Sin and Redemption

by Cora Reilly

“I’m an Enforcer, Mom. Do you think a bit of flesh and blood will bring me to my knees?” My heart clenched at my words, but I kept glaring at my mother, willing my words to become true. Mom shook her head with a sad smile. “I birthed and raised you. I held you when you cried when you were little. Don’t think I don’t see when you’re breaking inside. If this was how you just described it, you wouldn’t have buried it the way you did. Lie to yourself if it helps you, but I can see the truth!”

“Things will get better.” “You believe in Karma, Mom. Maybe this is Karma’s way of paying me back. Nobody would argue that I deserve it.” Mom gave me a stern look. It was a look that made even Dad pause. “You deserve happiness. End of story.”

Maximus opened the door for me and helped me climb out. He always did, but usually immediately released me once I was safely on the ground. This time, he held my hand and squeezed. “Are you afraid of dogs?”

“Maximus’s dog Bacon and our four dogs are locked in there because we weren’t sure if you were okay with dogs.” I flushed. “Maximus has a dog?” Cara pursed her lips. “Yes. He’s had him for three years.” “I didn’t know. And he left him here because of me?” Cara touched my shoulder. “He left him here because Bacon is used to living in a house with a big yard. He’s not a city dog.” “I made Maximus move to the city.” Cara shook her head with a kind smile. “He made the choice because he wants to make it work between you.”

I wondered if I should bridge the subject of his dog. He’d never mentioned him to me. I felt bad that he’d left him behind to move to the city for me.

As we came close enough for the flames to illuminate the ground in front of the tree, my breath halted. A beautiful wood-carved cross sat atop the small grave. “Did you…?” Maximus nodded. “When I was younger, I spent many evenings carving. It’s been a while but I did the best I could.” “Thank you,” I said. “Thank you for not ridiculing my wish for a grave.” Maximus frowned down at me. “Every loss needs an outlet. I hope it helps you cope with our loss.”

Our loss. I had rarely considered it as such. That Maximus felt that way made me feel better. I didn’t ask what he did to cope. We had already been talking more than I’d intended. Silence fell over us, and I allowed myself to feel the full intensity of my sadness, something I’d fought every day in the past three weeks.

but today was our first wedding anniversary. One entire year as husband and wife, at least on paper, but we were roommates, not more. I doubted we even qualified as friends.

When he wrote back that she was at Barnard, I was stunned. For some reason, I had thought she would wait for my return, eager to hear about the revenge I’d sought on her behalf. That she had gone to college as if it were a day like any other didn’t sit right with me.

Gritting my teeth, I went downstairs, glad to find Amo still around. Together, we hit the gym after breakfast, and I listened to Amo’s decision to divorce his bitch of a wife, Cressida, to be with the woman he truly loved. It was a good distraction from my own thoughts.

I wondered if she wasn’t happy about the revenge I’d taken because there was one more person who needed punishment in her eyes: me.

“Happy belated anniversary,” I said, trying not to let my frustration show, though it was hard. Why couldn’t she see that I had done this for her? So she could move on? “Oh, yes.” She glanced at the parcel. “Happy anniversary. I didn’t think we’d celebrate.”

“You can put it with the voucher I gave you last Christmas.” She still hadn’t used that one either. She regarded the cup for a moment before she met my gaze. “Thank you for this, and for last night.” I gave a terse nod. We ate in silence after that, and I wondered where we’d go from there. Maybe I’d foolishly hoped getting revenge would wipe the slate clean, that it would mean a new start for our marriage, but Sara’s reaction made it clear that it wouldn’t. Maybe I should stop thinking it ever would and just return to living the life I had before Sara.

Maximus had encouraged me to spend time with her now that she would be living in New York, and maybe I would. Her trauma was different from mine, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t bond because of it.

This wasn’t a marriage of convenience. This was pure love. I’d never expected a love marriage, but the marriage Maximus and I currently led was far less than I’d hoped for. It was mostly my fault. I avoided him as much as possible and never joined him when he helped out at the shelter on weekends.

Witnessing Amo’s and Greta’s interactions throughout the festivities, I felt a deep longing inside me. A longing for a love of my own. I wasn’t delusional; it was highly unlikely that Maximus and I would ever love each other, but I wanted a different kind of love in my life. The love of a child.

