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Breaking down in front of him, my sister covered her face with her hands and screamed, “I wish I was dead!”
I had to make my family love me. If I didn’t, they were going to send me away. “Stop fighting it,” a voice in my head commanded, and I flinched when the watery image of a woman’s face flashed before my eyes. “Just give in. It’ll all be better then.” Oh no. The voice was back. The scary voice. The one that made me wet the bed. The one that made me fight.
“Yep,” she replied. “Because when you go to heaven, all of your pain goes away.” I smiled to myself. That was a nice thought.
“But you’re not a grown-up,” I pointed out. “So how come you get to know?” “Because I learned about it the hard way.” She sounded sad again. “I wish I didn’t have to know any of this crap.”
“There’s something wrong with me, isn’t there?” I knew there was. I heard the voices, too. They whispered in my ear when I was alone in my bed at night.
“You clearly haven’t met Joey,”
“Okay, okay, his name is Mark, and he’s a blow-in to Ballylaggin like me,” she gushed. “Recently moved to Clonamore with his dad—you know Clonamore, don’t you, Mam? It’s the town over from Ballylaggin. A ton of kids from the area go to Tommen.”
“And my heart wants Mark Allen.” She shuffled around then, doing a funny dance in the kitchen. “I have never been more excited to get to school.”
“You’re my big brother.” I rolled my eyes to the heavens, but I knew he was right. We might not have had the same parents, but Gerard Gibson was my brother.
I didn’t think of him as a friend like Patrick Feely, my best friend from school. I thought of Gibsie in the same way I thought about my little sister Claire.
Claire was loud and funny, and she made me feel happy. Shannon was quiet and calm and made me feel safe.
She wasn’t shy like Shannon or strange like me. This girl looked like sunshine. Everyone wanted to sit with Claire Biggs and be her best friend, but she only wanted to sit with us and be our best friend.
he’s pretty, like Casper.” Claire frowned. “The ghost?” “Yep,” the twins said in unison, before both adding, “but the real boy Casper.”
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” “Really?” “Yeah.”
Hugh shook his head and turned to leave, only to swing back around and lean in close. “I think you’re right,” he whispered, breath fanning my cheek.
and Feely was enjoying my embarrassment too much to step in and help.
They didn’t have the strangest girl in Ballylaggin coming to their birthday party. My eyes locked on hers from across the bus and I smiled. Or the prettiest.
“I can keep a secret, Caoimhe.” I always did.
“No clue, lad,” Feely laughed, handing over another jelly snake to an expectant Gibs. “But it’s keeping him quiet.”
Gibsie declared with a dramatic sigh before proceeding to use Feely’s black cape to clean the dribble off his chin. “Dammit, Gibs!” Feely shoved him away before quickly peeling off his cape and throwing it at him. “You are sick.”
“Peter Pan!” My sister’s high-pitched scream of excitement pierced the air moments before she came barreling past both me and Feely. Looking every inch the fairy in her Tinker Bell costume, Claire launched herself at the snake-stuffer himself. “I missed you so much!” When Gibsie straightened up to his full height, he took my sister with him, causing her feet to lift off the ground. “I missed you more, Claire-Bear.”
Our mothers called it harmless puppy love, but I wasn’t so sure about that. I had a niggling feeling they would always look at each other like that.
“Sorry, lad, you’re on your own.” Snickering, Feely bolted for the door. “I have four sisters,” he called over his shoulder. “I suffer enough.” “Hugh!”
“You’re Dr. Sattler,” I finally found my voice and said, eyes raking over her costume with approval. “From Jurassic Park.”
I want Lizzie.” Nobody had ever said that about me before. But Claire did. She said she wanted me.
“That was so badass,” Gibsie panted, climbing out of the bushes, with Patrick and Claire in tow. Jogging over to us, he slung his arm over my shoulder and laughed. “Lads, we have to keep this girl.”
“A star is better than a square.” I scrunched my brows up. “A square?” “Yeah, we’re a square, see?” Gibsie pointed to the four of them before pointing to me. “You make a star.” “Yay,” Claire squealed, clutching her chest. “I’m so happy.”
“All in favor of Liz joining the gang, raise your hands.” Everyone raised their hands. I beamed with happiness. “Then it’s official,” Hugh said, turning to smile at me. “You’re one of us now.”
“We call that bulling a cow,” Feely continued between mouthfuls of cereal. “The bull would have to mount the cow to put her in calve, or she would need to be artificially inseminated.” “What’s that?” Lizzie asked, looking just as wide-eyed now as Gibs and Claire. “Please don’t, Feely,” I begged, having heard this exact speech from his father when I went on a playdate to his house last spring and ended up in the calving shed. “The farmer would collect the sperm from the bull, load it into the insemination gun, and shoot it into the cow’s vu—” “Okay, Feely!” I yelled, loud enough to block his
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He was always checking on me. It used to be okay, but I wasn’t so sure anymore. I didn’t think I wanted him to keep checking on me. I didn’t want him to fix me again. Not ever again.
I clenched my eyes shut and thought happy thoughts. I thought of Hugh.
