After We Fell (After, #3)

by Anna Todd

Before I know it, Tessa’s eyes find Lillian, and they widen and lower. She’s jealous. Good. I was hoping she’d be.

I hate you.

“I’m Lillian; it’s nice to meet you,” she introduces herself with a friendly smile. Bitch.

Tessa please

“He looks pretty lost without you,” Robert tries to reassure me. I spy Landon looking around the room, with nobody to talk to. “Oh! That’s not my boyfriend. Mine is the one across the table—the one with the tattoos.” I watch as Robert looks at Hardin and Lillian and confusion sweeps over his soft features. Swirls of black ink peek out from the top of Hardin’s collared dress shirt. I love the way white looks on him; I love being able to see the hint of ink under the light-colored fabric. “Um, does he know he’s your boyfriend?” Robert asks, raising his eyebrow.

Ten points to Robert the Waiter

“So, if that’s your boyfriend, who’s the girl with him?” “Her name is Lillian.” I can hear the venom in my own voice. “I don’t know her, neither does he… well, he didn’t, but apparently now he does.” Robert’s eyes meet mine. “So he brought her here to make you jealous?”

Yes.

“It’s fine, really. I should be used to it. I’ve been playing these games with him for six months now.” I cringe at the truth, cursing myself for not learning my lesson after one month, or two, or three—yet here I am outside with a stranger watching as Hardin shamelessly flirts with another girl.

Yes, here you are

“What do you want?” I ask Hardin. When he turns to me, his mouth is pressed in a hard line. “Get inside,” he demands, but I shake my head. “Tessa, don’t play these games with me. Let’s go.” He reaches for my arm, but I yank it away and stand my ground. “I said no. You go back inside—I’m sure your friend misses you,” I hiss.

Ohmygod just kill him already

“So what, you’re going to fuck the waiter now?” Hardin grimaces, and I step back even farther, willing myself not to break under his stare. “Would you just stop, already? We both know how this will go. You’ll keep insulting me. I’ll walk away. You’ll come after me and tell me you won’t be rude anymore. We’ll go back to the cabin and sleep together.” I roll my eyes, and he looks absolutely lost. In his usual Hardin way, he collects himself rapidly. Throwing his head back in laughter, he simply says, “Wrong,” and steps back toward the door. “I won’t be doing that. It seems you’ve forgotten how it really goes: you throw a fit over something I say, you walk away, and I only come after you so I can fuck you. And you…” he adds with a sinister glare, “you always let me.”

EXCUSE ME

“I won’t give up Seattle for you, so you turn on me?” My eyes are burning, but I will not cry. “You show up with her”—I gesture toward Lillian at the table—“and say all these hateful things to me? I thought we were past this. What happened to you not being able to live without me? What happened to you trying your best to treat me the way you should?” He looks away from me, and for a moment, a barely recognizable moment, I see a deeper emotion behind his hateful glare. “There is a big difference between not being able to live without someone and loving them,” he says. And like that, he walks away, whatever was left of my respect for him following in his wake.

How the fuck do we come back from this? I know we have to, there's still another book

I wanted to hurt her, to make her feel like shit, the way that I felt when I looked up from the table to see her laughing. She was fucking laughing when she should have been sitting across from me vying for my attention.

Jesus

Lillian’s statement from this morning popped in, and it warmed my anger, so I said it before I could stop myself. There is a big difference between not being able to live without someone and loving them. I almost want to take them back… almost. She deserves them, she really does.

No she doesn't???????

“I’ll go, too,” Lillian says, standing. “No,” I snap, but she ignores me and follows me as I make my way through the restaurant and out the front door. “What the heck happened?” she asks when we get outside. Without breaking my stride, I shout over my shoulder, “She was out there with that fucking guy, that’s what happened.” “Then what? What did she say when you told her that I’m not a threat?” She stumbles slightly in her high heels, but I don’t stop to help her as I try to decide where the hell I’m actually going. I knew I should have fucking driven my own car here, but no, Tessa had to get her way. Big surprise there. “I didn’t tell her.” “Why not? Do you know what she’s probably thinking right now?” “I don’t give a shit what she thinks. I hope she’s thinking that I’m going to fuck you.” She stops walking. “Why? If you love her, why would you want her to think that?” Oh, lovely, now Lillian is turning on me, too. I turn to face her. “Because she needs to learn that—” She holds up one hand. “Stop. Just stop there, because she doesn’t need to ‘learn’ anything. It seems to me that you’re the one who needs to be learning something—what did you say to the poor girl?”

That's right. YOU kill him.

“I said what you said to me this morning about there being a difference between not being able to live without someone and loving them,” I tell her. She shakes her head in confusion. “You said that to her, as in you can’t live without her but don’t love her?”