Now I’d have to face those fears if I wanted to become a mother and try to see Maximus as the man I’d been attracted to again and not a memento of our past trauma.

“I’m here,” I growled as I stepped in her way. “You can do to me whatever you want. Fuck, I can give you an array of tools you can use to torture me and get the revenge you deserve.” Sara’s eyes brimmed with confusion and shock. She touched her lips with her fingertips, obviously stunned into silence by my words. “Just say the words. I’m yours. If causing me pain helps you heal, do it. Just fucking do it. Nothing’s worse than this fucking charade of a marriage we’re in.”

Nothing hit me harder than the sadness in my wife’s eyes. It was the fucking worst torture in the world, so whatever pain Sara wanted to cause me would never measure up to one look from her. “I’m not angry with you.”

“If you really want to help me heal, help me become a mother. I want nothing more than a baby.” I was completely taken aback by her request. Since we’d lost our unborn child and could barely be considered husband and wife, I’d put any thought of us becoming a family out of my mind. My life had centered around brutal revenge. “You want a baby from me?” “You’re my husband.” Ahh, yes. She wanted a baby from her husband, not really me. Because I wasn’t the man she wanted at her side, just the man she had to tolerate.

“Sara, what we have can hardly be considered a marriage. We don’t talk, and we rarely see each other. You avoid me as much as you can. Do you really think this is an environment for a child?” Not to mention that we didn’t even share a bed. Fuck, did she realize I might have to touch her if she wanted a baby?

“I have another request. I know it’s a lot to ask for, but if things go as planned, it might only be for a very short time.” I raised my eyebrows in confusion. “Can you please not be with any other women as long as we have to be intimate?”

“That’s what you think of me? Yes? That I’ve been fucking other girls all this time?” She blinked up at me and swallowed hard. “We weren’t intimate…and I know you and Amo used to be wild.” I nodded grimly. “Used to be.” I raised my finger with our wedding ring. “Before I put this on. Maybe our marriage is hardly that. Maybe it’s mostly for show, but my parents taught me to honor marriage so that’s what I’m doing.”

Maybe Maximus had been so clipped because I’d hurt his feelings with my words. He always appeared so strong and unfazed that I often forgot that he had feelings too. I needed to talk to someone. I picked up my phone and called Isa. She picked up after the second ring.

Hearing Isa confirm that I had ignored Maximus’s feelings made me feel horrible.

“Then you can’t know. Let me ask another question… what do you want? Apart from a baby.” “I don’t know. I’m not sure I can ever be with him without being reminded of that day.” “Not if you don’t try. You have to take action. Replace the bad memories with good ones.” “Is that how you’ve handled your kidnapping?”

“I know. You mentioned that she thinks her room was too childish.” I blinked. Sometimes I chatted about whatever crossed my mind during our brief evening conversation or when we were in a car together, but I’d never taken into consideration that Maximus was actually listening. I gave him a sheepish smile. “You thought I didn’t listen to you.” There wasn’t accusation in his voice, only resignation.

“Today, I’m only dealing with standard debtors. One of them has been in hiding for weeks, but I have a lead on him.” “Be careful,” I said. Maximus straightened with a sardonic smile. “I’ll make sure I won’t die before I get you pregnant.”

I flushed. “Just be careful. Always.” I swallowed. “I’m really sorry if I offended you with my request.”

girl for a great fuck, but I couldn’t do this to Sara. Even if she probably didn’t care. She was my wife, and no matter if our vows were worth almost nothing, I wouldn’t trample on them like that too. I closed my eyes and ran blindly. “Maximus!” someone shouted.

“Maybe I should ask her for a divorce. That way, she could start new with a guy who doesn’t remind her of one of the worst days of her life. But I can’t. I just can’t. Even if our marriage is far from good, even if things are hard, I don’t want to give her up.”

Every time I saw my ring on Sara’s finger or heard her say my last name as hers, I felt possessive, even proud that I could call a woman like her my own. I was so fucked up.

“I couldn’t look at you because I felt fucking guilty. Because I felt like a fucking rapist. Fuck, because I was one.” She froze, her finger still resting on the plate. “You didn’t want to do it.”

