The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

by Mel Robbins

5-4-3-2-1 anytime there was something I needed to do . . . but I didn’t feel motivated to do it. 5-4-3-2-1 get up when the alarm rings. 5-4-3-2-1 pick up the phone and start networking to find a job. 5-4-3-2-1 open the bills that had been piling up on the counter for months. I started calling this countdown technique the “5 Second Rule.”

The 5 Second Rule taught me that action is the answer.

Small, Consistent Action Changes Everything

I didn’t achieve success or financial freedom because of some secret. I did it because I was willing to do what most people won’t: I woke up every day, and regardless of how I felt, I kept slowly chipping away at my goals for over a decade, a painstakingly slow process.

was shocked when I discovered the answer for myself: It was other people. Or rather, how I was letting other people impact me. I was spending too much time and energy managing or worrying about other people. What they do, what they say, what they think, how they feel, and what they expect from me. The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people. And yet, you live your life as if you can.

The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people.

You work harder, bend further, and shrink yourself smaller, and still, someone is disappointed. Still, someone criticizes. Still, you’re left feeling like no matter how hard you try, it’s never enough.

other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them.

The time that you have with the people that you love is like a melting ice cube. One minute, it’s there . . . . The next, it’s gone. And here’s the sad truth: You and I, we can’t stop the ice cube from melting. The only thing we can do is make the most of the time that we have with the people that we love while we have it. In moments like this, when I really stop and pause, I always feel a little sad.

started saying Let Them anytime I felt stressed, tense, or frustrated . . . and funny, I realized it was almost always regarding other people. Let my family be late to absolutely everything we go to. Let Grandma read the news out loud: “Did you hear about this . . .?” Let people hate the photo I just posted online. Let Oakley be mad that I’m not letting him stay out late tonight. Let them leave dishes in the sink. Let them do construction during the Monday-morning commute. Let my relatives be judgmental of my career.

Let my mother-in-law disagree with my parenting. Let them be sold out of bagels at the bakery. Let the neighbor’s dog bark all day.

You’ve been fighting to change people, battling to control situations, worrying about what people say, think, or do; and in doing so, you’ve created unnecessary stress, tension, and friction for yourself and in your relationships.

In these types of painful situations, you’re going to have to keep saying Let Them over and over, because when something hurts, the hurt doesn’t just disappear. It rises up again and again. So don’t be surprised when you find yourself having to repeat Let Them again and again.

Let Them wasn’t about giving in. It was about releasing myself from the control I never had in the first place. Because here’s the truth—no matter how much I tried to analyze the situation or how many ways I could try to control or fix it, nothing I did would change what had happened.

my attempts to control the situation were making me feel horrible.

control gives us the illusion of safety. When we’re in control, we believe we can protect ourselves from pain, disappointment, rejection.

Trying to control people and situations doesn’t calm your fears. It amplifies them. Any psychologist will tell you, the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become.

In Stoicism, the focus is on controlling your own thoughts and actions—not the thoughts or actions of others.

Radical Acceptance teach that suffering comes from resisting reality. The pain we feel often stems from wishing things were different than they are.

You acknowledge that others’ actions and choices are not yours to control, and in doing so, you reclaim your emotional freedom. This is Radical Acceptance in its most empowering form.

Detachment Theory teaches us how to emotionally distance ourselves from situations that trigger us. When you say Let Them, you’re practicing emotional detachment.

True power lies in our response.

By choosing how we respond—by not feeding anger, hatred, or negativity—we exercise the ultimate power over ourselves.

when you say Let Them, you are recognizing what’s in your control and what isn’t. Instead of spiraling, you’re choosing to steady yourself and detach.

WITHOUT LET THEM

Anytime you internalize other people’s thoughts, actions, and feelings as evidence that somehow you’re a bad person or you’ve done something wrong, you just gave other people power. And it shifts the dynamic and balance in the relationship. You feel beneath them.

When you say Let Them, you free yourself from the weight of all the negativity that just made you sink. It’s like pushing off the ground on a seesaw. You go up and your friends on the other side go down. The power dynamic shifts. B) SAYING LET THEM

But then, that moment of Let Them is over.

And here is the danger of only saying Let Them: If all you ever do is say Let Them, Let Them, Let Them, it will lead you to feel more isolated. It will make you want to withdraw or shut down.

the major discovery that I made when I first started researching the theory. Let Them is just the first half of the equation. You cannot stop there. There is a second, critical part to the theory—Let Me.

When you say Let Me, you’re tapping into that power by taking responsibility for what you do, think, or say next. Let Me makes you realize that you are in control of what happens next and that life is more fun and fulfilling when you’re not sitting alone in your superiority.

When you say Let Me, you take responsibility for what YOU do next.

C) SAYING LET ME

I’ve created a special guide in the Appendix at the end of the book that breaks down parenting and the Let Them Theory in detail.

“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”

So I asked Dr. Nerurkar how we reset our brain back to normal functioning. She said the first step is to understand what stress actually is so that you know you have power in these situations.

Here’s how you do it: The moment anything happens that stresses you out, say Let Them. Put yourself in pause. Then say Let Me and take a breath. Let Me take another breath. Slow your stress response. Calm your body and brain down. Take control and regain your power.

Every time you say Let Them, you acknowledge that you cannot control this situation that is stressing you out. When you say Let Me, you are following Dr. Nerurkar’s advice and focusing on what you can control, which is your response to these stressful situations.

“The Let Them Theory is like a sigh of relief for your stressed brain. It helps you reclaim control over your anxious thoughts so that your brain and body can finally get out of survival mode and back to thriving.” Let Me explain why this matters. If you allow yourself to get completely stressed out, you are giving all your power to other people.

your stress at work isn’t changing, so you need to change your approach to dealing with it.

If you let your emotions get the best of you, it’s going to make you crazy. If you let the stress of this situation take over, you will never be able to think strategically about your next move. There is always a next move.

You can act like a toddler and call your boss every name in the book, but the harsh truth is that you’re the one to blame—because you are choosing to stay in a job that makes you miserable.

every situation is different, but one thing remains the same: You always get to choose how you respond.

I find it helpful in these stressful moments to just say Let Them, take a pause, and consider: Is this going to bother me in an hour? Is this going to bother me in a week? Or is this something that just bothers me right now?

it doesn’t matter enough for you to get involved, then stop complaining about it. It just stresses you out. And as you are learning, that’s dumb. Talk is cheap. If it really bothers you, dedicate some time and energy to changing it.

Problem: Other people are going to do things all day that bother you, annoy you, or stress you out. It will happen. You can’t control it. When you allow someone else’s behavior to stress you out, you give other people power. That leaves you drained with no time and energy for yourself. Truth: Your body’s stress response is automatic. You will feel yourself getting annoyed. You will feel frustrated. You will feel the anger and agitation hit. You can’t control the emotions that rise up inside of you. But you can learn how to reset your stress response so your emotions don’t hijack you. Solution: Using the Let Them Theory, you protect yourself from the stress other people have been causing you. Your power is in controlling your response to the other person’s behavior, to the annoying situation, and to the emotions that you feel.

When you say Let Them, you make a decision not to allow other people’s behavior stress you out or bother you. When you say Let Me, you reset your stress response and take responsibility for how you respond.

The truth is, people will have negative opinions about you and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change this fact.

Do not reinvent the wheel. Follow the formula and use it to your advantage.

Give people the freedom to think negative thoughts about you.