The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves. Most people haven’t gone to therapy, haven’t looked at their issues, and they don’t want to.

the fact is, most human beings have never done the work to understand themselves, heal their past, or manage their own emotions. If they haven’t done that for themselves, they are incapable of doing that for you and showing up in a way that you deserve.

You are giving other people’s opinions too much power. When you let the fear of what people might think dictate your choices, you limit your potential and hold yourself back from pursuing what you truly want. This fear causes you to procrastinate, doubt yourself, become paralyzed by perfectionism, and, most importantly, give up on your dreams.

People will have negative opinions about you no matter what you do. It will happen. Let Them. You can’t control it. Allowing someone else’s opinion to distract or consume you is a waste of your time and energy.

When someone gives you the silent treatment, it all stems from their inability to understand their emotions or past demons.

“hoping someone will change is what keeps you trapped in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature or worse, emotionally abusive.”

When you feel your emotions rising up, Let Them. Allow the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the disappointment, the sadness, the grief, the tears, and the feelings of failure to come up. Let Them. And then, Let Me not react. Don’t reach for your phone. Don’t turn on the TV. Don’t make a drink. Don’t open the fridge. And for crying out loud, don’t text anyone. Just notice the feelings and Let Them rise up.

It’s not your job to protect everybody else from feeling emotions. Your job and responsibility is to live your life in a way that is aligned with your values and what you know deep down is true for you.

something that every single person on this planet struggles with: Allowing other people’s success to paralyze you. The reality is, you can’t control another person’s success, luck, or timing in life. The only thing you can control is what you do with the examples other people set and the actions you take next.

When you see other people’s lives as evidence that you’re a failure, or you’re unattractive, or not good enough, you become your biggest obstacle.

Mindlessly scrolling on social media or feeling inferior to someone else makes you feel stuck, hopeless, and perpetually behind. You are torturing yourself for no reason. You’re letting other people paralyze...

When you focus on how unfair life seems and compare yourself to others, you’re draining your motivation and keeping yourself from moving forward. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are failin...

while you’ve been busy comparing yourself to everyone else, you’ve missed one of the greatest secrets in life: Other people teach you how to be a better player, and that’s how you win.

The hand you’ve been dealt may not feel fair. But it’s still yours. And what you choose to do with it? That’s where your power is. Winning the game of life requires you to focus on the cards you have and choosing what to do with them.

the body, the bank account, a loving relationship, perfect health, the car, the trust fund, the safety, the discipline, the friend group

And all of these things can be achieved with a growth mindset one small step at a time.

ask yourself: What are you doing when you compare? Are you torturing yourself, or is it teaching you something important?

there are two different types of comparison that people engage in: torture or teacher.

It’s critical that you understand the difference between things you can and cannot change, because comparing yourself to someone or some aspect of their life that you cannot change, no matter how much you try, is just torturing you.

any time you spend obsessing over a fixed aspect of someone else’s life versus your own is an act of self-torture. It is useless for your growth and detrimental to your happiness. If you can’t change it, you must learn to allow it. Let Them.

Someone will always seem to have better cards than you, and comparing your hand to theirs will always make you lose. Stop focusing on the other players; that’s not how you win the game of life. Learn to play with other players, not against them.

Let Them live their life. Let Me focus on mine.

here’s how you know that comparison is good: You’re looking at aspects of someone else’s life or success that you could create for yourself. With time and consistent effort, these aspects of your life, career, or health could be changed.

The fact is, 95 percent of the things that you want in life are things that you can create if you are willing to work hard, be consistent, disciplined, and patient. Very little about your life is fixed in stone.

Whatever it is that you want, someone else can give you the formula. Let Them lead the way.

comparison can become the reason why you doubt yourself, procrastinate, and continue to stay stuck.

You’re capable of achieving the same success, but instead of working to create it, you’re actively arguing against what you want. This is an example of how you’ve turned other people into a problem, and they don’t need to be.

There is enough happiness, success, friendship, and money to go around for absolutely everyone including ...

No one is taking anything from you. Happiness, success, and money are waiting for you to get serious about creating them. I will say this aga...

the steps you need to take are always very simple. The problem is not doing them.

