That One Moment

by C.S. Autumn

I turn away because I can’t look at him. He’s a painful reminder, a ghost. For all those times I thought they were nothing alike, I see it now. I see how similar they were and I can’t bear it.

There’s a darkness inside me that wishes he’d died instead of Cooper.

Caiden remains seated, his head buried in his hands. No one comforts him and I know Cooper would have wanted me to but I can’t bear the thought of being close to him.

Cooper will soon become a distant memory to them. The cousin they barely spoke to, the student they sat next to, the neighbour who once walked their dog. But he’ll still be my everything - my once upon a time, my hopes, my dreams and my greatest loss.

“You don’t get to cry. You were a terrible mother to him so don’t insult him and pretend otherwise.”

“He deserved so much better than you.” I point to her and she looks at me, her mouth open, a hand resting dramatically over her heart. Spinning around, I direct my words at Caiden. “He deserved so much better than both of you.”

“He wanted to make a difference, he had plans. We had plans. You stole those from him.” I bang my hand to my chest. “You stole those from me.” Tears rush down my cheeks in waves, in the same way they do Caiden’s. Lowering my voice, I add the final blow. “I wish it had been you. I wish you had died instead of him.”

I am so far removed from the man Cooper loved, that I don't even know who I am anymore.

Unknown number: Mr Durand, this is Anne from Timeless Memories. I wanted to let you know that your engagement ring is ready for collection.

One thousand and ninety five days of putting one foot in front of the other and trying, trying so bloody hard to be better. To be everything that Cooper was. To feel like I deserved the life that I got to keep living while at the same time punishing myself because he didn’t.

I don’t want to die. Dying without the certainty that I’ll see him again is scarier than living without him.

He’s always seen me in ways that make my heart both sink and soar.

“After Coop died, I thought about it long and hard and decided that if anything ever happened to me, I needed the person who dealt with everything to not care about me.”

It doesn’t go unnoticed, that despite everything that went down between us, he came here. For me.

My heart beats a rhythm that says ‘you came back’ and his green eyes meet mine. They say ‘I came back.’ And we stare at each other for more heartbeats than I can count.

he slowly runs his finger along the bracelet there. I was hoping he hadn’t seen it. I don’t need him to know that I never take it off - that some days, I cling to it like a lifeline. The reminder that once upon a time there was a chance, someone maybe cared enough to choose it for me.

Cooper died, but living is my punishment for everything I did wrong to him and everyone around me.

Three years of pretending Caiden’s exile from our lives didn’t add pain to my already smarting heart.

“You told me you wished I’d died and I wished the same,” he says, his voice muffled behind his hands. “Would it really be so bad if you got what you wished for?”

I ignore the way my heart thuds erratically at his proximity.

“I know you don’t want me here. But you can call me. You’re still my stepbrother. There’s still a chance for us - your dad included - to be a family.”

A big part of me says I owe it to Cooper to make sure Caiden’s okay. That’s what brought me here in the first place - but another part of me - the one that scares me most - wants to stay because I want him back in my life.

“You know he’s not Cooper? And he’s not a replacement. You can’t treat him like he is.”

He needs to leave and go back to his life. I so badly want him to stay.

Caiden left. He left his family, he left his home but he kept this guy.

He pushed me away last night but I should have known that that’s what Caiden always does. I should have stayed. I’m not going anywhere now.

And then to now. To this moment where it feels like he’s right where he’s meant to be. Where he smells unfamiliar but he feels like mine.

“Or maybe you’re here because you think I’ll fill that gap he left behind. Is that it Jamie, do you want to fuck me and pretend I’m Cooper?”

Far, far, away in the back of my mind, there’s this thought that I’m a terrible brother, but it’s not enough to stop me.

“I do,” he says against my lips. “Think of him. All the time. Even when I’m fucking someone else. Is that what you wanted to hear?” He runs his nose from my cheek to the spot beneath my ear. “But you’re wrong, so fucking wrong.”

“Is that what you want, Caiden? You want me to be thinking about Cooper?”

“Or do you want me to tell you that no, right now, I can only think about you. That I came here for you.”

“Tell me to stop, Caiden. Tell me this is wrong. Tell me, Caiden,” he begs and I ignore the turmoil in his voice because I can’t tell him to stop.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he says over and over, in time with his thrusts. “I’m so fucking sorry.” “Why do you… you….keep,” I try to get the words out but he’s fucking the air right out of my lungs, “apologising?”

“Because. Because you didn’t deserve any of it.” I’m crying now. Crying and floating and so close to coming that I can’t control the words that fall out of me. “I did. I did. I was bad, I messed up.”

“No. You’re so fucking good.”

I was taking something that was never meant to be mine.

Please don’t go. Say you came here for me. Please.

I know it shouldn’t have happened - and will absolutely not happen again

Sure

There’d been times before - years ago - when I’d catch him looking at me, when our hands would brush or I’d be hyper aware of his presence next to me and I’d get this feeling like something minute existed in the unspoken words between us.

When our lips met, there was something inside of me that cried out to him. Lost in the moment - lust and anger fuelled - I wanted him more than the air in my lungs.

Butterflies take flight in my chest as the air is sucked from my lungs. He’s wearing my hoodie.

“I’m not Cooper.”

I don't think of Cooper when I'm with you. What happened last night, that was me wanting you.”

“And Darius, this is Jamie. My uh…my brother’s…my… uh…This is Jamie.”

There’s no rule book on what to do when you become infatuated with your dead boyfriend's twin.

Caiden was nothing but a memory that kept resurfacing and now…..now I can’t stop thinking about him.

He looks at me then and smiles. And fuck me, it’s beautiful. He’s beautiful.

I want to kiss him. I don’t because we’re not that - I still don’t know what we are to each other, and I’d do well to remember that I have a girlfriend and a life that may never include Caiden Carrington. But God, do I want to kiss him.

I can already feel myself getting attached to the space Jamie has started taking up in my life and it's a dangerous, foolish feeling.