“We were both victims.” I gripped the backrest of the chair. I wanted nothing more than to throw it across the room. “I don’t think we’re talking about the same event. I had to force myself on you.” “You had to. And I gave you the okay because I knew you didn’t have a choice, just like I didn’t.”

“Sometimes I think that it’s my fault our baby died…” She swallowed thickly. “That because I was so caught up in my trauma, I couldn’t show it that I still wanted it. That I didn’t love it enough because of what happened and that it just left because of that.” I shook my head, feeling completely at a loss. I leaned more heavily on the backrest. I couldn’t believe that she’d harbored the same feelings of guilt as I had. Hearing those thoughts aloud from her lips made far less sense than in my head.

“Nobody would have blamed you if you’d not chosen to keep this pregnancy.”

But I also wanted to salvage our marriage. I wanted us to become more than what we were. With how things were progressing, that would never happen.

Sara wasn’t a fling, she was my wife, and I wanted more than the miserable marriage we currently led, more than the awkward and painful sex. And I knew I would have to be the one to take the reins to make that happen. For Sara, sex had no good connotation. It was my job to change that, even if I was also the reason it was bad in the first place.

Even though we were almost an arm’s length away, I counted it as a win. Still, I wanted nothing more than to reach over and pull Sara against me.

“That’s part of my job. It’s not all there is to me.” She flushed. “So you don’t like it?” “No, most of the time I do. But it’s not what’s really important to me.” “Then what is?” “My family, our dogs, the woods. I love the outdoors and the sense of freedom it gives me. Nature’s rules are simple; humans are complicated.”

Seeing her honest smile and the way it lit up her eyes, I wanted nothing more than to kiss her.

She leaned forward and pressed a brief kiss to my lips, then retreated quickly. I was stunned. “What was that?” I murmured. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, then regarded me with an expression as if she wasn’t sure either. “I just wanted to test something.”

“We should try every night for the next few days.” Three or four times of painful sex—for Sara on a physical level and me on a mental one. Fuck.

“Tonight, we’re spending a chilled evening in our rooftop garden, chatting and just trying to be a normal couple and kiss. And tomorrow, we’re having sex, but we’re not using lubricant. I’m not going to stick my cock in without preparation. We’re going to do this the right way, like it should be done.”

“What would you like me to cook tonight?” Sara asked after a moment, sounding more composed than a minute ago. Screw it. We would be spending the next few days trying to make a baby. I couldn’t walk on eggshells anymore. “I’d prefer to eat you, but as that’s not on the menu tonight, I’d love a hearty soup.” Sara gave me an open-mouthed look, then snapped her lips shut. “All right.” Fuck, I would have laughed at her stunned expression if I wasn’t nervous like a virgin about the next few days.

“We’ve done this before, sitting beside each other like this, and you even kissed me,” I reminded her. “I know. But that was just a peck, and it’s just kind of strange knowing what’s going to happen all day. It’s increasing my anxiety.” I raised my eyebrows. She planned our sex life according to her ovulation. Sara grimaced and let out an embarrassed laugh. “Hypocritical of me, right?” “You’re my wife, and I won’t ever badmouth you, but since you were the one who called you hypocritical…”

“You deserve so much more than what we have right now, Sara.” She looked at me with huge, emotional eyes. I was done with words. I touched her cheek and leaned forward. “Just a kiss, okay?” “Okay,” she breathed.

Maximus’s face came closer, and his other hand came up to touch my cheek, but before his lips touched mine, he paused, giving me time to pull back or stop him. I didn’t.

Maximus regarded me, his eyes seemingly taking in every inch of my face, and bridged the last inch between us until his lips brushed mine. The friction sent sparks through my entire body. My cheeks became warm, and soon, my entire body felt hot. Maximus kept the kiss light, sliding his lips over mine once more before he pulled back, but only a couple of inches. I wished he wouldn’t stop. I wished he would keep kissing me.

He met my gaze and gave me a small smile before he returned his attention to the flames. His eyes glowed as the fire reflected in them. I allowed myself to see Maximus at that moment, see him as he was and not as part of a memory that he and I needed to overcome to move into a future together.