Long Way Down (Calloway Sisters, #4)

by Krista Ritchie

We lost the baby.

pool. “I love you,” she murmurs, her voice cracking. “I really love you.” She’s my wife. My sun. The person I thought about. In the end.

“I’m okay,” she repeats what she said earlier. “We’re okay.” My jaw hardens and brows cinch. “We’re? You mean—” Her lips part. “Ryke, you didn’t think that the baby…” Realization washes over her. “When I said everything was okay with me, I meant it.”

I lost Adam Sully at twenty-seven, and I thought I’d at least have him for another five fucking years. Not ten, not twenty, but I thought five—just give me five more years with my friend. And we’ll reach the summit again.

“There are people that love you here,” he breathes. I can practically hear the shadow of his words: I held them in my arms. I’m standing here. Pain rips into my chest. I know he’s not being cruel. I know he understands what I lost. But I think he’s here fighting for my future that I can’t see.

“Ti rispetto e ti ammiro così tanto, amico mio. Mi hai aiutato ad essere altruista.” I respect and admire so much about you, my friend. You helped me be selfless. I always come back to those words because they surprise me—that Connor Cobalt could admire a part of me. That he saw something else besides my blunt, rough exterior.

heavily. “Thanks,” I say, “for everything. Especially Daisy and Lo.” He collects most of his emotion, bottling it all away. “We’re a better team than you think.” The next words must sit on his tongue but he doesn’t say them again: I need you.

“I’m glad you’re alive, Ryke.”

“It’s coming up on six months since Garrison and I have been official, and he asked me if I wanted to do something special.” Willow shuts her laptop. “I kind of blanked and said sure. Now I’m freaking out because I told Lo yesterday and he said special is a code word for sex.” Rose rolls her eyes. “Your first mistake is talking to Lo.” “Hey,” Lily defends her husband. “He gives good advice.”

Rose snaps, “Loren told me to cool down by sticking my head into the freezer. He also said I should build my home there so I can rule over the ice cubes and frozen broccoli.” Lily tries hard not to laugh. Rose gapes. “Sisters before idiotic husbands.” She’s about to chuck her lipstick but thinks better than to use it as a projectile.

“They don’t know us, Daisy, but I know you. I watched you grow up. You made me smile when Lo was in rehab, and I saw you fall in love. We have all these moments together, and I don’t want the media to take anything else away from us. Because…we deserve better. We deserve happiness. As sisters. And as friends.”

It’s September 19th, 2017. I’m twenty-eight. Daisy is twenty-one.

I only went out for breakfast because Lo basically said, “If you don’t come with me, I’m going to drink a bottle of bourbon right in front of your ugly face.”

“So Lily looked it up,” Lo tells me while the waitress refills Connor’s coffee, then leaves, “and you can make at minimum half a million if you sell your cast on eBay tomorrow.” My brows scrunch. “You’re fucking kidding.” “I swear.” He raises his hand like an oath. “My name is on your leg,” Connor reminds me. “It’s probably worth closer to a million or two.”

He’s a finicky one, that Ryke Meadows. But he’s my finicky husband and broody wolf. And he’s alive. I’m certain. He’s still living somewhere in there. The spark hits his eyes every now and then, but here’s the secret. He never gives up on me, even when I disappear at night. Even when I wane like the setting sun. His love is unyielding and exists to cloak me through heartache, through misery, through laughter and pain. I love him in every moment. In every smile. In every frown. And I will love him after every long way down. He can mourn. He can grieve. He can be upset for the rest of his life. And still. I will never give up on Ryke Meadows. Like he never once gave up on me.

“You straighten up my room all the time when you stop by.” “Because I’m older,” Rose notes. “And the neat one.” Fuck.

“Will you walk through shit with me?” “Every fucking day of my life.”

“It’s so fucking hard.” He puts a hand on my back, and after a long pause, he says, “Hard things are the right things. Remember that?” I cry because I don’t fucking know if I’ll ever be the same.

I’m my own anchor. I decide when to rise again. I don’t know if I’m ready. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready enough to reach for the something that I love. I already have the someones with me. Isn’t that all I need in the fucking end?

The cuteness from Lily to Lo and Lo to Lily always makes me surprised that they pretended to be together for so long. I think, all along, they were just fooling each other. The love between them is true and rare and something I always wished I had. I glance at Ryke, and he raises his brows at me like hey, Calloway. And now I do.

Connor closes his lightsaber and gestures from Garrison to the laptop. “You taught yourself code?” “Yeah.” “Why?” Connor asks, deeply interested. Lo lowers his voice to our huddle of four. “Anyone else think Connor looks impressed?” Lily sticks her hand in the red box. “Maybe he farted.”

