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His mouth breaks from mine, and I chase it for a moment until he speaks. “Touch me, Xander.” It’s not until he says it that I realize my hands are locked on his shoulders, where they’ve stayed since he picked me up. “Where?” “Everywhere,” he groans.
His lips press desperately to my jaw. “Tell me you’re close.” I give in to the urge to thrust and almost whimper. “So good.” “That’s it. Fuck my fist. Make yourself feel good.”
I test out a moan, and it feels so good leaving my lips. Derek nips my collarbone. “You’re going to make me come, sounding like that.”
The satisfied sigh that passes his lips gives me hope.
“It was … wow, Xander. That was every bit as amazing as you are.” My eyebrows flex with a frown I fight against. Fucking compliments. “No.”
I cared about … about the fact that I’d never had someone want me that badly.
“Yeah. I’m not someone who can do one-night stands, I guess, and there aren’t a lot of people who’d get involved with someone like me. I’m high-maintenance.”
“So everyone thinks you’re annoying and worthless?” “Yup.”
He lets that sink in for a moment. “What if I told you that I don’t?” “Then I’d ask why you’re bothering to lie to me. I’m not offended by people thinking I’m a shitty person. It is what it is.”
“You’re not a shitty person. Sometimes you act like it when you remember to, but I’ve seen your guard down way too many times to believe it. I’m sorry we can’t have a relationship. I’m sorry this can’t be more for us. But if we’re going to continue to hang out and try to stay friends, I need that to stop.”
Hanging out with Xander is the hardest thing I’ve ever fucking done. He said he couldn’t ever be friends with me, and I know what he means, but for now, we’re existing in this weird sort of limbo where we both want each other and we both want more, but we’re pretending that side of us doesn’t exist.
In the few weeks since we had sex, Xander’s decided that boundaries don’t exist anymore.
“You’re cute when you’re jealous.”
“Or you could believe me when I say that I don’t want to be best friends with you. Keeping that little bit of distance between us is needed. For my goddamn sanity.”
But when I’m with Xander, I don’t want to be smart. He feels like mine. He acts like mine. In another universe, we met at random and are already dating. In that universe, I can touch him whenever I want.
“You should know not to trust me.” He gets his evil smile. “The second you ask to have sex again, I won’t even pretend to think about it.”
wish he wouldn’t. I wish he’d give up on me and realize that anything between us is a lost cause. I wish I could disappear for a year and trust that he’d be here waiting. For me. I’d wait forever for him.
His voice softens. “They’re going to love you. I’ve … told Manny a lot about you.” I’m not sure why that surprises me, but it isn’t something I’d thought about before. “What did you say?” “That we’ve been hanging out a lot. That you’re really cool, and I love spending time with you.” Derek sighs. “I wish I could have said more.”
“These guys think we’re friends?” I clarify, focusing on them and not on all the ways I’m deficient. “We are friends.” I send Derek a glare out of the corner of my eye, which only makes his smile wider.
“Whatever assumptions they jump to about us are on them. We know what this is.” “A two-year unnecessary torture session?”
“Derek will not shut up about you. It’s embarrassing. He’s an embarrassment.”
Manny nudges me with his elbow as he passes. “Nice sweater. Now, I could be wrong, but I swear I’ve seen it before …” My cheeks heat because I’m not sure if Derek wanted people to know or not. That said, it’s from high school—surely Derek knew these guys would recognize it. I scramble for an excuse, trying not to give myself away. “I was cold.”
“Just … go easy on him. Derek hasn’t dated in a really long time, and I was worried about him there for a bit. Got real down about … I dunno. Something. Kind of lost himself for the last year or two. Just be good to him.”
“We’re not dating.” “Really?” He looks legitimately surprised. “I dunno, man. It looks a whole lot like it to me.” Me too, Manny. Me too.
could, but once I get started, I tend to trauma dump. Then you’ll want to give me sympathy, which isn’t something I want because I don’t connect with any of it anymore.”
Always moments where I question if I’ve made the right decisions, especially when it comes to you.” “Why me?” “I don’t want to hurt you. I … feel … a lot. For you. And I can’t show you that, but I also don’t want you to think it’s because I’m playing with you or that I don’t care.
