The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

by Mel Robbins

Make it a habit to just cheer for people and wish them the best.

Let Me be the first to introduce myself. Let Me be the first to say, “I’m new here. How long have you lived here?” Let Me be the first to say, “If you ever want to go for a walk, let me know. Here is my number.”

All you have to do is go first.

Compliment people everywhere you go. If you love their nail color, tell them. If you love their outfit, tell them. If you like their socks, say it! People love to be complimented because they feel seen and appreciated. And it’s a foolproof way to break the ice with someone without feeling weird. 2. Be curious. Ask them what they’re reading. Ask them what they ordered. People love to talk about themselves. And even if it doesn’t go any further than the other person saying thank you, you get points for being the one who goes first. 3. Smile and say hello to anyone and everyone you pass or meet. Being a warm and approachable person is a skill. If you practice it, it becomes a way of life. When you move through life with a welcoming spirit, life opens up to you. 4. Do this without expectation. The reason to be warm to strangers is because simply creating connections with other people will improve your life. The warmth you give to others always finds its way back to you. Trust that the more you do this without expecting someone to invite you out to dinner, or someone to immediately click, the faster the right people find their way to you. You can think about it in terms of energy. You are opening up your energy, knowing that the people that are truly meant to be in your life are going to match it naturally. Loneliness is real. But you’re not stuck there. It’s hard to put yourself out there, but it’s harder to stay in your house and feel lonely. I’d rather have an awkward moment...

Don’t expect them to find you. Go first and you’ll find them.

Problem: The Great Scattering happened and you didn’t realize it. You have been approaching friendship the wrong way ever since. You have expected to be included. You have expected to be around your friends all the time. You have expected the text back. That expectation has led to feelings of disconnection, isolation, and uncertainty in approaching new or existing friendships. Truth: There are three pillars to adult friendship: proximity, timing, and energy. It’s your responsibility to understand these three pillars and adopt a flexible mentality and proactive approach to your friendships. You have so much power in your relationships, and some of your most favorite people are just waiting for you to go first. Solution: Using the Let Them Theory, start creating connections without any expectations. You go first. Start saying hello to people around you and building that feeling of community wherever you live today. Sign up for that class. Create the book club. Send the text. One awkward conversation at a time, you will find your people. This approach empowers you to create the most incredible community around you, filled with friendships that are meaningful, supportive, and aligned with who you are.

Here’s the truth: When you push someone, it only makes the person push back. You’re working against the fundamental law of human nature. People need to feel in control of their decisions. You want people in your life to change, but pressuring them creates resistance to it.

you need to understand the science of motivation and change so your approach is more effective.

Truth #1: Adults only change when they feel like it. Stop trying to motivate people. It doesn’t work.

Truth #2: Human beings are wired to move toward what feels good. Another reason why pressure doesn’t work? Humans are wired to move toward what feels good right now and to move away from what feels hard in the moment.

order to make a change, a person must be able to separate themselves from the pain they will feel in the moment and the action that they need to take. That means while he is sitting on the couch, he is going to have to say to himself, “This is going to suck to exercise, but I’m going to do it anyway.” He has to do it. He has to separate himself from the pain. He has to decide to override his feelings and push himself to do it.

Truth #3: Every single person on the planet thinks they’re the exception.

And one of her findings is groundbreaking: that people believe that warning labels, threats, and known risks do not apply to them.

People only change when they are ready to make that change for themselves.

Loving people means that you have to meet them where they are.

The first change in your behavior is to stop pressuring and start accepting. Let Them be.

Dr. Sharot’s research shows that your influence is highly effective, but it requires a lot of patience because it will take time for your positive influence to take effect in someone else’s brain. So you’re going to need to say Let Them a lot as you just focus on your own behavior and your attitude about it. It’s important to do this without the expectation that they will change. The reason why you have to give up your expectations is that if you do this expecting them to change, you’ll start to resent them when they don’t. Focus on yourself, model the behavior and the positive attitude because it works for you, and hold out the hope that the magic of your influence will work on them. Be prepared to give it six months or more. I know what you’re thinking. Six months?!

In the ABC Loop, you have three steps: A: APOLOGIZE, then ASK open-ended questions. B: BACK OFF, and observe their BEHAVIOR. C: CELEBRATE progress while you continue to model the CHANGE.

The conversation needs to be in person, without any alcohol involved or time pressure to finish quickly. Do not have the conversation in a random place or when you only have 20 minutes on the phone. It doesn’t work like that. It’s really about connecting at a deeper level with someone you care about on an issue that is bothering you.

The whole point is to communicate in a manner that neutralizes any tension and creates the space for positive change to happen.

The best way to do this is to come prepared to listen to the other person wholeheartedly without interrupting them.

Give yourself permission to get to the root cause even if you discover something ugly about yourself.

