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want affection.” “What?” “Like, constantly. I know when we’re in public, that’s out, but I really need to be touched. Always. Even something little makes me feel so …” He tugs me toward him. “Yes.” Then Derek dips his head and presses his lips to mine.
“I’m happy for this to go either way,” he says in that low, smooth
voice. “I know you haven’t done this before, so if it’s easier for you to fuck me, we can do it that way.”
There’ll be time for all the other sex in the world later. “I need you inside me,” I say. “I need you to need me like that.” Derek’s exhale is shaky. “Trust me, I really fucking do.”
The groan he lets out is almost feral, but when he touches me again, it’s sweet. It would be so easy to mistake this for love as he slowly pushes up my shirt, kissing every strip of skin as he reveals it. He doesn’t rush, just takes his time to hold me, kiss me, almost like he can’t get enough.
“What about it is working you up? My voice? Me telling you that you’ve got the prettiest hole I’ve ever seen? Or …” He presses a second finger inside. “How greedy your body is for me? How ready you are to be fucked by me?” I’m ready to sob. “All of it.” The bastard fucking smirks. “Good to know.”
That was sex to get off. This is sex to drive me out of my fucking mind. “I’m ready,” I beg. “I’m ready for more.”
Derek lies down behind me, pressing against my back, and when he kisses along my shoulder, it melts me. “I’m going to put myself in, then it’s up to you how fast or slow you take me. Okay?”
“What if you’re too big?” I ask. “Then we’ll stop.” “I don’t want to stop.” I try to shove down again, but Derek’s hand stays steady on my hip. Lucky he does, too, because the small movement was too much too quick, and it legitimately hurts for the first time. A hiss escapes my teeth. “I need you to be patient, or I’m taking it away.” “You can’t.” “I can. I want this too, but I’m not going to let you hurt yourself.”
“How far am I?” He chuckles, husky and deep. “I’m not going to answer that.” “Fuck.” “It’s okay. Watching you try is so hot. It feels so fucking good.”
“We’re not in a hurry. If you need to stop, we’ll stop, but I know you can do it.” “What if I can’t?” “You can. You’re doing so good I know you can take the whole thing.”
Derek wraps his arms around me and draws me into a kiss. He begins slowly. A gentle rocking of his
hips, fucking me with whatever I managed to get inside.
And when he presses his hips tightly to my ass, he’s panting hard. Locked together like this, feeling fuller than I ever could have imagined … it’s the greatest moment of my life. I clench down around him, overwhelmed with how much I love that.
Derek groans out some mixed-up curses before moving faster. “Watching you take my cock is turning me on so much.”
“Look at me,” he orders. I turn my head, meeting his greeny-browny-golden eyes. “So. Fucking. Beautiful.” That’s it for me. My balls throb, and then I’m coming in my fist, orgasm wrapping tight around me and curling my toes over painfully.
Yeah, my dumb ass has gone and fallen for him. There are days when I question what the point of all this waiting is. We’ve already had sex, I’ve already crossed all kinds of ethical lines, and fuck—it’s been a year. Clearly, nothing predatory is going on between us.
Today isn’t one of those days. “If I was super, super tired and accidentally fell asleep, would that violate our rules?” “Yes.” “But—” “If you think you’re going to fall asleep at four in the afternoon, you should probably head home now.”
But kisses went in the no column, along with platonic sleepovers. Cuddles and physical affection went in the yes.
“You’re the one who made the rules,” I remind him. “Actually, they’re your rules. I just wrote them down.” My thumb skims the shell of his ear. “Are you not happy? Do we need to reassess?”
“I …” He sighs. “No, sorry. I’m fine. Mostly. Will be glad when we can be an actual couple and I can straddle your waist and suck face whenever I get the urge.” My lips twitch. “How often do you get the urge?” He runs an assessing glance over me. “At least four times a day.”
“It would be nice to know you were struggling as well. Just a bit.”
From my end, I know that my feelings are real. I know that when I look at Xander, I see a man who makes me happier than I’ve ever been. That I’m attracted to him, yes, but I’m also growing really strong feelings for him. Feelings a lot like love. On his end, I want to believe he feels the same way. I know that Xander doesn’t think I’ve done anything wrong when it comes to us, but I also don’t know how he feels about me, specifically. And if it came out that his feelings only existed because I was some kind of safety for him, that would be uncomfortable.
