The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

Instead of living your life on the defense, you’re going to get on the offense.

The point here is not to move through life as a selfish or narcissistic person who doesn’t care about other people.

even when you bend over backward and try to please everyone, and make it work, even THAT won’t guarantee that other people will think a positive thought. Let Them.

don’t be the person who bends over backward to make everyone happy. I used to be that person. It left me depleted and feeling like nothing I could do was ever good enough.

From their lived experience, or Frame of Reference, they believe their opinion is right. From your lived experience, or Frame of Reference, you know your opinion is right. With the Let Them Theory, there is space, with acceptance and understanding, for both of our opinions to be true. There is space for a deeper connection, honesty, and love.

Because the truth is: You have limited time with your loved ones. At some point, you’re going to realize that your parents aren’t going to be here forever, and that this was their first time as a human being too.

The only person you can change is you.

And it might mean separating yourself because you no longer are willing to accept less than you deserve.

People will have negative opinions about you no matter what you do. It will happen. Let Them. You can’t control it. Allowing someone else’s opinion to distract or consume you is a waste of your time and energy.

You get one wild and precious life, so go live it in a way that makes you proud.

Most people don’t know how to process their emotions in a healthy way, much less communicate their needs in a direct and respectful fashion.

It’s because adults, at their core, are just as emotional as children.

I grew up in a family where we didn’t talk about our feelings.

“hoping someone will change is what keeps you trapped in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature or worse, emotionally abusive.”

Let Me be the mature, wise, and loving adult in this situation.

When you recognize that you are dealing with someone who has a lot of internal work to do, you can draw healthier boundaries around the amount of time and energy you are willing to give to them.

I say this because whenever I do or say something I later regret, there is usually stress, alcohol, or hunger involved.

The truth is: Life isn’t fair. But at some point, you’ve got to wake up, accept that fact, and stop obsessing over what other people have, what they look like, and what they’ve achieved.

It’s not fair that you’re drowning in student debt because you couldn’t afford the tuition.

It’s not fair that your friend has a nice house or apartment because their parents paid for it.

Upward comparison is this tendency to measure yourself against people and their attributes that you think are better than yours. Research shows it destroys your self-esteem.

You rarely engage in downward comparison, which is looking around and seeing how much better off you are than the majority of people in the world. According to the U.N., one in four people do not have access to clean drinking water.

Psychologists will tell you that the root cause of many disorders is an obsessive need for control.

What I’ve found is that being happier requires you to allow yourself to be happier.

And here’s how you know that comparison is good: You’re looking at aspects of someone else’s life or success that you could create for yourself.

“Success is about putting in the reps.”

The famous quarterback Tom Brady recently said about success, “The truth is you don’t have to be special. You just have to be what most people aren’t: consistent, determined, and willing to work for it.”

This is where you go from trying to control what everyone else thinks, feels, and does, and you take your time and your energy and use it to create the best chapter of your life.

If you want a house that has queen bunk beds and a renovated kitchen, it is your responsibility to work for it.

I am not special. I just did what I was unwilling to do before. I got consistent, determined, and willing to work for what I wanted. I started putting in the reps.

The Let Them Theory teaches you to let others have their success and use it as inspiration to build the life you want.

You can’t control the success of others, but you can control how you respond to it.

the more you grow in your life, the more people will come in and out of your life. Let Them.

It’s still deeply painful and personal to talk about even now, and I take full responsibility for my lack of maturity and toxic behavior.

At some point, you’re going to go from being on the inside of a friend group to feeling like you’re on the outside. This is normal.

Let Them be distant.

Make it a habit to just cheer for people and wish them the best.

Let Me be the first to introduce myself. Let Me be the first to say, “I’m new here. How long have you lived here?” Let Me be the first to say, “If you ever want to go for a walk, let me know. Here is my number.”

Being a warm and approachable person is a skill. If you practice it, it becomes a way of life. When you move through life with a welcoming spirit, life opens up to you

The warmth you give to others always finds its way back to you.

And finally, give it a year.

Instead of sitting around hoping that someone else starts a hiking group, or a walking club, or a book club, you go first.

Let Them will help you be more flexible, not take things personally, and allow the right people to come in, and let the wrong people to leave.

Let Me call or text if someone crosses my mind.

Using the Let Them Theory, start creating connections without any expectations. You go first.

If someone doesn’t feel like changing, they won’t. And worse, when you pressure someone to change it just creates more tension, resentment, and distance in your relationships.

Now, to his credit, he’s tried.

Minimally

The most loving thing you can do is to stop pressuring them and Let Them be. Right now, you have a completely unrealistic expectation and an approach that is backfiring. You have no other choice but to Let Them. Let adults be adults.

If motivation were automatic, everyone would have six-pack abs, a million dollars in the bank, and the world’s best side hustle.

When you pressure someone, you’re fighting against the wiring of the human brain. People are wired to move toward what feels easy and pleasurable now.