THE ABC LOOP

My favorite part of this technique is that it focuses on asking open-ended questions. The thought behind this technique is that getting the person to talk about how THEY feel will encourage them to think about the disconnect between what they want and their current behavior. This is the opposite of pressure. Instead of thinking you know what someone should do, you’re asking open-ended questions because you’re curious about where someone stands with their behavior. The best way to start this conversation is to first apologize. You could say something like, “I want to apologize for judging and pressuring you, and I realized I’ve never asked you how you feel about your . .

Whatever they say, just keep asking them open-ended questions that reflect back the answers they just gave you.

You are just asking questions. Your opinions are irrelevant and they are not for this conversation. The second you offer one, you’ll be pressuring the person and it will kill the effectiveness of this technique.

People do well when they can. Not when they want to do well, but when they can.

So Let Them talk. And Let Me listen.

Step B: BACK OFF, and observe their BEHAVIOR. Now that you’ve apologized for your behavior and asked them the open-ended questions, you have to back off and stop pressuring them.

Space allows them to come to the idea for themselves. Time allows the tension to transform into motivation.

Step C: CELEBRATE progress while you continue to model CHANGE. Once you’ve asked the open-ended questions and you’ve backed off while continuing to model the behavior change, you have to celebrate any progress you see. Whenever they make the smallest move forward, celebrate it.

immediate positive rewards after someone does something hard will boost their intrinsic motivation or desire to do it again. When you acknowledge their effort, it acts like fuel to keep them going.

The most important change in any relationship is the one that you can control: yours. You change how you show up. You stop pressuring the person that you love and become more loving.

Problem: Pressure doesn’t create change; it creates resistance to it. You are acting with the best of intentions, but it is yielding the worst result. Every time you pressure someone, it pushes them away. You are not only straining your relationships, you are fighting against the wiring inside someone’s brain and body. You think the tension and frustration are due to the fact that the other person won’t do as you wish. You are wrong. The tension and disconnection are being created by your pressure. Truth: Adults only change when they feel like changing. Human beings have a hardwired survival instinct to be in control of every aspect of their life. Anytime someone feels like they are being forced to do something, they will fight back—and you will find yourself locked in a battle for control. What human beings want is to feel acceptance and love. They need to be in control of their own thoughts, actions, and decisions. Your power is in your influence. Solution: Using the Let Them Theory, you will leverage the laws of influence to unlock someone else’s intrinsic motivation to change for themselves. By using the ABC Loop to ask open-ended questions, model behavior change, and celebrate progress, you use your power to influence change in other people. The key piece of this is creating the space for someone else to believe the change is their idea. Not yours.

Enabling is when you justify or support someone’s problematic behaviors because you think you’re helping them.

loving someone will require you to Let Them learn the hard way.

Allowing other adults to face and feel the natural consequences of their actions is one of the most important steps of healing.

If you are giving financial support to someone in an attempt to help them through a hard time, you better be very clear about the conditions upon which you are giving that support.

unconditional love does not mean unconditional financial support.

Let Them doesn’t mean leave them alone.

Problem: Rescuing people from their problems makes them drown in them. When you enable others with your money, words, and actions, you don’t foster their independence—you hinder their healing. You prolong their suffering, their debt, their breakdown, and in turn, your own. Truth: People only heal when they are ready to do the work. You will be ready for them to heal before they are. While your intentions may be good, constantly stepping in to solve their issues creates dependency and frustration, and hinders their ability to take responsibility for themselves. You cannot want someone’s healing more than they do. Solution: Using the Let Them Theory, you must step back and allow adults to face and feel the natural consequences of their actions. Instead of rescuing, offer support with conditions. This approach helps them take responsibility for their own healing and growth, and demonstrates your belief in their innate ability to get better and do better.

“If someone likes you, you’ll know, and if they don’t, you’ll be confused.”

One of the fundamental principles of the Let Them Theory is that people’s behavior tells you exactly where you stand in their life. You need to understand: This is very black and white. You are either a priority, or you are not. There is no middle ground.

I want to say it again: If they like you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused.

First, they both wanted the relationship to work. And they were both willing to do the work to make it better. Second, the issues that created problems did not require either person to give up their dreams or compromise their values.

Remember one of the fundamental takeaways from this book: People only do what they feel like doing. Yes, you can influence them. But if you keep wanting them to change, and they don’t, it not only weakens your love. It creates resentment.

open-ended questions are what researchers call motivational interviewing. It makes your partner reflect on the conflict between what they truly want to change in their life and their current behavior and what they don’t.

THE ABC (DE) LOOP

Step D: DECIDE if this is a DEAL BREAKER or not.

Let Them. Not everyone wants to change. Sometimes in life, the most loving thing you can do is to stop fixing, start accepting, be more loving, and focus on what you can control. And what you can control is choosing to love someone as they are.