God

“You are so clueless,” she mocks me. “When I said that to you this morning, I wasn’t referring to you, I was talking about her. I meant that just because you think she can’t live without you doesn’t mean that she’s in love with you.” “What?” “You assume that you have her so wrapped around your finger that she won’t leave you because she can’t live without you, when in reality it seems like you have her trapped and that’s why she won’t leave you: not because she loves you, but because you’ve made her feel that she can’t be without you.” “No… she loves me.” I know she does, and that’s why she’ll be following me out here any moment now. Lillian throws her arms wide. “Does she? Why would she, when you do things to hurt her on purpose?”

TRULY

“Your girlfriend is probably fucking someone else right now while you’re here trying to play couples therapist between Tessa and me,” I growl. Lillian’s eyes widen, and she takes a step back from me… the way Tessa did only minutes ago. Her blue eyes begin to water, shining in the darkness. She shakes her head and starts to walk back toward the restaurant parking lot. “Where are you going?” I call to her through the wind. “Back inside. Tessa may be stupid enough to put up with your crap, but I’m not.”

Finally. Someone.

If he loved me the way he should, he wouldn’t purposely hurt me.

Correct.

Everything has changed since then, since those days when I’d tease and taunt Tessa just to get a rise out of her. Her face when I left her on the balcony of the restaurant… maybe it hasn’t changed at all. I haven’t changed.

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING

I’m torturing the girl I love. That’s exactly what I’m doing, and I can’t seem to stop. This isn’t all my fault, though—it’s her fault, too. She keeps pushing me to go to Seattle, and I’ve made it clear that I’m not giving in on that. Instead of battling me, she should just pack her shit and come to England with me.

WHY

“Where’s Tessa?” Panic rises in my chest. “She’s back at the restaurant.” “What?” What the fuck. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go. “She’s with him, isn’t she?” I ask the two women, even though I already know the answer. She’s with the blond asshole with the sheriff for a father. “Yeah, she is,” Karen says, and if I wasn’t stuck out in the middle of nowhere with her, I’d cuss her out for the small smile she’s trying to hide.

Heh

I reach across the table and lower his hands from his face; he flinches slightly, and when he looks up at me his blue eyes are so clear. “It’s like I can tell what you’re thinking,” I say aloud, without a thought. “Maybe you can,” he whispers in response, and his tongue darts out to wet his lips. I know he wants to kiss me; I can read it on his face. I can see it in his honest eyes. Hardin’s eyes are so guarded all the time I have to struggle to be able to read him, and even then I’ve never been able to read him the way I want to, the way I need to. I lean closer to Robert, the small table still between us as he leans forward, too.

He seems nice. And an aspiring doctor!

“My personality isn’t too bad.” I shrug. “It will do,” he teases with a smile. “You’re awfully nice.” “Why wouldn’t I be?” “I don’t know.” I start poking at my cup. “Sorry, I know I sound like an idiot.” He looks puzzled for a moment, then says, “You don’t sound like an idiot. And you don’t have to keep apologizing.”

That'll be all the abuse she's been experiencing

“You keep apologizing for everything you say. You’ve said ‘sorry’ at least ten times in the last hour. You haven’t done anything wrong, so you don’t have anything to apologize for.” I’m embarrassed by his words, but his eyes are so kind and his voice doesn’t hold even a sliver of annoyance or judgment. “I’m sorry…” I say again reflexively. “See! I don’t know why I do that.” I smooth a loose lock of hair behind my ear. “I can guess, but I won’t. Just know that you shouldn’t have to,” he states simply.

Aw

That headache gone, I continue on with my original plan and march toward the restaurant. I’ll drag Tessa out of there—not literally, of course, but she will come with me.

Maybe the waiter can kill you

What will I say to her? He seems like the kind of asshole who’ll try to stop me from making her leave. I won’t have to hit him; if I yell enough, she’ll come with me to avoid a fight. I hope. She hasn’t done what I predicted so far tonight.

??????

I need her to love me and be there for me. I’ve never let anyone get as close to me as she is; she’s the only person that I know will always love me unconditionally. Even my mum gets sick of my shit sometimes, but Tessa always forgives me, and no matter what I do she’s always there for me when I need her.

You need so much therapy

She looks back without stopping. “Where’re you going?” “To get Tessa; she’s hanging out with… never mind.” I’m sick of telling people my fucking business. Now Riley does stop. “You’re an asshole for not telling her that Lil is gay.”

Correct

Do you even know what you’re going to say to her, or are you planning to go all caveman style?” “No.” I sit back down. I really haven’t thought about what it is I’m going to say. I don’t need to say anything except Let’s fucking go.

Omg

Still looking at my girl, I say, “Well, Tess is mine, so I don’t care what she thinks about being claimed.” “Spoken like a true asshole,” Riley says and looks over at Tessa.

Truly

“I don’t treat her bad.” Not all the time, at least.

Literally every day

“No, I don’t. Let’s go home.” I’m barely controlling my temper. If this were any other night, Robert’s face would be imprinted on the table by now. “That cabin isn’t home; we’re hours from home.” She finishes off the drink she stole from me. Then she gives me a look that somehow manages to mix loathing, drunk-flippancy, and indifference. “Actually, as of Monday, I don’t have a home anyway, thanks to you.”

