Sin and Redemption

by Cora Reilly

And as my eyes took him in, like they had taken him in when he’d picked me up that day, I realized I was still attracted to him. He looked nothing like the guys I’d admired in the past, but my body still warmed when I saw his strong body and stunning eyes. If I could focus on that, on the man before me in the next few days and hopefully beyond that too, then maybe we could build a connection that wasn’t constantly tainted by the past.

“I think I’m attracted to you,” I said. In the past, I would have never uttered something rash like this. Maybe it was Isa’s influence on me. Maximus’s eyebrows climbed his forehead as he gave me an amused look. “You think?” I laughed. “It’s complicated.” “I know,” he murmured. “You know what’s not complicated?” His gaze burned into me in a way it had never done before. “No,” I whispered. “There’s nothing complicated about ho...

She had a goal in mind, becoming a mother. She wanted to get this over with, and I wanted to salvage this marriage somehow, even if it was doomed from the start.

“You have to tell me if you don’t want something and also if you enjoy my touch.” “Okay.” Then silence. I took a deep breath. I had a plan, and it had to work.

“Maximus—” I paused, my fingers resting on the silky skin of her upper arm. “I’m scared.” “I told you I want to make this good for you. I know I hurt you the last times, but today, I’ll do everything I can to make sure it won’t hurt, and if it does, that it’ll be good soon after.”

“I’m not scared of the pain. I never really was,” she whispered. “I’m scared because I don’t know what to expect. What if I can’t feel good because of what happened? What if the memories hold me back?”

“Did you enjoy our kiss yesterday?” “Yes.” “Then trust your body...

I was nervous. But I’d be damned if I admitted that to Sara. She had enough baggage to carry. She d...

“I wish I could take the memories from you. But I can’t. I can only replace them with better memories.” I swallowed. “I’m good at this. Don...

That such a simple kiss, under these circumstances no less, gave me these kinds of sensations and hope for our future.

I trailed my tongue over her lip before I deepened our kiss. For the first time, I could really taste my wife. And fuck, she was perfect.

It didn’t matter that she still wanted the lights out. This wasn’t about me. This was about her. One day, she’d be able to look into my eyes when we had sex and not see our past.

Maximus stretched out beside me. “Maybe it would be good to have you ride me.” “The chances of conception are higher in a lying position.” It wasn’t the only reason I preferred the missionary position. Sitting on top of Maximus felt too exposing, and I wasn’t experienced enough to feel that daring.

“The chances of conception are higher in a lying position.” It wasn’t the only reason I preferred the missionary position. Sitting on top of Maximus felt too exposing, and I wasn’t experienced enough to feel that daring. His silence told me it wasn’t the answer he’d wanted. But making a baby was what this was about, even if the unexpected bonus of pleasure had been added to the equation. “And we definitely don’t want to have to do it again, right?”

He pressed a kiss against my lips, catching me off guard again, but this time in a far more pleasant way. I’d always imagined kissing as something wonderful and connecting, and was sad I never got to experience it in that way.

He pushed up on his arms as if he wanted to get up. I squeezed his ass. “Don’t.” He frowned down at me. “Our chances are higher if you stay in me for a few more minutes.” My cheeks heated, not just because of the words I’d said but also because it wasn’t the only reason I didn’t want him to pull out yet. My body clung to him, and I simply didn’t want to lose the feeling of our intimate connection. I wanted to enjoy it a little longer. Who knew if I’d ever feel it again?

I licked my lip, wondering if I should ask him to stay. I realized I would have liked that. His proximity that had been strange to me before now felt almost familiar. Our movie evenings and now our first enjoyable sex made me want to be even closer to him.

I had rarely seen them since our wedding, and I felt guilty for it. They probably thought I didn’t like them, which wasn’t true. They had been kind to me, and I wanted to get to know them better.

