The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

You are going to have to be willing to face the consequences. They are going to hate you.

Let Them struggle. Let Them violate the terms of your support. And then, Let Me cut them off financially.

The first step to changing your life is taking responsibility for the fact that your life isn’t working. That’s why you need to let the people that you love face reality, not help them run from it.

No one asked me, “What help do you need?” No one asked me, “Do you want me to do the laundry?” No one asked me, “Do you want me to drop off dinner tonight?” They just did it. And that is an important note about people who are struggling. Let Them doesn’t mean leave them alone.

When you are struggling, you don’t know what you want or what you need.

When you’re struggling, you don’t want to burden anyone else, because you already feel like a burden.

In your love life, you can fall into the trap of letting other people—and their own traumas and issues—make you compromise your standards and settle for far less than what you truly want and know you need. When the heart is involved, logic goes out the window. You can find yourself explaining away bad behavior or creating a fantasy in your head instead of accepting reality. You can also convince yourself to stay in a relationship that isn’t working because it feels better than breaking up and facing the unknown.

Finding love is more about saying no than it is about saying yes. When you have high standards for yourself and the kind of relationship you want, dating becomes a process of elimination. The Let Them Theory will keep you honest with yourself, and it will give you the courage to let other people reveal who they are while you stay true to yourself. When you are brave enough to be yourself, you are in control—because you’re the one who is choosing who gets your time and energy, and who doesn’t. That is where your power lies. It also takes bravery to see that someone’s not interested in you.

you don’t understand the true purpose of it. It’s not just to find “the one.” Dating helps you learn more about yourself and what you want and don’t want, one person at a time.

One of the most important lessons is learning what kind of behavior you will not accept, and what kind of person you truly want to be in a relationship with.

a fact: People’s behavior tells you exactly how they feel about you.

“If someone likes you, you’ll know, and if they don’t, you’ll be confused.” Feeling confused is a very dangerous place to be when you’re dating because if you like them, your knee-jerk reaction will be to convince yourself

Stop chasing the potential of who someone might be. Stop pouring your time and energy into people who do not give it back to you. Stop explaining away their disrespectful behavior.

The Let Them Theory will be revolutionary when it comes to finding the love you deserve, because it forces you to be brutally honest about the situation that you’re in, and who you’re dealing with, and how they actually feel about you.

Mixed signals aren’t “mixed” at all. They send a very clear message that you are not a priority; you’re a convenience.

One of the most important signs of a healthy relationship is that it is mutual. Mutual effort. Mutual respect. Mutual feelings. Mutual attraction. Mutual interest.

It’s easy to think someone will love you if you change just a little bit

If they like you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused.

Let Me accept the truth in their behavior—I am not a priority. Stop choosing to chase people who clearly do not want to be with you.

First, you have to ask yourself, Is this a pattern of mine to chase people who won’t commit? Or is this just an issue with this one person?

The eight-year study showed that people tend to repeat patterns, bring the same dynamics to new experiences, and avoid addressing their own issues.

You deserve an incredible love story, but you will not create it until you figure out the root cause of why you keep choosing people who are not healthy or won’t commit to you.

Matthew Hussey, a New York Times bestselling author who has been helping people for more than 17 years to feel more confident and in control of their relationships. His YouTube channel is #1 in the world for love advice, with over half a billion views.

the #1 mistake that people make when they are trying to take something to the next level is focusing on the other person, rather than focusing on the value of their time and what they want in life.

It’s important to not walk into this with any expectation that the person is going to be wanting the same thing that you do. You’re seeking clarification because you’ve gotten to a point where you know that if this isn’t going anywhere, it’s no longer worth your time.

Why do you want to be with somebody that won’t commit to you? Why do you want to be with somebody that doesn’t want the same things that you want?

One topic that kept coming up when I was researching this book was how to know when the issues you are facing in a relationship are something that you can resolve versus something that you need to accept.

Having been married for almost 30 years, I can tell you that mutual give and take and compromise are critical to a successful relationship. No one is perfect, no relationship is perfect, and every relationship changes with time.

every couple that has made a relationship work has had two important things present: First, they both wanted the relationship to work. And they were both willing to do the work to make it better. Second, the issues that created problems did not require either person to give up their dreams or compromise their values.

Love the Person, Not Their Potential Anytime you find yourself questioning whether or not this is the right relationship for you, ask yourself: Can you accept this person exactly as they are, and exactly where they are, and still love them?

Or do you love who they once were or who you wish they would become? Even if there are specific things that bother you, in the end they might not be deal breakers. They may be things you have to learn to accept, and that’s just work you’re going to have to do to make this relationship thrive. Let Them.

Can you still love them despite all these things? Because, the reality of it is. . . they may never change. And here is the other thing, they probably won’t. Remember one of the fundamental takeaways from this book: People only do what they feel like doing. Yes, you can influence them. But if you keep wanting them to change, and they don’t, it not only weakens your love. It creates resentment.

What I have noticed with couples is that the longer you are together, the more you want your partner to be like you. That’s not fair. So be honest with yourself. Do you want them to be just like you, or is it that one of your fundamental needs in the relationship is not being met?

Either stop trying to make them like you, and accept them as they are, or have the productive and loving conversation about what you need and why this is bothering you.

One of the hardest parts about waiting, and just letting them be, is that moment when your loved ones complain about the natural consequences of their behavior.

When that happens, your tendency is to want to reassure someone. Don’t do it. Let their complaint hang in the air. Don’t respond. Let Them sit with it. Say nothing. Let Them experience their feelings. Let the silence do the work for you. Let Them feel the consequences of their actions.

Step D: DECIDE if this is a DEAL BREAKER or not.

Doing it for you is not enough. It’s not a priority of theirs, or maybe there is something deeper going on, and they are not capable of changing. Or maybe they are just the way they are, and that’s okay. Their behavior is their answer and they have made it clear. Let Them. Not everyone wants to change. Sometimes in life, the most loving thing you can do is to stop fixing, start accepting, be more loving, and focus on what you can control. And what you can control is choosing to love someone as they are.

Step E: END your bitching or END the relationship. You are at the point where they are not changing. You are in a standoff on the issue and you can either live with this or you can’t. You have to choose to end your bitching or end the relationship.

If you’re going to choose them, you owe it to them and to yourself to choose them exactly as they are.

At the same time, as you let go of the surface-level stuff that is never going to change, you’ll probably start to see the deeper things you have been taking for granted.

You demonstrate through your behavior that you do love them as they are. You lead with kindness and consideration.

Earlier, I asked you the question: Could you be with this person for the rest of your life if they never, ever change? And what if your answer is “I don’t know” or “no”? If you can’t truly end your bitching, then you can’t accept the other person and love them as they are. That’s not a very kind and loving thing to do.

She knows that to make the relationship work, she has to work harder at accepting him and changing how she shows up in the relationship. She needs to bring more compassion and kindness to their dynamic. She can keep trying to influence him, but the expectations have to go, along with any complaining.

And because he’s not changing who he is, she needs to change who she has been in order for this relationship to be better.

There’s a difference between being committed to someone, and being compatible with them.

Am I willing to compromise to be in this relationship? The fact is, 69 percent of the problems in your relationship are not resolvable. This statistic comes from 40 years of scientific research conducted by Drs. John and Julie Gottman,

They’ve found that the #1 issue that couples fight about is things that will never change: Like how someone runs late, or isn’t as ambitious as you would like,

or they are a homebody,

That’s why it is on you to figure out what you value at the deepest level. Is this something you can compromise on if your partner won’t?