Ha

I step over to the bar area. “Can I just get two feet of space? I don’t even want to be around you right now. You said some pretty hateful things to me,” I remind him. “You know I didn’t mean them,” he answers, defending himself, attempting to make eye contact with me. I’m not falling for it. “That doesn’t mean you can say them.”

For real

“Are you mad at me?” “I always am,” he replies. I laugh a little. “Isn’t that the truth.”

Yes so what are we still doing here

Next to me, Hardin laughs, and I lean into his shoulder and put my hand on his thigh. His eyes immediately follow my hand, and I quickly pull it away. I shouldn’t be acting like nothing happened earlier—I know I shouldn’t, but it’s easier said than done. Especially when I can barely think straight and Hardin looks so good in his white button-down shirt. I’ll deal with our problems tomorrow.

I hate you

The second thought is that I shouldn’t be so engrossed in it and should be irritated at her constant need to defy me.

She isn't your child

He laughs and shrugs as if he did nothing wrong, and I can’t stop the smile on my face. He’s a jerk, but he’s my jerk.

How has this happened

“Why?” I ask nosily. “Doesn’t matter,” Hardin says, dismissing me and leaving Riley lost in thought.

Such a good boyfriend

“I would do anything for you, Tessa. You shouldn’t be surprised that I’d carry you up a damn driveway.”

You wouldn't though

I don’t speak, I just laugh. Hard. Uncontrollable laughter racks my body. I cover my mouth to stop it, but it doesn’t help one bit. “Why are you laughing?” His face is stone, serious and intimidating. “I don’t know… that was just funny,” I say. We reach the porch, and he shifts me slightly so he can turn the knob on the door. “Me telling you that I’d do anything for you is funny?” “You’ll do anything for me—except go to Seattle, marry me, or have children with me?” Even in my drunkenness, the irony is not lost on me.

Yesssssss

“Your skin is red, like the dress left these marks on you.” He touches a spot under my shoulder blade and pushes the fabric down my back until it hits the floor. “It was really uncomfortable,” I whine. “I can see that.” He circles me with hungry eyes. “Nothing is supposed to be marking you, except me.”

Gross

My stomach clenches when his hands move to my backside, squeezing and kneading slowly.

Why would anyone do this. She isn't bread.

“Your little show on the bar was enough to send me to the fucking madhouse, not to mention the fact that you were parading around town with that fucking waiter; you disrespected me in front of everyone by staying with him.”

Disrespect?? DISRESPECT???????

I grab his hands to stop them from groping me further. His eyes flash, and he drops his hands to his sides. “You don’t want me?” “Of course I do, I always do. I just… I’m supposed to be mad.” “Be mad tomorrow,” he says with that evil grin of his. “I always do that, I need to—” “Shh…” He covers my mouth with his lips and kisses me, hard.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh

“Touch me,” he begs, reaching for my hands. I don’t have to be told twice; I want to touch him, and he needs the reassurance.

Reassuance for fucking WHAT

“I know you’ll leave me soon,” he says,

We can fucking hope

“Condom,” I pant, and his bloodshot eyes meet mine. “What if we don’t use one? What if I come inside of you, you wouldn’t be…”

Absolutely not

I lie back, staring at the ceiling, trying to sift through my drunken thoughts. Do I really need Seattle? Is Seattle important enough to me to lose Hardin?

YES

“Don’t play stupid with me—you got his fucking number?” He gapes, holding the paper above his head so I have no chance of taking it back.

I mean barely

“Go on, call him. Let him fuck you—because I sure as hell don’t want to.”

Cool, we're back here. That was fast.

“If you’re going to yell at me, save your breath. I’m done fighting with you every single day,” I say with a sigh. He points at me angrily. “You do this! You’re the one that constantly enrages me; it’s your fault that I’m like this, and you know it!” “No! No, it’s not.” I struggle to keep my voice down. “You can’t blame everything on me. We both make mistakes.” “No, you make mistakes. A shit ton of them, and I’m sick of it.” He tugs at his hair. “You think I want to be this way? Fuck no, I don’t. You do this to me!”

Okay so we're just going with the gaslighting. Cool.

I laugh. Which stops him. “Why are you laughing?” He stares at me for a beat. “Answer me.” I shake my head. “You’re fucked up. I mean colossally fucked up.” “And you’re a selfish bitch. What else is new?” he snaps, and my laughter comes to an abrupt halt.

-.-

“No, come here.” He reaches for me and I desperately want to slap him, but I know he’ll stop me. “No, get off of me!” I shake my arm from his grip. “I’m done. I’m so done with this back-and-forth. I’m tired and exhausted, and I don’t want to do it anymore. You don’t love me—you want to possess me, and I won’t let you.” I look straight into his brilliant green eyes. Straight through them, and say, “You’re broken, Hardin, and I can’t fix you.”

Finally. My joy will be short lived, but I'll remember it with fondness.