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Doesn’t he get that I need him? My eyes prickle as I whisper pathetically, “I want to own you.”
His foot slips between mine under the table and then links behind my ankle. Derek leans over the table toward me, and this time when his hand covers mine, there’s a possessive grip to it. “I’m trying to be a good person. At least let me pretend.” I know all about pretending to be a good person. I know all about the lies I have to tell myself to do it. So I tell one more. “Friends,” I agree. “Nothing more.”
Xander’s gorgeous. Contacts or no contacts, cute clothes or sweatpants, lip gloss or bare face, I’m constantly blown away by how stunning he is. But it’s not only his looks that I’m attracted to. Xander is an old soul. I can see it in his wary eyes, how sometimes he turns so introspective I lose him for a moment. He jokes about what he’s been through and has no issue saying some messed-up things about himself that make me die a little inside. I can’t imagine he means them or that saying those things is good for him, but I’m no psychologist, so what would I know?
“There are a lot of things I want to be for you, but I can’t be that as well.”
He squeezes my leg before releasing it, and the feeling goes straight to my cock. I ignore it. I have to ignore it.
“Oh my god.” Xander holds on to the chains and hangs himself right back. “I’m going to marry a freaky little bug man. Why, cruel world, why?” I drag myself to a stop as well. “You’d be fucking lucky to marry me.”
“Derry, are you proposing? In a park? The same place I was ruthlessly stolen from my parents? I never knew you were so romantic.”
Xander turns to look at me, and I have another one of those moments where I’m stunned stupid for a whole second, just by the sight of him.
“I’m not scared. I don’t think I’ve stopped hurting a day in my life.” “That’s … Xander …”
“And if anything happens between … I know I joke, but, like, us or … whoever. If I ever find someone who doesn’t get sick of me one day, they’ll be his as well.”
My fingers find his cheek, and fuck me, it’s so soft. His eyes drift closed, and my heart is beating out of my chest. “Xander, I—”
He cracks up laughing as I’m still trying to orient myself. I’m never going to survive him.
I want him. I’m sure he wants me. I don’t understand why we have to jump through so many fucking hoops to make us happen. It was last year that he last treated me; why isn’t that enough?
“I wouldn’t have blamed you being pissed after what I said last time I saw you.” Seven glances my way. “Ehh. You were right.” “Didn’t make it easy though.” “Which is exactly why I didn’t punch you.” Derek laughs. “I thought you said you’re harmless?”
Derek’s attention lands on me, and I get a split second of that gorgeous smile before he catches what I’m wearing: one of Rush’s work shirts with only one button done up at the front and very thin cotton booty shorts. Derek’s eyes widen a second before I push onto my toes and hug him. His arms close around me, and I get that familiar feeling of being so happy I could burst.
I turn to leave when he grabs the back of my shirt and tugs me backward. Derek steps in close, all body warmth and a fresh wash of citrusy cologne as he leans down by my ear. “I really hope you’re planning to put clothes on before dinner.” “I don’t know what you mean. I’m wearing clothes.” His groan is rough. “Let me rephrase. I’m going to need you to put on something where I can’t see the outline of your cock.”
“Why?” I turn my head so we’re nose to nose. “Does it make you uncomfortable?” “Only one part of me.” Excitement chases the nerves away. “I like my choices, then. I guess that one part of you will have to find a way to make itself feel better.”
Derek stands up, and I hurry after him. It’s not until we’re out of the room that he looks at me, and thankfully, he looks amused. “Next time you want my attention, just ask. Don’t get annoyed with your friends.” “I wasn’t … annoyed.”
“Fine. Molly’s very pretty and nice and sweet, and I’m none of those things, and clearly, you were enjoying that.” His eyes light up as he steps closer. “Were you jealous of Molly?”
much attention?” “Yes.” Derek reaches up and gently tucks my hair behind my ear. Soft fingers skim against skin, and all the annoyance drains out of me. “He means a lot ...
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“And … do I mean a lot to you?”
“You’re incredible, Xander.” I slowly look up and find him watching me.
Derek’s warm fingers find my cheek like they belong there. “You’re so fucking incredible it kills me.”
“What … what if it didn’t?” he whispers.
“What if it didn’t kill you? What if you were just you, and I’m just me, and we’re in a room together with no one else?” I wish it was that easy. “Ethics are still ethics, even if no one else knows about your choices.”
His tone has a begging edge that’s getting me right behind the ribs. “Please. I want to kiss you. Just one time.”
This though? Xander begging for something I want to give him?
“I know we can’t have a relationship. I know it can’t mean anything. But this once. What if this doesn’t kill us? What if it’s everything we ever wanted?”
“What we have isn’t enough for you?” “I don’t think I can be friends. I never could.”
“Xander … that’s all a relationship is. Friends who have sex and care about each other. Isn’t two of those things go...
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“Maybe it is when you’ve never had it before.” It takes me a second. “What? You’re a—”
“No, I’m not … freaking out. I’m … how?”
“Don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m a little fucked-up.” Instead of telling him he shouldn’t say that, I take his hand and press a kiss to his pointer finger instead.
“Good, but not where I want it.”
All it takes is one word from him. “Please?” He’s worth all that and more.
My mouth slams down over his, and it’s exactly what I dreamed it would be. Soft, willing, a heady mix of nervousness and excitement and way too much lust to contain. He’s gripping the front of my shirt like I’m going to disappear on him, but there’s no way in hell I’m stepping back now. It’s already too late.
He still pulls away too soon. I can’t focus, my dick is so hard, and I’m craving to touch, but after finding out he’s never done this before, I’m hesitant to push for more. “Wow,” Xander whispers. “That was … I don’t think one kiss is enough.”
“You seriously underestimate how attracted to you I am.”
“Yeah, well …” He waves a hand over himself. “There’s not much to look at.” The fact he said that and actually believes it almost makes me see red.
“Can I?” He curiously holds my gaze as he nods.
But fuck, I’m paying attention now. He’s on the thinner side, with prominent collarbones, but he’s got a nice-sized chest that tapers down into a narrow waist and those sinful shorts.
Then Xander blows my fucking mind by hooking his thumbs into the front of his shorts and, with the same tortuously slow speed I used, pushes them down his legs. He’s not wearing underwear, so I’m left with the sight of what might be the prettiest cock I’ve ever seen.
“What … what do you want? What are you comfortable with?” I ask, trying to be conscious of the fact this is all new to him, when all I want is to get carried away in the moment. “Anything when it comes to you.”
“If we only get this one time together, we can’t have that.”
“Are we going to have sex?” “If you want to.” “I want. I want to finally know what it’s like.” “Then kiss me.”
This kiss is pure relief, a mix of this beginning and us never wanting it to end.
“You’re a natural,” I mutter into his mouth as I turn and collapse back onto the cushion. Xander straddles my lap, and I slide my hands further down to grip his ass. “It blows my mind that you don’t know how sexy you are.”
He might not want to hear about how fucking perfect he is, but I can show him instead.
Ruin him. Leave him begging for more. Exactly how I will be once this is over.
The want I felt for Derek before has exploded. I need his hands all over me, need to press closer, while knowing it will never be close enough.
