This Inevitable Ruin (Dungeon Crawler Carl #7)
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Read between September 21 - October 13, 2025
46%
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“What the fuck just happened?” I finally asked.
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“I’ll tell you one thing, Carl,” Orren said, indicating the vodka bottle still in his hand. “I really wish I could drink this right now.”
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She looked at me and said, “I just can’t wait to see how you make everything worse today.”
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“It’s coming. And not just for these here with me today, all of whom are already marked and damned. Those of you at home, safe with the knowledge everything you’ve ever known is real, true. Those of you watching this, riveted to your screens, waiting to see what happens next. It is coming. It is coming for you all.”
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The inevitable ruin, I thought. The thought came immediately to me, without pause. I felt a chill.
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“In the eternal words of my mulleted friend, Holger. You done stuck your pecker in the wrong beehive.”
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I’m doing my best, but goddamn. Goddamn. It’s getting harder every day to keep myself from drowning.
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Wishing for favorable air currents does not manifest them.
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You ride the currents you have, or you don’t fly. It was as simple as that.
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What was coming... Multiple attacks from all fronts, all at once. We were going to attack from above, from below, from the land, and from within. All at once. We were going to sweep across the entire battlefield, and we were going to slaughter them all.
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The “Miss Me?” had been replaced with a new statement. “Fuck the Cheese Dicks.”
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“It’s cheese sticks, Samantha. Sticks. Not cheese dicks.”
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“I don’t think so, Carl. Cheese sticks doesn’t even make sense. Sticks come from trees. Why would there be a tree made out of cheese? I know one goddess whose clitoris got turned into the head of a bald man named Otis-Ray who spends his day begging to be fed cabbage, s...
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The conversation was, thankfully, interru...
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System Message: Here we go, bitches! Let chaos reign!
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Carl. Steady yourself. You’ve done it before, and you can do it again. They think your mind is your biggest weakness, but it is the opposite. It is the rock upon which the rest of you is built.
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System Message: Warlord Princess Donut has committed an atrocity.
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She was in love with Chris, and I had no idea. She loved his simplicity. His quiet kindness.
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Katia continued. “And every time I try to love somebody, we end up hurting each other. I do that, Carl. I hurt those I love.”
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When Big Things happen on such a large scale, it’s easy to forget sometimes that these Big Things are also happening to the little things in the world.
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I instinctively looked up, but it was all just smoke. Up a level and across the way, an on-fire crawler or NPC fell, screaming, to their death.
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This is war, I thought. This is war.
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Over the past few months, I’d experienced so many moments of pure, unadulterated terror, I’d lost count.
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I trusted my instincts because if I waited just another millisecond, oftentimes it would be too late. Or worse, the utter terror of the moment would overwhelm and paralyze me.
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The problem was, my instincts sometimes were only half-formed, and by the time I realized I’d done something incredibly risky or insane, it was much too late to do anything about it. And because the formation of terror at certain situations was now delayed to make room for these immediate reactions, the holy shit half of my reaction and the I-probably-should-have-thought-this-through half of my reaction sometimes occurred at the exact same time.
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This was how I found myself floating in mid-air above Larracos on my way up to save Donut mere seconds after I received the fi...
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I didn’t think. ...
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I didn’t care.
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Donut was alone, and I would do whatever it took to get to her. Whatever it took.
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She’s strong. She’s smart. She’s my best friend. She is the only true family I have left.
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She says she’s ready, willing, and able to do this. But I fear she doesn’t yet know what she’s gotten herself into.
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And me? If I let her do this? What sort o...
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This is war. What have I done? ...
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Even though Donut had no weapon, the first thing I thought when I saw her was sniper. She looks like a sniper.
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Blood was so much more red when it was spilled from someone you loved.
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Donut muttered, mostly whispering. Her voice had taken on a serious tone I’d never heard before. “Mongo, shush. Mommy is killing bad guys.
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Only then did Donut look up, and I could see her face. I tried not to react. I could see the hollowness to her eyes, as if they were trying to focus on something so far away, she couldn’t quite see it. It’d only been a few hours, but the change was stark. Hours of sitting up on high and raining death had taken a physical toll.
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I held out my arms.
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There was a pause, one that took just a heartbreaking second. But she blinked, her eyes focused on me, and relief filled me.
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She let out a meow and jumped from her seat into my arms. She twisted, doing a barrel roll a few times in my grip, and then moved to my shoulders, circling around my neck, just like she used to do when I’d come home fr...
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You are now within range of the feral god Meatus. Temporary effect from Meatus: Your dick will fall off if you get an erection.
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“What the fuck?” I exclaimed.
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The song was “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit.
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The effect was like forcefully slamming a thousand cherry pies into a chain-link fence over and over until almost all of the goo made it through to the other side.
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She did it dozens of times. She did it until the screaming stopped.
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I gently placed Donut back onto her seat, I moved to the parapet, and I vomited over the side of the tower.
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This is hell, I thought. This is hell.
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Mordecai: By his left fucking tit, Donut. By his left tit. Those spells you just gained are deity spells. You are... I think you’re now the most powerful crawler in the history of this game.
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Donut was back in my arms, cuddled against me, her eyes closed. “It’s okay to cry,” I said. “Not yet,” she said after a moment. “We’re not done yet.” “No,” I said. “No, I guess we’re not.”
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I thought of Priestly, the cookbook author who’d gone insane at the sight of this city after it had fallen. Stab, stab, stab.