My brain plays tricks on me sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I’m an idiot. I know what I want.” He drops his eyes to the floor and whispers, “I’ve been waiting my whole life for you. Just you. I’m not going anywhere.”
Instead of fighting myself on it, I reach for him. Xander folds into my arms like he’s always meant to be there. “I’m sorry I can’t give you more right now. You deserve everything.” “And who says you’re not already giving me that?”
“I’m already yours in all the ways I can be.”
We’ve made it through a year. One more to go. I just need him not to get sick of me before then.
If I go missing tomorrow, who the fuck would care? I try to remind myself Derek would, but then I see our future. Derek getting annoyed. Derek getting distant. Derek giving me that taste of us and then taking it all away. A deep pressure settles over my chest, making it hard to breathe, and fuck. Why? Why now?
“Boyfriends are bossy.” My eyes drift to the back of Xander’s head. “I can’t wait to find out.”
Messy hair, reddened eyes missing their contacts, and face so pale the bags under his eyes stick out. I’m so used to seeing Xander look nothing short of perfect that this … it both breaks my heart and puts it back together again. “I’m a mess,” he says. “What have I said about you talking shit about yourself?”
“Don’t try to be cute with me,” I say softly. “Be honest. What’s going on?” “I’m never going to be good enough for you.”
“My psychologist thinks I’m self-sabotaging by wanting someone unavailable.”
Someone else’s doubt doesn’t get to be my doubt, and if Xander wants me, I’m his. I wasn’t lying about that. “Look at me.”
“Yeah, I am unavailable, Xander. Because I’m already yours.” “W-what?”
“I thought that was fucking obvious, but I guess I have to say it. No, we’re not having sex or officially in a relationship, and I hate it too. But we need this time to get to know each other outside of a medical context, and I’m so glad that we’re doing that. I’ve learned so much I didn’t know about you, and the more I learn, the more I fall for you. I’m not playing games. There’s no one else for me, and I’m happy to wait out all the time we need to for us to be able to start this thing right. If you are.” “But I’m a mess,” he whispers, and from the corner of my eye, I see Seven’s jaw clench.
“That’s a lie, and you’re the only one who believes it. For months now, we’ve spent most of our free time together, and there hasn’t ...
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“Here’s the thing. I’ve made my choice. I can’t offer you anything official, but that doesn’t mean I’m not solely committed to seeing where this goes. I’ve seen you during your most vulnerable moments. I refuse to be your carer and your boyfriend, but I know what I’m signing up for. I know everything about you. Your past, your fears, how you can’t always control the things your mind does. I also know about how fucking talented you are. How good. How you still want to see the best in people, even if you need them to prove it to you before you’ll let yourself trust it. We’re both coming into
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to make. Not now, but soon. Because I’m also willing to wait for my person.” Xander’s lips part, and I hate that he’s still eyeing me like he’s not sure whether to believe me or not.
So instead of pushing further, I lean in, press a hard kiss to his lips, and before I leave, I meet his gaze and say, “And for what it’s worth, you have the ...
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I’m just going to be nervous as fuck while I wait for him to figure out what he wants.
“But it’s been really fucking hard loving him alone.”
“I don’t know what’s going to happen between you both, but I know you get it. I know that you know exactly what you’re signing up for, and damn, I hope he lets you because, well, I think I need him to.”
“Everything he’s told me, I … he might have saved you, but I know you saved him too. I’ll never be able to thank you enough.”
“If he decides he doesn’t want to wait around for me, I’m still only a phone call away. Anything you need. The respect I have for you … like, fuck.”
“I’m here today for us to draw up ground rules for our relationship,” I tell him. In the first column, I write the word “boyfriend,” and then before he can chime in, I tick yes. “Now, I know this can’t be public or official or anything like that, but I have my reasons for this.”
“Yes. I’ve never had a boyfriend before. Apparently, I have the trust issues of a wet paper bag, so I really want to know what it’s like. With you.” “Deal. Boyfriends.”
“Will you fuck me in your bed?” He chokes over his words. “Yeah. If that’s what you want.” “I want.”
