Finding Delaware (State of Us #1)

by Bree Wiley

Except for Taylor, who’s had a permanent scowl on his beautiful face all morning.

His ocean eyes snap up to mine, full of fire, the brightness of his irises driving me insane. Blue and green, blue or green. Pick a fucking color.

“You wanna go for a ride?” I ask hoarsely, low-key wanting to keep that light in his eyes for as long as possible. He throws me a sideways glance, lips turned down. “With you?” “Yeah, why not? This can be like neutral ground or something. A fake place. Like…Delaware.”

“So, what, this track is a land of make-believe or some shit?” Nodding, I do my best to toss him a megawatt grin. “Exactly. Out here, nothing has to exist. No fights. Just us. Just Taylor and Huckslee.” Like I wish it could be. “What do you say?”

Please say yes. Please.

I just wanted to see Huck without being scrutinized by our parents or peers.

“You’re fucking cute when you’re flustered,” I blurt out, cutting off his rant, and my smile grows when his lips part at my words.

Any excuse to keep ‘accidentally’ bumping my knuckles with his, I’ll take.

I’m lying on my side, stretched out on the couch, my head inches from Huck’s thigh, and…his fingers are in my hair, playing with the strands. His movements falter as he inhales sharply, both of us freezing, analyzing the situation. When I make no effort to get up, Huck slowly resumes massaging my scalp.

It’s lovely. Different. Soft. I like it. My entire body relaxes, and I’m asleep again within minutes.

Something like disappointment has my shoulders drooping, which just confuses me. Who was I expecting to see? A certain mop of blond curls, maybe…

My heart leaps when his gaze meets mine, his forearms bulging as he flicks the laser pointer. A crooked grin curls his lips, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Fuck, why? Why does he have to be so gorgeous?

What do you want, Taylor? I want to see you. Please.

“Yeah,” I agree, the anger in me rising again. “And I should have known better than to trust you.” His head snaps up, hurt flashing in his eyes as he steps toward me. “Listen, let me try to explain.”

Shaking my head quickly, I spin around to head back toward the house, “I’m done with this. Done with you. It’s too fucking confusing, and I’m tired of it.” “Huckslee.” His hand grips my non-splinted arm tightly. “Please.”

And, of course, as always, my mind is on Huckslee.

It had little to do with Logan and everything to do with the fact that I wasn’t touching him. I could see it. Maybe I’m a bit delulu, but I don’t care. I’m holding on to that hope like it’s a lifeline.

Fuck, even sad, he’s adorable. Makes me want to make him hot chocolate and shit. Tuck a blanket around him. Sit on his face.

And I make sure that he knows it, too, by how I look at him. Realizing I was in love with Huckslee wasn’t as earth-shattering as the books and movies make it out to be. I kind of always knew in the back of my mind. That’s why I couldn’t seem to stay away from him.

“Huck, I never hated you. In fact, I really fucking liked you, okay? Like a lot. Remember when I explained all of this at the track?”

“I call those the Taylor zoomies,” she grins. Honestly, it’s fitting. The way he’s jumping up and sliding down the hill repeatedly reminds me of a golden retriever who’s been let off his leash. It’s oddly endearing.

A thermos appears in my vision, and I look over to see Taylor standing next to me, lines on his red cheeks from the ski goggles on his forehead, pushing his hair back. Nose pink. He looks so fucking cute that I automatically scowl.

He grins, flashing his crooked incisor when he nods in encouragement, and I find myself staring at his bright eyes as I take a few more gulps before handing it back to him. The color in his irises seems more green today against the sea of white surrounding us.

This is Taylor fucking Tottman, and I’m supposed to hate him. Because he’s an asshole. And selfish. And the cute, charming act he’s got on right now is just that; an act.

“I’m not building a snowman with you, Taylor.” My shoulders slump as I deflate, and I push out my bottom lip while I peek at him from under my lashes. Aw. He blinks at me again, a myriad of emotions crossing his face before he mutters a curse and grabs his snowsuit. Yay!

“What the fuck, Taylor? What was that?” I raise my hands up, palms out, as I take a cautious step toward him. “It-it was an accident, okay? I just got caught up in the moment. I won’t do it again.” I’ll try. Lord, I’ll try because how he’s looking at me right now makes me terrified that I’ve chased him away again.

Please don’t pull away from me again.

Blood, blood everywhere, soaking into the bathroom tile. “Don’t you fucking leave me here alone, Huck! Don’t you fucking dare.” Breathe. Please, baby, breathe. Don’t bleed out, don’t bleed out, don’t bleed out.

He looks like shit, with dark circles under his eyes and lines beside his mouth, yet still so heartbreakingly beautiful that I want to scream.