Today was still the highest chance of conception. At the thought of repeating last night, my body warmed, and my core clenched. I was looking forward to Maximus’s touch. For the first time, the reason I wanted Maximus’s closeness wasn’t centered around having a baby. My body was lusting for his touch, for his lips and tongue.

I never thought enjoying Maximus’s touch would help me with the past, but it did. I hadn’t even been haunted by nightmares.

I knocked and stepped in, then froze when I spotted Maximus. He only had a towel wrapped around his hips and was naked otherwise. He was toweling his wet hair. I allowed myself to admire his body. He worked out almost every day, and it showed in every inch of his body, from his bulging biceps, over his broad chest to his six-pack and round ass. Even his tattoos hardly bothered me. They were artfully done, especially the forest scene on his right pec and shoulder: intricate firs and broad-leafed trees, a small meadow and a creek. It reminded me of the forest at his parents’ house.

“I’m still fertile…so…” I trailed off when Maximus’s expression hardened. Talking about fertility always pushed his buttons. I wasn’t sure why it triggered him so much. After all, I’d made it clear from the start that I wanted sex to become pregnant—even if I had enjoyed last night tremendously.

He lowered his arms to his sides and waited for me to say something. I wanted him to enjoy it too. I didn’t want him to do it only for me. That was a new development I hadn’t expected.

Apart from the inked “Nemesis” on his hand, the Famiglia tattoos were the only words on his body: Born in Blood, Sworn in Blood, I enter alive and I’ll leave dead.

They were written in cursive on his left pec and the head of a pitbull adorned his left bicep. The forest scene that sleeved his right arm, shoulder and pec was my favorite. Though they were all beautiful tattoos and made Maximus look magnificent. I couldn’t imagine him without them.

I lowered my hips after a while, hoping this fertile window would give me what I wanted. I slanted Maximus a look. His expression was unreadable, but I was fairly sure it wasn’t happy.

“You sure? I thought you made plans with your family?” I’d never noticed it before, but when he said “your family,” his tone definitely changed. I knew his relationship with my family was as distant as mine with his. Again, it was my fault. Well, and Flavio wasn’t fond of Maximus because of what had happened and I’d never been brave enough to talk to him about it.

Maximus nodded. He regarded me as if he was trying to understand me. I gave him a small smile. Something changed last night, and I really wanted to make an effort with Maximus. If I got pregnant, I wanted our child to have parents who weren’t mere strangers. I didn’t want to get my hopes up that we might be able to create a marriage like my parents had.

“Ready?” I wasn’t sure why I did it, but I reached for his chin, brushing over the growing beard. “This doesn’t qualify as a three-day stubble anymore. Are you growing a beard?”

Watching Cara treat Maximus with motherly tenderness reminded me of what Isa had said: that Maximus might also be dealing with trauma. I knew I was asking a lot from him without giving him much in return, and I promised myself to pay more attention to his little signs.

Now that I’d decided to become a more active part of the Trevisan family, I had to get used to their dogs. “You can let them out of their prison,” I said with an embarrassed laugh. Cara seemed surprised by the suggestion. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.” “If I don’t face my fears, they won’t go away.”

“I really can’t imagine you being afraid of dogs,” I said. I knew the story of how Growl had received Cara as a sort of gift by the crazy former Capo of the Camorra. I wasn’t sure how they had made it work. It seemed like a difficult thing to overcome.

“Oh, and the potter’s wheels and the oven arrived,” Cara said. My eyes widened. I had completely forgotten that Maximus wanted to get them. “Potter’s wheels?”

“I ordered two,” Maximus said with a shrug. “One for our apartment and one for here, in case you ever feel like doing pottery when we’re visiting.” I stood on my tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Thank you.” Cara quickly retreated and pretended to be busy with something in the pantry. Maximus put an arm around my back and kissed my lips as if it was the most natural thing in our marriage, and surprisingly it didn’t feel strange at all. “You’re welcome.”

