That One Moment

by C.S. Autumn

They are a contradiction. One light, the other dark. Identical twins. Only not.

He’s too perfect and no one is that perfect, not without having some darkness hiding somewhere.

If his brother is the diamond, he is the rough.

Only two people matter to Caiden Carrington - his twin and his mother.

He’d be just as beautiful as his brother, I think to myself, if he wasn’t so fucking angry all the time.

I have no intention of coming between the two of them, but I’m also not going to let Caiden’s bad attitude and childish behaviour ruin something that has the potential to change our entire lives.

I grit my teeth against the overwhelming rush of protectiveness that I feel towards Caiden. It's different to how I feel about Cooper. This feeling is softer, less primal, less charged.

I offer him an arm and though I can feel the tension rolling off him in waves, he accepts. It’s the first time he’s ever leaned on me.

No matter how much my life sucks, no matter how many times I close my eyes and wish the world would stop spinning, I could never leave Cooper.

I will kiss this man for the rest of our lives.

I hate that lost look he gets in his eyes, like he’s hopeless, like he doesn’t matter.

I will never tire of holding this man, he will never not be everything I need.

I close my eyes, ignoring the stone that sits heavy in my stomach when I think about Caiden.

I reach out a hand to Caiden. “Happy Birthday.” His eyes widen briefly before he schools his features and places his hand in mine. I want to say that I don’t feel something when his skin brushes mine, but the little buzz of electricity in my blood can’t be ignored.

The space he takes up in the room is so much smaller, so much darker than that of his brother,

“I hope that’s where we go when we die,” Cooper says, his voice full of wonder. “It would mean that we get to look down on everyone we leave behind and they would always look up at us too. Because who doesn’t stop to look at the stars?”

“It’s perfect, right?” Cooper says, depositing himself on my lap. “Jamie gives the best presents.” “Yeah,” Caiden says, his voice barely a whisper. “It’s perfect.”

Jamie, the boy with messy brown hair and the crooked grin. The one who sings old songs out loud regardless of who's around and who talks animatedly about buildings and shit. Jamie, who I want to hate because Cooper loves him and he loves Cooper, and no one loves me.

I try to squash the thought that he chose this gift because it reminded him of me. I shouldn’t think that Jamie picked it out for any other reason than that he needed to buy something.

“I feel like I’m drowning, Cooper. All the time. Like there’s all this water and it’s pushing me down, holding me under, and there’s no one there to save me.”

“I’ll be your lifejacket. I’ll always save you, Caiden. Always.”

I wish I could hate him. But I don’t think that’s really what I feel. The longer I stay locked in Jamie’s eyes, the harder my heart beats,

his painted nails. They’re blue this time, similar shade to his eyes. It’s a difference I notice almost immediately as though there is a part of my brain that catalogues everything about him.

His hair covers one eye and without thinking, I brush it away. His skin is cold, and at the feel of my finger along his forehead, his eyes flutter closed for one brief second.

People believe kissing someone at midnight means you’ll be in love forever. He deserves that.” “Even if that’s with me?” I can’t help but ask, and something flickers across his features before he sits up and turns his body to face mine. “Yeah, Jamie. Even with you.”

Caiden looks up at the sky, his throat bobbing, and I can’t take my eyes off the slender curve of his neck. I swallow sharply when he looks down and catches me staring.

Caiden's lips tip into a gentle smile and my heart skips one, two, three beats.

Because I seem to have no control over my hands, I swipe it behind his ear. My hand lingering there for a second too long. He turns his face and presses his lips to my palm. It’s that movement - his lips on my skin - that has me shooting off my seat. This is all so wrong - the way he’s looking at me, the way my heart is racing - it’s all wrong.

I can see he’s trying to be happy - if only for his brother - but that sadness is still there and a few times, I catch his eyes lingering on me and his twin.

The truth is, in that moment, everything seemed bleak and there he was. His green eyes burning into me, his smile small on his pretty lips and his voice warm and genuine. And I wanted whatever it is he gives my twin. For one selfish minute, I wanted it for myself.

I'm scared of the way Jamie makes me feel. Maybe it's safer if I go back to hating him.

I twist the bracelet Jamie gave me around my wrist, turning and turning, watching as the clasps move in a wave-like motion. I don’t ever take it off because even though I mostly wish he wasn’t around, I’ve also never had someone care enough to pick something like this for me.

Jamie thought about me and he picked it for me. That knowledge does something to my heart that I refuse to dwell on.

“I’m going to marry you one day, Cooper Carrington. I’m going to put a ring on your finger, build you a house and then love you forever.”

“I'm going to make a difference in this life.”

Oh this hurts

the way I see it, showing and telling someone you love them should be something you do every day of your life. One day, you may wake up and not have that option any longer so why waste the precious minutes when they’re right there in front of you?

Caiden is laughing, a deep, hearty laugh that I have only heard once before. It makes my stomach do something unfamiliar and I rub at it before realising what I’m doing and drop my hand to my side.

I hate that I crave the pain, I hate that I’m so fucking tired of trying to be better and I hate….I just hate the person I am.

“Hi Cade, we’re just about to start cooking, coming to sit outside?” Cade. He’s never called me that before. Dammit, why does that do something to me?

I’ve been jealous of Cooper and Jamie. Not because I was losing my twin and not because I so badly want someone to love me the way Jamie loves Cooper. No, I don't want just anyone to love me like that - I want it to be Jamie.

Jamie laughs louder, his head turned to face Cooper, and Cooper briefly takes his eyes off the road to smile at Jamie. And that’s all it takes. That one moment.

Cooper

Oh

My legs won’t move, I can’t even feel them. The steering wheel pressing into my abdomen is crushing me into my seat. There’s so much pain, an ache from somewhere I can’t pinpoint and a strange pinching in my heart.

Despite the fear, and the soul crushing knowledge that I am not walking away from this, I smile. Because Caiden’s here with me. How poetic, how tragic, how devastatingly beautiful that we entered this world together and now I’ll leave it with him by my side too.

“Caiden,” his name on my lips is a plea. The words delivered on a rasp that hurts my heart more than it does anywhere else. “Look for me in the stars.”

“Tell Jamie…tell Jamie, always.”

I hope he can forgive me for leaving him. I’d have stayed by his side and grown old with him if that had been in the cards for us.

“I love you,” I say in the tiniest whisper. “Cooper!” he yells. “Open your eyes Coop, please, please open them. Don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you. Please. I love you. I need you.”

I’m okay, because even though it’s dark and I never got to do all the things I wanted to, I can see Caiden and Jamie in a sea of light and they’re all I ever needed. And I’ll find them in the stars one day.

I lived, but he took me with him and all that’s left is this empty shell and a heart that shattered into a million pieces.