Jealousy is an invitation from your future self. It is inviting you to look more closely at someone else—not to make you feel inferior, but to show you what is possible.

other people are never going to stop you from achieving what’s meant for you. They can’t. Only you can stop yourself from achieving it.

Other people show you what’s possible. When you see comparison as a teacher, you’ll realize other people aren’t taking anything from you; they are giving something to you. Other people have this beautiful capacity to show you pieces of your future that you cannot fully see for yourself yet. They show you possibilities that you didn’t realize existed or told yourself you are incapable of achieving.

Whoever or whatever is making you jealous, GOOD. Their success and their wins don’t shrink your chances of creating what you want. They expand it. Let Them lead the way. Flip your jealousy to inspiration.

It’s a phrase my buddy bestselling author Jeff Walker always says: “Success is about putting in the reps.” What’s that mean? Simple: To be successful, to lose weight, to write a book, or to become a YouTuber, you have to show up every day and do the boring, irritating, and uncomfortable work. You’ve got to put in the reps.

Tom Brady recently said about success, “The truth is you don’t have to be special. You just have to be what most people aren’t: consistent, determined, and willing to work for it.”

They aren’t special; they’ve just been what you aren’t: consistent, determined, and willing to work for it.

She knew in her heart that she needed to start prioritizing this several years ago. Part of the reason it’s so painful right now is that she’s seeing the fruits of someone else’s efforts. This will keep happening if you don’t start to move on the things that you want.

Because when the people that you know do it, it means that you can’t make excuses for why you can’t.

if you’re serious about being successful or healthy or achieving your goals, you have no time to be upset, and you cannot afford to waste your energy being jealous. You need that energy, because you have work to do.

You have a beautiful and amazing life to live. You have potential beyond your imagination. You are not limited by where you live, or the circumstances you are facing, or the aspects of your life that you believe are limitations.

If you can be honest with yourself about what you truly want, and take responsibility for creating it, you will. You don’t have to be special. You just have to get up every day, put one foot in front of the other, and work hard to do a little better, and be a little better than you were yesterday. And one of these days, you are going to wake up and realize that you not only changed yourself, but you are in the middle of living the life you were once jealous of.

Problem: When you focus on how unfair life seems and compare yourself to others, you waste your precious time and energy on things beyond your control. You let others’ success paralyze you, leaving you stuck, and feeling behind and frustrated. This mindset fuels procrastination and perfectionism, preventing you from taking action to create your own success.

Using the Let Them Theory, stop torturing yourself and use comparison to your advantage. Let others have their success and leverage it to fuel your own journey. Other people’s success is evidence that you can do it too. By turning inspiration into action, you begin to build the extraordinary life you deserve.

It’s easier to blame someone else, and sit in your anger, than it is to take responsibility for yourself.

Let Them will help you be flexible, be compassionate, and allow people to come and go. Let Me will remind you to stop sitting around expecting invitations or assuming ill intent. It will motivate you to take the lead on reaching out to old friends and put yourself out there to create new ones.

It’s never too late because everyone wants and needs friendship in their life. Even if people already have their “friend group,” there is always room for someone you truly click with. All you have to do is go first.

Simply knowing all the names of the familiar faces around you will make you feel more connected to where you live. Plus, the more people you meet, the faster you will find the people you truly connect with.

1. Compliment people everywhere you go. If you love their nail color, tell them. If you love their outfit, tell them. If you like their socks, say it! People love to be complimented because they feel seen and appreciated. And it’s a foolproof way to break the ice with someone without feeling weird. 2. Be curious. Ask them what they’re reading. Ask them what they ordered. People love to talk about themselves. And even if it doesn’t go any further than the other person saying thank you, you get points for being the one who goes first. 3. Smile and say hello to anyone and everyone you pass or meet. Being a warm and approachable person is a skill. If you practice it, it becomes a way of life. When you move through life with a welcoming spirit, life opens up to you.

Do this without expectation.

The reason to be warm to strangers is because simply creating connections with other people will improve your life. The warmth you give to o...