck me because you’re afraid of me?” “No, Liz, I’m afraid to fuck you because I don’t know which version of you I’d be fucking!”
Throwing the door open, I stalked inside and flipped the light on, ready to lay into whatever asshole thought it was clever to fuck in my bed. When the light came on, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. Rooted to the spot, while my brain struggled to comprehend what my eyes were seeing, I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces.
“Cover yourself up!” he roared, pausing mid-punch to point at me. “And don’t fucking talk to me right now, Liz!” Punching resumed, I glanced down at myself, registered my glaringly naked body, and quickly dragged the duvet over myself. Oh my God. What did I do? No, no, no… What the fuck did I do?
“Seriously, Pierce?” Thor demanded, struggling to restrain my boyfriend. “Are you that much of fucking turnout?” “I’m really fucking sorry, Gibs,” the boy replied, toeing on his shoes before grabbing his jacket off the chair. “Yeah, well, sorry doesn’t quite cut it, asshole,” Thor shot back angrily. “Not when you fuck a teammate’s girl in his own bed, you prick!” “I am so fucking sorry, lads, but she was all over me,” the boy protested. “I mean it, Hughie, lad. She told me to have her.”
“Yes, you do.” Sniffling, I reached up and tried to cup his face in my hands. “I’m still me.” “Don’t.” His voice was broken when he shook his head, reaching up to peel my hands from his face. “I can’t have your hands on me.”
“You fucked him, Liz!” he roared, losing his cool. “Pierce O’Neill! My own goddamn teammate! You fucked him. So don’t stand here and tell me you love me.” “I do love you, Hugh!” “You don’t know the meaning of the word.” He seethed, chest heaving. “I loved you, Liz. Me.” He slapped a hand against his chest. “I fucking loved you enough to put you first. Even when it was hard to do the right thing. I fucking did it. Because that’s what someone does when they love someone. They put that person first.”
“Yeah? Well, newsflash, Liz, it’s not all about how you feel,” Hugh shot back, chest heaving. “I was in the relationship, too, and I wasn’t fucking ready for sex, okay? I gave you nine fucking years of my life, and you fuck a randomer in my bed?” “I don’t know how it happened!” I cried out, grabbing my hair. “I just…I wanted to feel good.” “So your need to feel good made it okay to cheat on me?”
“You’re going to come out of this.” Sniffling, Hugh turned his head away and used his shoulder to wipe his check. “And when you do, you’re going to hate yourself as much as I wish I could hate you.” “Hugh!” “This is over, Liz.”
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t fucking stop crying. How my heart remained beating, I would never understand, because she’d splattered it all over my bedroom wall.
“Don’t say that about her,” I groaned, crying almost as much as I was puking. “Fuck, I can’t cope with this.” “You’re going to be okay,” he promised, cleaning my chin again. “This pain won’t last forever.” “It will,” I cried, trembling violently. “I have loved that girl since I was seven years old.” “I know you have.” “No, you don’t know, lad. You have no fucking clue what I’ve been through with that girl. I have loved with every fucking beat of heart. I’ve spent my life completely devoted to her.” A hoarse cry ripped from my chest. “How could she do this to me, Gibs?”
When Thor opened the door, he didn’t speak. Instead, he turned around and disappeared into his front room.
“So because I don’t want to feel dead inside, I’m the bad guy?” “No, Liz, you’re the bad guy because you fucked my friend!” he roared, vibrating with tension. “You’re the bad guy because you broke my fucking heart last night!” “Listen, don’t overreact.” I tried to reason with him, repressing the urge to roll my eyes. “It’s fine. It’s okay. You didn’t want to do it, and I did.” I shrugged. “I fixed our problem, so if you think about it, we’re in a better place than we were this morning.”
“Oh, Hugh, sweetheart.” Mam’s eyes were laced with concern. “What happened?” “Take her, Catherine,” Hugh begged, voice cracking. “Please just take her.” “Where are you going?” I called after him.
Clearly, Gibs had called for reinforcements while I was getting my heart broken, because when I made it back to his place, Feely was waiting with a bag of cans and a hug. Collapsing on the couch beside them, I broke down to the two lads that had been by my side since childhood and tried my damn hardest to drink myself into oblivion.
I’m saying is Kav is interested in a grand total of three things: rugby, the labrador, and Gibs. Anything other than that and he’s not taking notes.”
“You’ll find ya a nice, steady girl,” he continued, nose scrunching up. “One who won’t fuck your teammates.”
And then he'll be the one to cheat on her
Images of her face flashed through my mind like a damn projector playing behind my eyes. I could still smell her on my pillow. I kept finding rogue strands of her hair on random items of clothing. Jesus, it hurt so bad, it made it hard to breathe.
I stopped myself from contacting her parents because talking to them wouldn’t be good for me, and I had to start putting me first now. I had no idea how to put myself back together, nor did I have the slightest inkling of how to work though the betrayal.
“Is she high?” another girl asked when she entered the bathroom. “Who the fuck are you?” “Liz! Omigod, be nice!” “Okay,” I drawled. “Who the fuck are you please?” “Katie,”
“Liz!” Claire chastised. “You can’t say things like that to people.” “Don’t worry about it,” the girl replied before turning to me and arching a disapproving brow. “You certainly have the heroin-chic look down to a tee.”
Wordlessly, Gibs fell into step beside me, blocking my view of her, and for that, I was beyond grateful. He didn’t crack a joke or throw shade. He just walked beside me, shielding me with his presence.
“Listen, all you need to know is I didn’t put a hand on her, Mam. I wouldn’t, okay? I’m waiting for her… I mean, I was happy to wait.” “But?” “But she didn’t want to.” “Didn’t want to what, Hugh?” “Wait for me.” Awareness dawned on my mother’s face, and I could feel the sympathy floating out of her heart and into mine. “Oh, baby.” “Don’t say anything,” I half warned, half begged. “I don’t want you to think badly of her.” Tears filled Mam’s eyes. “I wouldn’t do that, love.” “I don’t want anyone else to think it, either.” “Okay, love.” “Because she’s sick, Mam, and whatever she did, she wouldn’t
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“I know, I know,” he groaned, sounding truly conflicted. “I know you’re sick. I know you don’t mean any of this, but it’s still real for me. Because I’m here, Liz. I’m the collateral fucking damage.” “Hugh…” “I don’t have a bubble to fall into, baby. My feelings are real and I don’t have a button to switch it off like you.”
“Please don’t leave me.” “I didn’t leave you, Liz,” he croaked, lifting his head to look at me. “You left me.”
All the panic and uncertainty, and for what? Because I feared losing what I loved the most in life? He was already long gone. I had nothing left to lose now.
“I can make it up to you.” She leaned in so close to my face that her lips brushed mine when she purred, “If you just say yes.” With infinite self-control and the mental image of Pierce O’Neill piledriving her on my bed still fresh in my memory, I arched my chin up, looked her square in the eyes, and said, “No.”
I somehow allowed Feely to persuade me, only to turn around and not show up himself. According to the text he sent me when I’d already arrived, Feely’s newfound friend from music club needed his help with something important.