“Normally I wouldn’t even waste words on someone who I find parochial and meaningless, but maybe I pity you just enough to say this: in the next two centuries, my wife and I will still exist. We will live beyond you through minds and words and hearts. If that makes you feel weak and insignificant, then maybe you should reevaluate your own stance in the world—and not attempt to beat at mine with two flailing hands.” Wow.

“I care about you,” I tell her like it shouldn’t be that crazy of a notion by now. “Not because you’re a part of my brother’s life but because you’re a part of mine. You’re my fucking friend. I love you, alright?”

“I’m really tired…I’m tired of being seen as an object, as less than human, as an emotionless, soulless being. Whether you want to believe it or not, you’re all viewed that way too.”

“You look handsome every day, all day. Is that how you feel, Ryke Meadows?” Just when I look into your eyes.

Lo might’ve been right—a part of me died seven months ago—but I still have my legs. And I’m going to run. Maybe it’ll fill the void inside of me.

Ryke Meadows (Gryffindor), Loren Hale (Slytherin), Willow Hale (Gryffindor, like Neville Longbottom). Thanks for caring about me, even before we were family. My brother and sister.

“I love you.” Tears squeeze out of her eyes. “No matter where we are, you’re always going to be my girl.”

“We all need a little protection sometimes,” I tell her a version of what she once told me. “And there are a lot of people who love you here.” She has to take off her glasses. “This means…so much to me. Thank you.” She fits on her glasses again.

Friends might not be forever, but maybe friends that you view as family have long-lasting powers, destined to stick around.

I know but failing in the eyes of a parent hurts. Even if I fool myself into believing I don’t care, part of me will always want just a sliver of validation from my dad.

Will you lead the way, Daisy?” “Of course, forward and…” I trail off for one of them to fill in the blank. “This is where you shout onward and pump your fist into the air.” I illustrate. In this rare beat, my dad pumps his fist towards the sky and says, “Onward!”

“I’ve always fucking loved you in my arms.”

“Here’s your girl.”

“We made this.”

“I’ve never loved anything fucking more than you and her.”

“I’ll never love you any fucking less…whatever happens—she wouldn’t want that.” My throat tightens. “Even if…” I can’t fucking say it. Even if it’s just you and me.

“I want you to know, Ryke,” Price says, “that I’m going to be here for you and your child, no matter what…”

“…and I asked Daisy’s dad what his intentions were in hiring me. Since Daisy and you had been concerned about my age.” He pauses. “I know why he chose me.”

“He wanted someone that would be here for the long haul. He knew you’d both build a family at some point, and he wanted you to have someone you could trust by then. I won’t retire in ten years. I won’t quit on you. I’ll be here for as long as you and Sullivan need me. I just wanted to give you that.”

“She named you Sullivan…” Adam Sully would’ve loved it, which is why it fucking gets to me. I put my hand to my mouth. I wonder if the name was a spur of the moment idea or if she’s thought about it for a while.

I fucking sob because I’m terrified to live a life without her. Where the world is nothing but dark and lonely again. I don’t know how to be that light for our daughter, but I know I have to fucking try.

She had a total hysterectomy. They removed her uterus, her tubes, and her remaining ovary—along with that fucking cyst. They froze what eggs she had left, but she underwent a major surgery, not to mention losing more blood than I can even wrap my head around.

9-27-14 8-12-16 7-15-17 2-4-18 The day that I kissed Daisy for the very first time. The day that I asked her to marry me. The day we became husband and wife. The day our daughter was born. Beneath Sullivan’s birthdate on my forearm, Daisy scribbled in black pen: 5-19-18 Today. The day I climb again.

I intake Daisy’s soul-bearing smile and whisper, “Senza di te, il cielo non ha sole.” I cup her cheek with my free hand. “Without you, the sky has no sun.”

I want Sullivan Minnie Meadows to race one-hundred-and-fifty miles per hour. No brakes in sight. Don’t be afraid of the unknown in tomorrow. Don’t be afraid of death. There is no worse life than a hollow one. So be alive every second of every fucking day. That’s what I hope she’ll do.

Rose narrows her gaze. “In your dreams.” “I don’t have to dream,” he breathes. “I already have you.”

We all wear armor made of love and time. Together, we can defeat anything. So wicked foes, prepare your slingshots. We’re ready for you. You can’t hurt us anymore.

Ryke is the kind of dad who will no doubt bring her cookies in bed, wish her goodnight, read her a story, tuck her in—and even sit in the hallway when she’s scared. He’ll protect her with every fiber of his being. We’ll teach her to rise above and to love herself so much that other people’s hate won’t drag her down. We’ll be ready for laughter. For tears. For the happiness and the sadness. We’ll bask in every small moment together. Just as I do now.

I love my daughter. More than the fucking world.