The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

Thinking about your problems will never solve them. Waiting around to feel like doing something means you’ll never do it. It taught me that no one is coming to save you. You must save yourself from yourself. You have to force yourself to make little moves forward, all day, every day, especially when you don’t feel like it.

Maybe you’re doing that right now. Waiting for the right time. Waiting to feel ready or a little less afraid. Waiting for someone to come along and tell you that today is the day to start. The problem with waiting is no one is coming. The only permission you need is your own.

Learning how to push yourself to take action when you are afraid or full of self-doubt or overwhelmed with excuses is a life skill you can learn. Once you master it, you’ll understand that you can achieve anything through small, consistent moves forward.

This is very true. Kaizen, as the Japanese say.

The Let Them Theory will teach you that the more you let other people live their lives, the better your life gets.

The time that you have with the people that you love is like a melting ice cube.

So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody else—a person you’re dating, a business partner, a family member—if they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.

No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to control or change another person. The only person you are in control of is you. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings.

I’m a fixer by nature. I’ve spent most of my life believing that if I didn’t step in, if I didn’t manage the situation, things would fall apart.

Trying to control people and situations doesn’t calm your fears. It amplifies them. Any psychologist will tell you, the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become.

In Stoicism, the focus is on controlling your own thoughts and actions—not the thoughts or actions of others.

Buddhism and Radical Acceptance teach that suffering comes from resisting reality.

‘Let them’ doesn’t mean giving away control; it means reclaiming it.

You always have power, no matter what is happening around you.

You’re releasing that grip you have on how things should go and allowing them to unfold the way they will go. You’re freeing yourself.

The question is, why do you want to be with someone who does this to you? You don’t. Don’t waste your energy chasing someone who’s already left.

There is a second, critical part to the theory—Let Me.

Let Me makes you realize that you are in control of what happens next and that life is more fun and fulfilling when you’re not sitting alone in your superiority.

Let Me be honest with myself: Have I been doing my part? When I stopped to ask myself that question, the answer was no.

If you want more fun, you should get your butt off the couch and create a great social life (talking to myself here too).

this book is specifically focused on how you apply the theory in adult relationships.

When you’re an adult, your life, happiness, health, healing, social life, friendships, boundaries, needs, and success are all your responsibility.

No one is coming.

You’ll never reach the full potential of your life if you continue to allow stupid things or rude people to drain your life force.

Epictetus, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”

You’ll never get that project done this weekend if you keep procrastinating because of stress.

Focusing on what you can control makes you powerful.

learning to protect your energy will improve your mood, mindset, health, focus, and ability to disconnect and unplug.

So if you’re in a situation where you’ve put in the effort, you have had the conversation, you’ve asked for the salary increase, you’ve hit your numbers, and you still are waiting for that promotion or title change or new desk and it’s just not coming, you have to stop being mad and choose what you’re going to do about it.

There is always a next move.

Stop fixating on your current situation, and start focusing on finding a better opportunity. Right now there’s an amazing job with a kickass boss, a better salary, and a desk next to a window waiting for you to come find it.

You can act like a toddler and call your boss every name in the book, but the harsh truth is that you’re the one to blame—because you are choosing to stay in a job that makes you miserable.

Create the change you want to see.

The civil rights movement taught us that responding with love and dignity, even in the face of injustice, is not surrender—it is strength.

Using the Let Them Theory, you protect yourself from the stress other people have been causing you. Your power is in controlling your response to the other person’s behavior, to the annoying situation, and to the emotions that you feel.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

When you allow your fear of what other people think to stop you from doing what you want to do, you become a prisoner to other people's opinions.

It’s time to set yourself free and Let Me make the small moves boldly and unapologetically that over time will transform your entire life.

The more you Let Them think what they want, the better your life gets.

What if you gave yourself permission to live your life, and you gave other people permission to think whatever they want about it? What if you pour your time and energy into your hobbies, your habits, your happiness?

I had never posted anything about my desire to become a motivational speaker or the fact that I had been doing it for free for over a year.

Talk about giving your power away.

And yet I’m sure you struggle with the same fear when it comes to “putting yourself out there.”

You’re afraid of what other people will think if they see the real you.

you are engaging in self-rejection. You’re the one telling yourself that you’re not good enough.

The fact is, it is impossible to control someone else’s thoughts. Therefore, fearing what other people think, or trying to control their thoughts, is a complete waste of your time.

Adults will have negative opinions about you—no matter what you do. Why? Because adults are allowed to think whatever they want.

Let Them judge. Let Them react. Let Them doubt you.

Let Me do what I want to do with my one wild and precious life.

You are so afraid of judgment, you don’t take any risks at all. Isn’t that what you are afraid of? That you’ll be judged?

This stupid fear is stopping you from trying new things, taking risks, being yourself, and making the small moves that, over time, will change your life. How sad.