My poor baby, omg
“Do you have a crush on me, too?” “Jesus.” Blushing, he dipped under the water, reappearing a few seconds later and a lot farther away. “Wait!” I called after him. “You didn’t answer me.” “Yes,” he called over his shoulder as he swam back to our friends. “My answer is yes!” I sprang to my feet and clutched my chest, unable to stop the grin on my face from spreading. Because he had a crush on me, too. Hugh Biggs liked me back.
“What would you have done if I didn’t swim back for you?” “I knew you would,” I laughed, wrapping my arms around his neck as he swam us over to the shallow part. “Oh yeah?” he teased, releasing me when I could stand. “How?” “Because I trust you,” I told him. “You make me feel safe.” That seemed to confuse him because his brows furrowed together. “You’ll always be safe with me.”
When I reached the lounge and locked eyes on the familiar, dark-haired teenage boy sitting on my couch, with my sister on his lap, a wave of unease washed over me. I couldn’t explain why I felt so uncomfortable or why the hairs on the back of my neck shot up whenever I laid eyes on him. But it always happened. I felt like Peter Parker with Spidey senses, and mine told me that Mark Allen was not good. Not good at all.
“Claire!” I barked, stalking into the lounge. “No.” Not stopping until I was right in front of them, I grabbed my sister’s hand and yanked her off his lap. “You don’t sit on strangers’ laps.” “It’s okay, though, because he’s going to be Gerard’s brother soon,” my sister explained, looking up at me with big, brown eyes. “So he’s not a stranger.” “I don’t care.” Keeping ahold of her hand, I walked my sister to the other end of the couch and lifted her onto it before turning back around. “Don’t touch my sister again,” I warned, standing in front of her. “Not ever again.”
“Don’t sit on his lap,” I whispered back. “How come?” I don’t know. “Just don’t, okay?” “Okay.” “I mean it.” I held my pinky finger up to her. “Promise me.” “I promise,” she replied hooking her finger around mine before proceeding to curl up in a ball on my lap. Normally, I would kill my sister for hugging me, but not tonight. Instead, I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and kept her close.
Reaching over, I placed my hand on Gibsie’s and whispered, “Keith’s a fucker.” That made him smile, so I racked my brain for more curse words. “Keith’s a stupid, son-of-a-bitch, fucker pup.” Now, he full belly laughed. “He is a fucker pup.” I grinned. “Yep.”
“He’s here,” I squealed at the same time Gibs cheered, “She’s here!” Butting Gibsie out of the way with my hip, I grabbed the door handle a second before him and grinned in victory.
“I don’t like baths anymore.” “Why not?” “They’re stingy.” He frowned. “Stingy?” I nodded. “Yep.” Confusion filled his eyes. “I don’t get stung.”
MY SHAYLAAAAA
“Do you think you might ask me to marry you?” Hugh stared at me for a long time before saying, “If I asked you, would you say yes?” “Yes.” I nodded eagerly. “I would definitely say yes.” He smiled. “That’s good to know.”
“Happy New Year.” Hugh stared down at the face of his watch for a long moment before turning his attention back to me. And then, with red cheeks, he leaned in close and kissed my cheek. “Happy New Year, Liz.”
I knew he was crying, I could see his shoulders jerking, but he never made a sound. It was the kind of quiet crying I saw in silent movies my grandparents used to watch. Somehow, that made it worse than if he had been screaming like a bull.
“You can sleep in my bed…” I knew what that meant. But it was okay. Because I loved Hugh Biggs. My heart was sure I did. And Hugh would never hurt me like he did. Nodding, I took the hand he offered me and climbed out of the tub. Keeping a firm hold of his hand, I soaked in the warmth as he led me into his room. It would be okay. Because he was kind. He wouldn’t make me cry. He wouldn’t make me bleed.
STOPPPPP
Climbing onto the mattress, I rolled onto my back and settled into the familiar position, arms at my sides and legs open, waiting for this boy to do what Mark told me all boys did. Except he didn’t. Instead of taking off my clothes, Hugh covered me with a blanket and stepped away. Confused, I turned my head to watch him sit cross-legged in front of a stack of schoolbooks on his bedroom floor.
She disappeared when he found me in the tub. She was afraid of Hugh. Because he was good. Because he was brave. A brave knight.
Mark didn’t fix me this time. Hugh did. And he didn’t have to hurt me to do it…
Meanwhile, Mark stood to the side, with his arms folded across his chest. Like a statue. Like a devil. Doing nothing.
“Gerard’s going to die if we don’t get him help,” Keith argued back. “We have to go, Sadhbh, love.” “He’s already dead.” “Shut up, Mark.”
“I love you, Claire,” I heard myself cry, holding her so tight, I was sure I was hurting her skinny, little body, but I didn’t care. She was alive and I had to feel that in this moment. After holding Gibsie’s lifeless body, I had to touch something alive. “I love you. I love you. I love you!” “I loves you, too,” Claire sobbed, clinging to me just as tightly, smothering my face with her wild curls. “Don’t ever go away, Hughie.”
