The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

Pressure doesn’t create change—it creates resistance to it. When you try to exert control over someone else’s behavior, they instinctively resist your attempt to try to control them.

control of your life is what makes you feel safe.

when you start to push people around, pressure them, or tell them what to do, you are threatening their hardwired need for control over their own lives, decisions, and actions. You’re getting in the way of their agency, the feeling that they are in control of themselves, their life, and their own thoughts and behaviors.

By hinting to someone that “it’s a nice day for a run outside” when someone doesn’t feel like going for a run, you just threatened them. Your suggestion—no matter how helpful you may mean for it to be—feels like you’re trying to take away their right to be their own person who does what they want, when they want.

Acceptance of another person, as they are, is the foundation of a healthy and loving relationship. When someone feels that you accept them as they are, they feel safe with you. The opposite happens when you pressure, change, criticize, push, or expect someone to behave differently than they are. This pressure puts you and your loved one in a battle for control, whether or not you realize it.

Feeling your pressure is painful, which is why they are moving away from you.

No one wants to feel pressured by their friends, family, or loved ones. What you want is unconditional love, acceptance, kindness, and compassion. You don’t want to be controlled; you want to feel deeply accepted for who you are, and where you are in your life. That’s what allows you to truly be yourself and feel safe in your relationships.

Change is hard for everyone. And it’s even harder when you have someone breathing down your neck, and you not only have to deal with their pressure, but you’ll also have to admit that they were right when you finally end up doing the work. Dr. K couldn’t emphasize enough that it needs to be THEIR idea

People only change when they are ready to make that change for themselves. Stop punishing them for not changing on your timeline. Stop trying to “motivate” them into doing something they clearly don’t want to do. It is a waste of your time. It is stressing you out. It is ruining your relationship. It is not working.

Whether you realize it’s happening or not, when someone else is either having a lot of fun, or getting the results you want, or making something look easy and pleasurable, you are hardwired to move toward it.

Model the behavior change you want to see and walk the talk you’ve been asking for. If you have ANY shot at influencing them to move toward the behavior or change you want them to make, you need to show them how easy it is.

Model the behavior you want to see.

your influence is highly effective, but it requires a lot of patience because it will take time for your positive influence to take effect in someone else’s brain.

The Ground Rules: Using the ABC Loop

The point is not to be “right.” The whole point is to communicate in a manner that neutralizes any tension and creates the space for positive change to happen. The best way to do this is to come prepared to listen to the other person wholeheartedly without interrupting them.

The Prep Work: Using the “5 Whys” Method

before you can be honest with somebody else, you have to be brutally honest with YOURSELF.

The idea here is to rise above your emotions and get to the truth of why this bothers you so much, using a proven technique called the 5 Whys method.

the root cause of your frustration, and it will always have to do with their behavior making you feel a loss of control. Allow yourself to be honest. When you see that it’s been about YOU all along, and your need to control, it is easier to drop the pressure and Let Them be.

The thought behind this technique is that getting the person to talk about how THEY feel will encourage them to think about the disconnect between what they want and their current behavior.

the question invites someone to really experience the tension between how they truly feel about where they are, and the fact that they are not doing anything about it.

People do well when they can. Not when they want to do well, but when they can. By asking all these open-ended questions, you might just discover that the person you love wants to do well, they just don’t think they can right now. It’s not an issue of motivation. What’s in their way is a lack of belief in their ability to change—they don’t think they can.

The point of this technique is not to get them to tell you the truth. It’s to create discomfort that they feel internally. They may not express it to you. That tension is critical, because it ultimately becomes the source of their motivation to change. Seeing the disconnect between what they want and their current actions is what pushes them to eventually change for themselves.

BACK OFF, and observe their BEHAVIOR.

It takes time for tension to transform into motivation. Let Them be.

They need enough space, time, and distance from the conversation with you to feel like they’re not going to get an “I told you so.”

CELEBRATE progress while you continue to model CHANGE.

immediate positive compliments are a key driver to influencing behavior change.

one of the most effective things you can do is tell them how attractive they look, or give them a kiss on the cheek, as soon as they are done working out or doing what you want them to do.

immediate positive rewards after someone does something hard will boost their intrinsic motivation or desire to do it again.

The hard thing gets fused with something really pleasurable: the reward that you are providing.

real success lies in being accepting, compassionate, and showing your support in a genuine and effective way.

You change how you show up. You stop pressuring the person that you love and become more loving. That’s what makes you powerful.

When people are struggling, they have a lot of shame and are often in denial about it.

Not everyone is ready to get better, be sober, do the work, use their tools, or face their issues. And not everybody can.

The more you try to rescue someone from their problems, the more likely they will continue to drown in them. Allowing someone to face the natural consequences of their actions is a necessary part of healing. The fact is, adults only get better when they are ready to do the work,

your judgment of the other person and what you think they should do is part of the problem, because it translates to pressure.

The more you judge someone for their behavior, the better they will get at lying to you about it.

Often, loving someone will require you to Let Them learn the hard way. Sometimes, reclaiming your power means not fixing everyone else’s problems or making excuses for their behavior.

Allowing other adults to face and feel the natural consequences of their actions is one of the most important steps of healing.

Legally you are an adult at 18, but from a neuroscience perspective, someone between the ages of 18 and 25 still needs a lot of guidance.

That person needs pain in order to galvanize the will to change.

These painful experiences are also part of the motivational circuitry

Let people learn from life. Don’t shield them from the consequences of what they choose.

avoidance is a habit and coping mechanism that is very common when someone is confronted.

the only way somebody gets stronger is by facing the things they feel too weak to face. And it’s exactly what the Let Them Theory is going to help you do.

Look at people’s struggles as an opportunity to support them in discovering their strengths. If someone learns that they are too weak to face their struggles, they will never experience what is truly possible. And if you always swoop in and rescue someone, they will start expecting you to do it when life gets hard.

If you are giving financial support to someone in an attempt to help them through a hard time, you better be very clear about the conditions upon which you are giving that support.

Money without condition is enabling. But providing money with specific conditions is support,

The hardest part is what happens when they don’t agree to the conditions.