Something wet touched my hand. I jumped in surprise. Bacon stood beside me and had touched his nose to my palm. I swallowed, then held out my hand to him. He sniffed then licked over it. I giggled. I’d have to remember to wash my hand later. But it was kind of a sweet gesture of the dog, almost as if he was trying to become my friend. I lightly patted his back how Maximus had shown me and Bacon sat down beside me. Well, he planted his butt right on top of my boot and pressed his side against my leg.

“Just wait until he prefers her and doesn’t let you get into bed with her,” Primo said with a laugh. A look passed between Maximus and I. We still didn’t share a bed, but maybe it was time to change that.

I hadn’t made a move toward Sara and she hadn’t approached me either. Maybe for her the sex had really only been about the baby, even if she’d enjoyed it. She hadn’t faked enjoying it. She’d been too wet for that.

“I’m not pregnant. I got my period today.” “Maybe next time,”

“I’m supposed to meet with Greta for lunch.” Greta and Sara had started doing things together, and they seemed to get along quite well. “I could ask Amo to join us, then we can do a double date.” Sara blinked at me. “That would be our first public date.”

Sara and I quickly packed our bags before we headed out. In the car, I turned up the music to my favorite Metallica album Kill ’Em All. The first chords of “Hit the Lights” came on, Sara slanted me a look. “What is it?” she asked. My eyebrows climbed my forehead. “Metallica.”

“If you don’t like it, we can switch to something you enjoy,” I said with a shrug. “No, I think it’s nice to get to know this part of you.” “What’s your favorite music?” Sara flushed. “You’ll laugh.” “I won’t.” “Taylor Swift. I love her music.”

Sara let out a small laugh. The sound was beautiful and when her face lit up like that, it made her look even more kissable. She was kissable all over. I wanted to do it more often. Fuck, I just wanted to lean over and kiss her senseless right now. But my moment of hesitation allowed by my brain to infuse all kinds of worries in my head that stopped me.

“We’re picking one now,” I said firmly. I’d given Sara plenty of time but I had a feeling she wouldn’t do the next step if I didn’t push her. It had been the same with our sex life. I wanted things to progress. I wanted my wife by my side at night. End of story.

“I want to share a bed. I’m your husband and I’m done living like roommates. I don’t expect you to have sex with me but I want us to share a bed.” I wished he hadn’t added the last part because I would have really like to have sex again, even if I wasn’t fertile.

“If you’re okay with sharing a bed, why did you never suggest it before?” I turned around fully. “I don’t know. I felt awkward. I wasn’t sure if that’s what you wanted. Why didn’t you?” “Sara, you’re my wife. And I want to act like your husband, not just be him on paper. And the reason I just don’t decide these things is our past. Of course I could just tell you to share a bed with me, but I need to know you’re okay with it.”

“I need you to tell me if you’re okay with other things too. I don’t want to push you.” “I know, and I’ll try to be more proactive. I like that you kissed me that day at your parents. I wouldn’t mind if you do it more often.”

“All right,” he said and stepped up to me. He cupped my cheeks, tilted my head up, lowered his head slowly, and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. I smiled, amazed at how good this small gesture felt. He cleared his throat, his amber eyes locked on mine, and slowly pulled back. Then he stopped before the distance between us grew too much, and with a small chuckle, he bent down and kissed me again. “I needed another one. Now I’ll get our luggage.”

“Cheers,” Maximus said, raising his mug. We all did the same, then took a sip. The warmth and tartness of the mulled wine helped with the bout of jealousy I felt at the easygoing affection those two shared.

“I won’t risk anything. She won’t be alone in the house. Or would you leave Greta without protection ever again?” Darkness passed Amo’s face. He nodded, and a look of understanding passed between him and Maximus. They had both failed to protect someone in their eyes. Our situations were different, but I supposed their guilt was the same.

Our relationship had been at an absolute standstill for a long time, but suddenly, it was progressing quickly, and sometimes it was difficult for my brain to catch up.