The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

Wait a minute, I can feel horrible and still do what I need to do? Yes, Mel, you can. And it worked.

Take action before hesitation kicks in. Here’s why it works: Counting backward requires focus and snaps you out of autopilot, giving you just enough of a push to get going. It helps you power through fear, doubt, or procrastination.

The 5 Second Rule taught me that action is the answer. Thinking about your problems will never solve them. Waiting around to feel like doing something means you’ll never do it. It taught me that no one is coming to save you. You must save yourself from yourself. You have to force yourself to make little moves forward, all day, every day, especially when you don’t feel like it.

The problem with waiting is no one is coming. The only permission you need is your own.

Learning how to push yourself to take action when you are afraid or full of self-doubt or overwhelmed with excuses is a life skill you can learn. Once you master it, you’ll understand that you can achieve anything through small, consistent moves forward.

high-fiving yourself in the mirror is one of the fastest ways to rewire your mindset for self-confidence?

My life didn’t change because of one thing that I did; it changed because of the thousands of mornings where I woke up and didn’t feel like getting out of bed, but I 5-4-3-2-1 made myself do it.

You’ll never feel ready to change your life. One day, you just get tired of your own excuses and force yourself to do it.

The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people. And yet, you live your life as if you can.

You live as though, if you say the right things, people will like you. If you keep taking on more work, your boss will respect you. If you act in the right way, and cater to what your mom wants, and also keep your friends happy, somehow you’ll find peace. You won’t.

You’ll quickly see how you’ve tied your happiness to other people’s behavior, opinions, and feelings. The result? You’ve unknowingly sabotaged your ability to be happier, healthier, and get what you want.

The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people.

When you stop obsessing over what other people think, say, or do, you finally have the energy to focus on your own life.

The truth is, other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them. Here’s why this works: When you stop trying to control things that aren’t yours to control, you stop wasting your energy. You reclaim your time, your peace of mind, and your focus. You realize that your happiness is tied to your actions, not someone else’s behavior, opinions, or mood.

Stop controlling it or judging it, or managing it, and LET THEM.

So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody else—a person you’re dating, a business partner, a family member—if they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.

We all have an innate desire to control everything about our lives: our time, our thoughts, our actions, our environment, our plans, our future, our decisions, and our surroundings. Feeling in control makes you feel comfortable and safe, so naturally you try to control everyone and everything around you—oftentimes, without even realizing it.

No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to control or change another person. The only person you are in control of is you. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings.

Trying to control people and situations doesn’t calm your fears. It amplifies them. Any psychologist will tell you, the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become.

By choosing how we respond—by not feeding anger, hatred, or negativity—we exercise the ultimate power over ourselves.

‘I refuse to let hatred reduce me.’

Mlk

I saw how often I blamed someone else for the fact that I was alone sitting on my couch. Or not making the money I wanted to make.

When you’re an adult, your life, happiness, health, healing, social life, friendships, boundaries, needs, and success are all your responsibility. If you’ve been secretly hoping someone else would come and rescue you, fix your problems, pay your bills, create a social life, heal your wounds, change into your dream partner, and motivate you to be your best . . . it’s not going to happen. No one is coming. And any time you spend blaming other people, or waiting for permission or an invitation, is wasted.

You’ll never reach the full potential of your life if you continue to allow stupid things or rude people to drain your life force.

The life you’ve always wanted is right in front of you, but you will never reach for it if your inner critic is constantly telling you not to. Stress is a major problem and it’s time you deal with it.

Focusing on what you can’t control makes you stressed. Focusing on what you can control makes you powerful.

When you let other people stress you out, you surrender your power to things that either don’t matter or are beyond your control. And it often spirals into other areas of your life for hours, weeks, and even years.

You are never stuck. That’s a lie you tell yourself. You can leave a job, a relationship, a living situation, a date, an interview, or a conversation anytime you want to.

Your career is your responsibility and you have more power here than you think. It’s time to start acting like it.

You have so much more power than you think. It’s time to start acting like it.

When you say Let Them, you stop trying to control what someone else is doing. When you say Let Me, you take responsibility for how you respond to it, which is not always obvious.

Professor Margaret Mead said: “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”

All it takes is one person to do the right thing. And if it bothers you enough, that person is you. Something can always be done. You can make a difference. And if it doesn’t matter enough for you to get involved, then stop complaining about it. It just stresses you out. And as you are learning, that’s dumb. Talk is cheap. If it really bothers you, dedicate some time and energy to changing it.

Poet Mary Oliver asked this question in her poem “The Summer Day”: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

The truth is, people will have negative opinions about you and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change this fact. When you allow your fear of what other people think to stop you from doing what you want to do, you become a prisoner to other people’s opinions. This fear impacts every aspect of your life. It makes you procrastinate. It makes you doubt yourself. It paralyzes you with perfectionism. It’s the reason you overthink.

It’s time to give people the freedom to think what they want. Let Them. It’s time to set yourself free and Let Me make the small moves boldly and unapologetically that over time will transform your entire life.

What if you gave yourself permission to live your life, and you gave other people permission to think whatever they want about it? What if you pour your time and energy into your hobbies, your habits, your happiness?

Every time you edit what you post, or stay silent in class or at work, or hide in the back of the group photo, you are engaging in self-rejection. You’re the one telling yourself that you’re not good enough.

The constant questioning, editing, deleting, overthinking, and asking other people, “Does this look good?” only magnifies your self-doubt. And you want to know the crazy part? You’re doing it to yourself. I did too.

Instead of fearing other people’s opinions, you are just going to allow them to think what they want. In fact, I recommend that you assume people will think negative thoughts about you. Because people do have negative thoughts about you.

Instead of wasting your time worrying about them, start living your life in a way that makes you proud of yourself. Let Me do what I want to do with my one wild and precious life.

When you let the fear of what people might think dictate your choices, you limit your potential and hold yourself back from pursuing what you truly want.

The more you use the Let Them Theory, the more you’ll realize that, underneath this fear, your soul has been nudging you all along in the direction that is meant for you.

Every time you say Let Them, you clear all of the noise and distraction on the surface and create space for something deeper: your voice, your intuition, your truth, and your unique path in life.

As you use the Let Them Theory to free yourself of the burden of other people’s opinions, you’ll begin moving through life with your values, your needs, and your goals as your road map. Instead of anticipating what other people might think, you’ll navigate your life in a way that makes you proud of yourself. And that right there is the secret. When YOU are proud of yourself, you hold all the power.

even when you bend over backward and try to please everyone, and make it work, even THAT won’t guarantee that other people will think a positive thought. Let Them.

don’t be the person who bends over backward to make everyone happy. I used to be that person. It left me depleted and feeling like nothing I could do was ever good enough.

Someone is always going to be disappointed by the decisions that you make. Don’t ever let it be you that’s disappointed. And don’t let guilt drive your decisions.

when you give people the space to come to their own conclusions—and you focus on showing up as your full self in a loving and compassionate way—over time, people often change their opinions on their own.

Anytime you improve yourself, it improves all your relationships. And this is particularly true with family.