That One Moment

by C.S. Autumn

“What am I doing?” he says quietly to himself as he scratches his nails against my scalp.

And if she can’t help you, we’ll find someone who can.” We. I wonder if he’s aware that he said that. We’ll find someone. Not me, not the doctors. We. The two of us. Jamie and Caiden.

“Will you be here when I get back?” “I’ll be here,” he replies, with absolutely no hesitation.

“You’re so perfect. Perfect mouth…your tongue…fuck…More, please more,”

“Would you let me fuck you?” I ask, kissing a purple spot blooming on his neck. Jamie groans and curses, his body trembling as he comes.

“I’d let you do anything to me, sunshine,” he whispers.

“That’s it, good boy. Let go. I’ve got you.”

There’s a little niggling thought in the back of my mind though, that says he’s seeing Cooper when he looks at me,

“Please don’t regret this,” I plead, vulnerability bleeding into my words.

“I could never regret you. I’ve told you that already,”

I'm nothing like Cooper. I can't be him for you, I can't.”

“I don’t want you to be anyone but you, Caiden. I know you’re having a hard time believing that but it’s true. Just be my pain in the ass stepbrother, with a bad attitude and terrible taste in music.”

I’m not comparing you and I don't wish you were him. Whatever paths we took led us here, to this moment where I'm with you, sunshine. You.”

“Good boy, Caiden. Cover me in your cum. That’s it.”

Thankfully, Caiden is a deep sleeper and hasn’t noticed, because I’d hate for him to know that I dream about losing Cooper most nights.

and while I regret the hurt I'm causing her, I don't regret him.

“Coop told me once that Jamie is an old romantic that believes everyone has one soulmate, one true love. If Cooper was his, where does that leave me?”

“You’re in love with him.” I shake my head from side to side, but soon enough change direction. “Even thinking about Jamie and love in the same sentence wracks me with guilt. It feels like a huge betrayal.”

Cooper is dead. He’s not coming back. He cannot love Jamie any more and you cannot betray him because he’s not around to be betrayed.

“Be nice, Jamie. I know you two had your issues but he’s home now and my husband needs this.” She has no idea how much I begged him to come back, how badly I want him here.

“Tell me you missed me,” he says. “Tell me you wanted to see me, even if it’s a lie.” “It wouldn’t be a lie.” Tilting my head, I ghost my lips over his. “I missed you. I want you.” My lips press roughly to his. “I’ve never wanted someone so badly.”

“I want to punish you for pushing me away.” His hands find purchase in my hair and I look up at him. “But at the same time I want to worship every inch of you.” “Do both,”

“That’s it, sunshine. Suck me. Show me how much you missed me.”

“Oh fuck, fuck, I’m gonna fuck your throat so hard you feel me there for days.”

“God, you're so perfect. Choking on my cock like a good fucking boy.”

“You’re so beautiful, I can’t stop looking at you.”

“I can’t stop dreaming about you.”

“I can’t stop thinking about how perfect you are. For...

He smells musky and I realise he smells….like me.

Oh I don't know how I feel about that actually

“Do you want that? To be mine?” Whimpers fall from my lips and my body writhes beneath his as he works me over, hard and fast. “Say it.” “Yes!”

I need you to be okay, Caiden. I know that's selfish but I can’t….” I can't lose you too. “I want you to be happy and safe.”

“Do you think we could be something good?” I kiss him. Hard. Hoping the kiss is enough to tell him just how good I think we can be.

I don’t look at him and think of Cooper and not because they don’t look alike - we all know they do - but because he’s so different to his brother and how I feel is different.”

“I don’t like that you’re not in my hoodie,” I whisper, because I’m suddenly so possessive of this man, I have this urge to keep him dressed in my clothes all the time.

“Not since…not since before.” Before Cooper died. Everything is now either before or after, like his death was the pinnacle turning point in both our lives.

“Long distance can work, don’t you think? Not like it’s even that big of a distance. We can see each other on weekends.” Ask me to come with you.

I cut you out of my life because you’re toxic and I didn’t want to die from your poison.”

“We can make this work, long distance if we have to. I want….I want you.” He clears his throat. “I want to be with you.” “Then ask me.” Stepping forward, I touch my palm to his cheek, applying pressure until he meets my imploring gaze. “Ask me to come with you.”

“Ask me,” I mumble, letting my lips brush his. “Say the words, and let’s do this for ourselves. Let’s see how good we can be.” Caiden clears his throat and meets my gaze. “Come with me. Live with me.”

I begin to wonder if I’ve been wrong all along. What if it’s possible to fall in love more than once?

“Boyfriend?” Of course that’s all he took from those last few minutes. “Don’t act surprised. We live together, sleep together, and are frustratingly co-dependent. That makes us boyfriends.”

“Jamie.” I say his name with mock warning. “Caiden,” he replies seconds before he slams his lips to mine, engulfing me in a searing kiss that’s all tongue and teeth and hunger. “Boyfriend,” he mumbles against my lips. “You make me so fucking angry,”

“Now, be a good boy for me. Suck it or ride it.”

“I said, open,” I growl. “God, you’re hot when you’re bossy,” he says, before opening his mouth and spitting on my cock. I groan then slide it over his tongue and into the warm, wet heat of his mouth.

“Kiss me,” he grunts. “Need your mouth, need more of you.” Doesn’t he know he already has every bit of me?

I’m in love with my dead twin’s ex-boyfriend, I’m hardly in a position to judge.

“When you met Cooper, you told me he was the one. Your soulmate. I hoped you were right, I hoped he would be by your side forever, but when we lost him, it broke my heart thinking that you might never open yourself up again to the possibility of love.”

I’m certain what I felt for Cooper was love, but at the same time, the feelings I have for Caiden aren’t the same. They feel stronger, deeper, and they consume me in the best possible way.

“My sweet little prince, you've always had these fanciful ideas of romance, but life isn't a fairytale. You fall in love and if you're lucky, it lasts a lifetime and if it doesn't, you find it in you to fall in love again. And when you do, that doesn’t erase the people you loved before, if anything, it makes you appreciate the new love you have even more.”

Cooper stopped being a ghost among us and instead lives on as a happy memory that doesn’t hurt so much to talk about.