The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

I was the one who kept myself from connecting with the community that was right there around me. By isolating and separating myself, I had closed myself off to the community that was waiting for me.

Instead of sitting around hoping that someone else starts a hiking group, or a walking club, or a book club, you go first.

Stop trying to motivate people. It doesn’t work. Based on the research, the motivation to change must come from within the other person.

one of her findings is groundbreaking: that people believe that warning labels, threats, and known risks do not apply to them. That’s why my friend’s husband thinks he’s the only person on the planet who can be overweight and sedentary and never have a heart attack. It’s why he can convince himself that he can stay exactly the same, and nothing bad will happen.

all those threats, worst-case scenarios, passive-aggressive comments, eye rolls, and scare tactics aren’t even registering in the other person’s brain. You are wasting your time, your words, and your breath.

Feeling like you’re in control of your life is what makes you feel safe. Feeling in control is what makes everyone else in your life feel safe too.

The people that you love only feel safe when they feel in control of their own life. So when you start to push people around, pressure them, or tell them what to do, you are threatening their hardwired need for control over their own lives, decisions, and actions.

Model the behavior change you want to see and walk the talk you’ve been asking for.

People do well when they can. Not when they want to do well, but when they can.

As much as you may love someone and believe in them and would do anything in the world to make their pain go away, you cannot want someone else’s sobriety, healing, or health more than they do.

learned that the only way somebody gets stronger is by facing the things they feel too weak to face.

The first step to changing your life is taking responsibility for the fact that your life isn’t working.

Ask yourself, How can I create an environment that makes change and getting better easier?

Even the best relationships can become more meaningful and your connection to someone can always go deeper.

People’s behavior tells the truth about how they feel about you.

In your love life, you can fall into the trap of letting other people—and their own traumas and issues—make you compromise your standards and settle for far less than what you truly want and know you need.

The fact is, the best relationships grow and change over time—and changing how you show up will create connection and the loving partnership you truly deserve.

It takes confidence to remind yourself that texting you is easy—but if they truly wanted to see you, they would be making plans.

You weren’t put on the earth to be somebody’s wife or husband. You are here to fulfill your dreams, share your story, and create a big, beautiful, amazing life.

No one else is going to create that life for you. The person you choose to love gets to share that life with you.

When you’re dating, have fun and meet a ton of people, but never forget the bigger picture: that you’re looking for someone who is capable of helping you become your best ...

People’s behavior tells you exactly how they feel about you.

Your job isn’t to interpret it or second-guess it. Your job is to let people reveal who they are and how they truly feel about you and accept it. And by the way, this is true at every stage of a relationship.

There’s that famous saying, “If someone likes you, you’ll know, and if they don’t, you’ll be confused.”

The only way you learn who someone is and where you stand in their life is by watching their behavior.

If you’re making excuses for someone else’s behavior . . . stop. Let Them reveal who they truly are. Let Them reveal whether or not they make an effort. Let Them reveal whether or not they care.

You must let their behavior be the clear message. Letting Them is the easy part. Let Me is the hard part, because you don’t want to see the truth. Let Me see them for who they are. Let Me accept the truth in their behavior—I am not a priority.

If you truly want to fix this and create the healthy, loving relationship you’ve always dreamt about, you must be willing to be single for the next year and focus on figuring out how to be happy by yourself and to heal.

A real conversation only destroys something that is fake.

every couple that has made a relationship work has had two important things present: First, they both wanted the relationship to work. And they were both willing to do the work to make it better. Second, the issues that created problems did not require either person to give up their dreams or compromise their values.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s research says that if you are constantly fighting about the same stuff and going around and around, it’s probably because of a profound difference between your and your partner’s personalities and your deepest hopes and dreams.

I assure you every single couple has faced some really dark and scary times in their relationships. And for the couples who chose to lean in and work together through their issues, struggles, and challenges, not a single one of them regrets it.

This isn’t about waiting for the right partner, the right friend, or the right opportunity to come along. It’s about recognizing that you are the source of your own happiness, your own fulfillment, and your own joy. When you truly embrace that, everything else falls into place.

remember this: You are the love of your life. And the life you create—full of meaningful relationships, joy, and fulfillment—begins with how you choose to love yourself. Let Me.

The truth is simple: YOU hold the power. And YOU are the one who has been giving it away.

You’ve been trying to control the uncontrollable, trying to force the world to conform to your expectations. But what if, instead, you focused on your own response to whatever the world throws your way?

Favorite message

You can’t change the weather. But you can change how it impacts you. No matter what happens around you, you decide how it will affect you.

The sky will do what it does—clouds will gather, storms will come, and the sun will shine when it pleases. You can’t control it, but you can control how you navigate beneath it. You can carry an umbrella; you can

dance in the rain; you can chase the sun when you need to.

The people and situations around you are like the weather. The fact is, you can never control other people—how they think, how they act, whether or not they love you, or how fast they check you out at the grocery store. So why on earth would you...

Why would you ever entrust something as precious as your confidence, your peace of mind, your...

to the whims and moods of the peopl...

Stop wasting your brain space on the million tiny things that don’t matter. It’s time to use every second of your day for all the amazing things you know you’re capable of.

Stop letting the fear of what people might think paralyze you. It’s time to go after your dreams boldly, relentlessly, and unapologetically.

Stop letting other people’s success devastate you. It’s time to get to work. Stop making your social life everyone else’s responsibility. It’s time to build the most incredible friendships you’ve ever had.

The most important part of the Let Them Theory is understanding that you are responsible for your own happiness. You are responsible for the energy you bring and how you show up. You are responsible for waking up every day and doing the work to make progress on what matters. You are responsible for defining what matters to you. You are responsible for telling the truth even when it’s really hard. You are responsible for paying for your life. Nobody owes you anything, but you owe yourself everything.

You’ve wasted so many years being so consumed with other people, their feelings, their thoughts, and what they’re doing. So let this book be your wake-up call: You are in charge.

Think of the sky once more. No matter what it brings, no matter how it changes, you are the one who gets to decide how to navigate beneath it. You are the one who gets to choose how to respond, how to act, how to live.