The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

So Let Them sit on the couch.

Dr. Sharot explained that brain scans show that when someone is telling you something negative (“I’ll leave if you don’t stop drinking”) or something you don’t want to hear (“That dude you’re dating is a narcissist”), your brain literally tunes it out.

When you try to exert control over someone else’s behavior, they instinctively resist your attempt to try to control them.

Acceptance of another person, as they are, is the foundation of a healthy and loving relationship. When someone feels that you accept them as they are, they feel safe with you.

Dr. K couldn’t emphasize enough that it needs to be THEIR idea to change, not yours.

It is a waste of your time. It is stressing you out. It is ruining your relationship. It is not working. And most importantly, it is driving a wedge between the two of you. Loving people means that you have to meet them where they are. You must learn how to let adults be adults. This is why the Let Them Theory is so effective.

Decades of research from neuroscientists and psychologists say that you can’t motivate someone to change, but you can “inspire” them to change and even make them believe it was all their idea to do so.

If you see something working positively for someone else, it often makes you feel interested in it too.

Model the behavior change you want to see and walk the talk you’ve been asking for. If you have ANY shot at influencing them to move toward the behavior or change you want them to make, you need to show them how easy it is. You can’t ask someone else to eat healthier while you’re raving about the croissant you just ate. But you can influence them if you’re always eating healthy meals yourself and raving about how good it tastes.

You can’t ask someone to stop looking at their phone when you’ve got your phone in your hand. But you can influence them by keeping your phone in a different room and modeling better boundaries with your devices.

If you are seeing them change, amazing. If not, Let Them be.

We are wired to move toward what feels pleasurable, easy, and fun.

The Let Them Theory encourages you to accept others, focus on your own growth, and inspire change through positive influence instead of pressure.

Not everyone is ready to get better, be sober, do the work, use their tools, or face their issues. And not everybody can.

Allowing someone to face the natural consequences of their actions is a necessary part of healing.

The more you try to rescue someone from their problems, the more likely they will continue to drown in them.

Allowing other adults to face and feel the natural consequences of their actions is one of the most important steps of healing.

Let Me accept the fact that they are not ready to change.

I once heard an addiction specialist say that no one gets sober until being drunk is more painful than facing the thing you are running from.

In other words, if it’s easier to avoid the problem, they will never face it.

Your loved one is going to avoid situations, conversations, or behavior changes that feel hard.

If someone learns that they are too weak to face their struggles, they will never experience what is truly possible.

If you want independence, prove it and start being financially independent for real.

There is a lot of research about the role that your physical environment plays in your mental, spiritual, and physical health.

You get to choose who is worth your time and energy, and you get to choose how you want to be treated.

You are either a priority, or you are not. There is no middle ground.

One of the most important signs of a healthy relationship is that it is mutual. Mutual effort. Mutual respect. Mutual feelings. Mutual attraction. Mutual interest.

Let Me accept the truth in their behavior—I am not a priority.

Never feel bad about asking for what you deserve.

“Are these table scraps what you’re willing to accept, or are you looking for a five star meal?”

Can you accept this person exactly as they are, and exactly where they are, and still love them?

“Fuck the Let Them Theory. What am I supposed to do. . . just Let Him walk out the door? Just Let Him break up with me? Just Let Him sleep with other people? Let Him fall in love with someone else? I hate that advice.”

The Let Them Theory has taught you how to let others be who they are, and how to reclaim your power by choosing how you show

The Let Them Theory empowers you to recognize your worth, let go of those who don’t treat you well, and focus on finding someone who truly deserves you.

In fact, it’s the variety, the unpredictability, that makes it truly magnificent. The storms highlight the calm; the clouds make the sun more precious. The same is true for your life.

I’m sorry to break it to you, but that is a cop-out. There is no difference between you and the people you see achieving extraordinary things. They aren’t special. But there’s one thing for sure they’ve figured out: They don’t let the world around them derail their dreams. They’ve learned to navigate the sky, to accept the weather as it comes, and to keep moving toward their goals no matter what.

Stop letting the fear of what people might think paralyze you. It’s time to go after your dreams boldly, relentlessly, and unapologetically.

You’ve wasted so many years being so consumed with other people, their feelings, their thoughts, and what they’re doing. So let this book be your wake-up call: You are in charge.