The problem is, it’s also getting increasingly harder for me to be around him. I’m no saint, but I like to think I’m a decent guy who genuinely wants to do the right thing, and this relationship has become a mess. My feelings for Xander go way too deeply for us to keep up this casual, flirty friendship
boyfriendship … which means before long, we’ll end up sleeping together again. And again. And again.
Being away from Xander would kill me.
Then he looks up, and the expression on his face wrecks me. “You’re going to Cambodia?”
“Xander. I said look at me, and I mean it. Now.” My gaze snaps up to clash with his, and somehow, it’s even worse. I can’t lose him, I can’t lose him, I can’t lose him.
“I’m going to talk, and you’re going to let me finish before you try to cut in. Understand?”
Since I came back, since I found you … I’ve added one more thing to the top of my dream board.”
“It’s you, Xander.” “Me?”
“Come on, Xander.” His voice is rough. “Do you really think I’d be fucking around as boyfriends and waiting until we can be together properly if I didn’t think you were the real thing? If I didn’t look ahead and see my future with you in it?” These shivery sort of nerves hit me. “The real thing?” His eyes look as wet as mine feel. “I’m trying to do right by my license, but what I feel for you … it’s too big. And I’m tired. I don’t think I can keep fighting it.”
“I want you,” I tell him. “I don’t care how, I just want you. I’ll wait forever. I don’t care. Just please, please don’t leave me.” His eyes squeeze closed. “Don’t.” “I can’t …” “Please, just … let me think.”
and then I’m alone again. “Don’t cry,” he whispers. “Sorry.” I blink wildly, trying to force myself to stop. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to disappoint him.
Because I can’t stop myself, because I can’t keep it inside, and I’m desperate to make sure he doesn’t leave, I choke out, “What about your dream board?”
“I think … I think that’s why I need to do this.” I can’t stop the tears anymore. It hurts too much to think about him being gone, him moving on. I’m spiraling, and I know I’m spiraling, but it takes me a moment. Just a moment to realize something. This is a regular spiral. One that a lot of people experience.
“Staying with me.” I see it right then. The way his eyes dim. “You don’t want to.” “It’s not that.” He strokes my cheek, and I’m so glad he’s touching me. “I want to be with you more than anything, and at the rate we’re going, it’ll mean risking my license.
“What if you decide that I’m not worth it?”
“If I decide that, I’ll decide that, whether I’m here or not. That’s your anxiety asking that question, not you. Can you honestly tell me that I’ve done anything in the last six months to make you think that I’m fucking around? Do you really think I’d be risking my job for something that didn’t mean so much?”
“I don’t know if you know this, but I sort of have abandonment issues. Just a tiny bit.” I swallow roughly. “I’m always so convinced that people are going to leave me. Maybe it’s time I trusted someone to come back.”
I slam into him so hard an ooompf leaves his chest, and he stumbles backward a step. But he
drops his bag from his shoulder to wrap both arms tightly around me. “Fucking finally.” His deep groan fills my ear as his face buries into my neck.
Derek’s mouth crushes down on mine. I squeak into the unexpected kiss, opening for his tongue, toes curling in my shoes, and I swear my head goes so light I might float away. My hands wrap fists into the front of his T-shirt, and when Derek finally pulls away, my whole face feels flushed. “I needed that,” he sighs. “You needed that? I was a second away from begging for it.”
Derek wraps his arm around me and kisses my head, but it’s not enough. I need more. I need to wriggle into his skin and live there.
gut sinks. I’d been hoping Derek would come over and that I’d be able to convince him to stay, even if it meant me having to take the couch. If he’s heading home, I’m going to have to say goodbye. Again.
“Hey.” He squeezes my side, and I look up. “You going to come with me?”
Derek shakes his head. “First, I would drive you home before I let you do that, and second … I don’t want you to go home.” I perk up. “What?” “Stay the night.” “At … your place?” “Yup.” “But … the rules …” Derek’s teeth scrape his bottom lip. “You know what, Xander? Fuck the rules.”
“Will you be my boyfriend? Officially?”
“Fuck it. Fuck them all. Maybe they find out and I lose my license and do something else. Maybe I quit. Maybe I … I don’t know. All I know is that not being with you doesn’t make sense. If I’m fined or
stripped of my license … I’ll figure it out. I love you, Xander. And the fact I had to be away from you for so fucking long doesn’t make sense. I want to make you happy. That’s it. That’s top of my dream board.” “Shiiiirt sleeves,” Seven groans. “You better say yes, Z, or I will.” “Not if I get there first,” Molly adds.
