This Inevitable Ruin (Dungeon Crawler Carl #7)

by Matt Dinniman

“No dumb bastard ever won a war by going out and dying for his country. He won it by making some other dumb bastard die for his country.” GENERAL GEORGE S. PATTON

Anyway, Carl’s team basically got donkey fucked by the system,

and now Carl has both the flamethrower and the meatball. It was sad as shit.”

“This is going to be a hard conversation. People like you, they want meaning to their suffering. They want to know that what’s happening to them is for some greater good.

I’m here to tell you, no matter what they say, no matter what you might eventually hear, the crawl is absolutely unnecessary.

There is no greater good other...

“If you make this decision. Be sure. Be sure it’s your only option. This is more than just a failsafe. It’s the end of everything. If there’s time to do something else, don’t be so quick. So you must be absolutely certain.”

Holy fucking shit, I thought.

Holy fucking shit, I thought again.

He lowered his head. I will fight. I will fight. I will fight.

“I just love this for me right now.”

New Achievement! Crab Chowder! You jerked off a crab. You really need therapy. Reward: All food items in your food boxes now have the option to be served “chowder style.”

“Yes, Carl,” the potion bottle said, his voice deep and demonic. “Drink me. Drink me deep. Put me inside of you.”

“What the shit?” I asked as Donut hissed.

“That’s how you know it’s a good potion,” Mordeca...

“In all of my life, I have never felt a sense of betrayal this profound,” Donut said.

“Why haven’t you told me about this, then?” She gasped. “It’s an affair. It’s the same sort of thing. You’re having an affair! And to think the other woman is a meatball. How are you ever going to look Mongo in the eye again?”

The little monster made a ridiculously cute, high-pitched giggling noise and shuffled closer to the confused dinosaur and jumped right into Mongo’s open mouth with a hop. He rolled over inside the dinosaur’s mouth, little, elephant-like feet waving in the air as he continued to giggle. Mongo’s eyes went huge as he suddenly didn’t know what to do.

Mongo did not spit him out. Instead, he seemed to contemplate for a moment before he lifted his head in the air and swallowed.

With a hurk, hurk, hurk noise, Mongo yakked the meatball back out onto the table. The little ball rolled out, bouncing and giggling.

“Carl, you’re cheating on me with an imbecile.”

Both Mongo and the meatball scrambled toward the bowl, but a shout from Donut caused Mongo to pause. Garret made an excited glurping noise and hopped face-first into the chowder. He popped up, looked at the dinosaur, and made a growling noise, the first sign of aggression at all. Donut gasped in outrage as Mongo backed up.

The thing popped up from the bowl and looked at me, eyes huge. His dot had changed from white to orange.

Cousin Oliver was from The Brady Bunch. This thing is like that. Cousin Oliver. Scrappy Doo. Guppy on iCarly. April on Gilmore Girls.” She spat out that last one. “All late series additions. All attempts to add something new and cute and exciting to a perfectly good cast that ended up making everything worse.”

I grinned and gave Donut a pat. “Don’t worry. You’ll always be my number one girl.”

She harrumphed. “I’m sure that’s what they said to Mary-Kate and Ashley before th...

“Yes, but why’d you name it Party Planner?” Donut asked.

“That’s what Firas had suggested we name the Twister.” He paused, suddenly sad. “I’d told him it was stupid.”

We entered the Meadowlark saferoom.

And just like that, everything changed.

Tipid. Author of the fourth edition of the cookbook.

“How,” I repeated. My legs felt weak.

And then I remembered all the notifications that I’d muted. I met eyes with th...

“A few more,” he said. “Not a lot of us available, unfortunately.”

Holy shit. I swallowed, and I held out my hand to Tipid. The man stepped forward, and he pulled me into a hug. I could barely move. I couldn’t believe it. A wave of emotion swept over me, traveling up my legs, pausing at my chest, and moving its way to my head. I suppressed a sob.

“I don’t know if it’ll be enough, brother,” Tipid whispered, grasping the back of my head and putting his forehead against my own. “But we’re here. We’ve been watching, and we couldn’t watch anymore. We’re here.”

We are so different, but upon reading his words, I feel such kinship. I wonder, did he survive? Those of you reading this, if you are ever free of this place, I pray you seek out the others who came before. It is a dream. Can you imagine? Together, there would be nothing we couldn’t do. Nothing.

But it was more, too. It was terrifying. The ground shook. I felt a deep well of pride at that sound, that chant. In less than three days, we’d all be waist deep in blood. A lot of us would be dead. But for now, this war cry filled me with hope and power.

Donut sniffed angrily. “Carl, if this turns into some weird, furry porn thing, I’m going to lose my absolute shit.”

“I don’t know if I should be terrified or in love,” Florin added as we walked into the flag room.

The little girl gave me a chilling smile. “I shouldn’t have to think about killing outworlders? Why shouldn’t I? Have they stopped thinking about trying to kill me?”

The Inevitable Ruin.

That’s what their queen used to call this moment.

The moment you realized there was no hope, nothing left to do, and all that was left was to die and reflect upon what you’ve already done while you waited. To ruminate on how you’ve helped the colony, an...

Don’t shy from what you’ve become. Force them to look upon you. Force them to see what they wrought, what they forged in the fires of their own creation.

Let them know fear.

Carl: You scared? Donut: Of course I am, Carl. But I think I’m used to it now. It’s more numb than anything. I think nowadays it hits me more when it’s done than when it’s happening.

A strange swell of sadness hit me. I wanted to pat her, but my own hand was trembling too much.

“For the Posse!” Donut roared, and as one, we charged.

You can’t unknow the universe any more than you can unbite the shopkeeper or you can turn back time and stop a crossbow bolt from shattering everything you’ve ever held dear.