My brows slam together. “What?” “Still?” His hand drops to his chest, clutching it like a string of pearls. “Even after everything?” “Still what? What are you talking about?” He slides two shots over to me, shaking his head in disbelief. “Here, sweetie, you need these more than I do.” “What, why?” Sighing, I raise my gaze to the ceiling. “Just spit it out, Royce.” His eyes narrow as he jerks his head in Taylor’s direction. “You’re still in love with him.” Not a question. A statement.

The door opens to some sort of back alley between buildings, and I barely have time to catch Matthew leap away from Xed before bending over and throwing up all over the ground.

Why does the thought of him with someone else tear me up like this? He’s my stepbrother, for fucks sake. We’re not...we’re not anything to each other.

Just each other’s first kiss and first love. First and only person to ever break your heart.

I fucking hate it. I fucking hate him. For making me feel this way. For never getting out of my head. For hurting me. But mostly, I hate myself for hurting him back.

The longer Taylor stares, the more I want to forget him. Forget his bright eyes that can’t seem to pick a fucking color, forget the way he kisses even though it’s never left my mind in over four years, forget the joy on his face from building a fucking snowman. Even the feel of his mouth on my cock, which is so sick and twisted that I’m even thinking about that.

“You scared the shit of me,” he whispers, hot breath against my ear, and I murmur a ‘how so?’ into his skin. “When I walked out here and saw you slumped over like that... you’re ice cold, Huckslee. I tried to wake you twice. I thought...” He trails off, and the reality of what he’s saying hits me like a ton of bricks. Dead. He thought I was dead.

Why would he have a picture of me on his wall? And right where he’d see it first thing in the morning? A feeling blooms inside me, warmth and softness I can’t place spreading throughout my chest.

“Huckslee, I’ve been in love with you since the eighth grade.” My skin prickles under his gaze, but I keep my eyes closed. “I didn’t realize it until after I crashed your car, though.

“Things had started to shift between us, and I wanted you so fucking bad. But years of mental abuse are hard to overcome, you know? We already talked about this at the...the cabin.”

“Honestly, I think it happened in the hospital,” I whisper, pressing my lips to his throat, feeling raw from so much speaking and soul searching, “when you never visited. I had nothing but time on my hands while I recovered, and every thought was on my stepbrother, who thought I hated him, but the truth is that I’ve never hated you, Huck. I wanted you from the moment I saw you that first day in eighth grade. And it was torture, each day that passed with you not walking through the hospital room door, and I just...knew. That I loved you. But then four months passed with no contact, you started dating Royce, and it felt like my heart had ripped in two.”

“We were...we barely even…” “I know, we’d hardly touched at that point. Had only kissed like three times, but it was enough for me. It’s fucking stupid and embarrassing, but that was all it took.” A bitter laugh leaves my throat. “It doesn’t take much for me, apparently. The slightest crumb of affection, and I’m a goner.”

Anyway, it’s not like I’m out here falling in love left and right with every person I meet. I’ve dated plenty of women over the last four years that I didn’t love. And, of course, I love Salem in a platonic way, but...it’s only you, Huckslee. It’s only ever been you.”

“Royce told me that night that you were in love with me. Said he could see it in your eyes, and when he looked in mine...he saw that I was in love with you, too.”

“Hey, you’re alright. It’s alright. I’ve got you.” A choked sound leaves his throat like he’s trying to say something, but it gets trapped inside. Just like he’s trapped inside his own head right now. “Huckslee? Baby, stay with me.” I shake his shoulder, but he still doesn’t acknowledge me, clearly on the verge of a major freakout.

“Give and take, baby.” He’s back against my body in an instant, our bare chests now flush as our mouths find each other again, and my stomach somersaults at the word he just called me. Baby. I’m baby.

I kiss him greedily, savoring the taste like it’s the last time I’ll get to have it. With Huckslee, you never know when that’ll be the case. He’s made a habit of disappearing, and that fact alone should stop me in my tracks, but it only fuels the inferno blazing under my skin. Burning up for the man on top of me who I’ve denied myself for so long. And I’m sick of fighting it. Fighting him.

“I can’t get you out of my head, Taylor. I haven’t been able to for four years.” My tongue darts out to wet my lips, flicking his in the process. “Are we doing this, then?” “Doing what?” I pause. “Us.”

He likes the idea of it, of having me. Owning me. Even though I’ve been his from the start. And I want him, too. God, I want him. More than I’ve ever wanted anything, even motocross.

Ask me again in the morning. I knew he’d run. He always does. I expected it. So why does it feel like I’m falling apart?

He knew. The whole time he was kissing me and giving me the best pleasure of my life, he knew he’d be gone when I woke up.