The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

this countdown technique the “5 Second Rule.”

The moment you have an instinct to act, you have to physically move within five seconds, or your brain will talk you out of it.

Take action before hesitatio...

The 5 Second Rule taught me that action is the answer. Thinking about your problems will never solve them. Waiting around to feel like doing something means you’ll never do it. It taught me that no one is coming to save you. You must save yourself from yourself. You have to force yourself to make little moves forward, all day, every day, especially when you don’t feel like it.

Small, Consistent Action Changes Everything

Looking back, I can see how paralyzed I was with imposter syndrome. What right did I have to call myself an expert in anything? I suppose I was just waiting for some kind of permission to put myself out there.

The problem with waiting is no one is coming. The only permission you need is your own.

Learning how to push yourself to take action when you are afraid or full of self-doubt or overwhelmed with excuses is a life skill you can learn. Once you master it, you’ll understand that you can achieve anything through small, consistent moves forward.

The 5 Second Rule went on to become the most successful self-published audiobook in history, and the sixth most-read book of the year on Amazon.

Second, I’ve been told over and over again that I have this amazing ability to distill complex ideas and scientific research into simple, actionable advice that anyone can use to improve their life.

did you know that high-fiving yourself in the mirror is one of the fastest ways to rewire your mindset for self-confidence?

For everything I have accomplished, I had no prior experience or the “proper” credentials to pursue. I just made myself do it.

I did it because I was willing to do what most people won’t: I woke up every day, and regardless of how I felt, I kept slowly chipping away at my goals for over a decade, a painstakingly slow process.

You’ll never feel ready to change your life. One day, you just get tired of your own excuses and force yourself to do it.

The 5 Second Rule works because it helps you win the internal battle you have with yourself. But here’s what it can’t do: It can’t remove the external battles you have to fight every day.

The 5 Second Rule changed my relationship with myself. The Let Them Theory changed my relationship with other people.

What are you afraid of? I was shocked when I discovered the answer for myself: It was other people. Or rather, how I was letting other people impact me. I was spending too much time and energy managing or worrying about other people. What they do, what they say, what they think, how they feel, and what they expect from me. The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people. And yet, you live your life as if you can.

The Let Them Theory is a proven method that teaches you how to protect your time and energy, and focus on what matters to you. You’ve spent too long chasing approval, managing other people’s happiness, and letting their opinions hold you back.

The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people.

You make the mistake of thinking that if you say the right thing, everyone will be satisfied.

here’s the remarkable thing: When you stop managing everyone else, you’ll realize you have a lot more power than you thought—you’ve just unknowingly been giving it away.

The Let Them Theory is about freedom.

When you stop obsessing over what other people think, say, or do, you finally have the energy to focus on your own life. You stop reacting and start living.

You reclaim your time, your peace of mind, and your focus. You realize that your happiness is tied to your actions, not someone else’s behavior, opinions, or mood.

The Let Them Theory will teach you that the more you let other people live their lives, the better your life gets. And, the more you let people be who they are, or feel what they feel, or think what they think, the better your relationships will be.

I feel like I am racing through life and not allowing myself to truly enjoy it. And I get so worked up about things that don’t matter that I ruin the brief moments I have with those I love.

The more I said Let Them the more I realized that a lot of what I worried about wasn’t worth my time, nor did it deserve my attention. And not everyone was worth my energy. It was liberating. The more I said Let Them, the more time I had for myself. Time to think. Time to breathe. Time to have fun. Time to spend on what mattered to me. Time to take care of myself. I felt at ease, happy, and centered.

So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody else—a person you’re dating, a business partner, a family member—if they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.

It was shared so many times Apple named it the sixth most shared podcast episode of the year, globally.

a fundamental law of human nature: All human beings have a hardwired need for control. We all have an innate desire to control everything about our lives: our time, our thoughts, our actions, our environment, our plans, our future, our decisions, and our surroundings. Feeling in control makes you feel comfortable and safe, so naturally you try to control everyone and everything around you—oftentimes, without even realizing it.

But the fact is, there is one thing you will never be able to control. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to control or change another person. The only person you are in control of is you. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings.

The result? I gained more control over my own life than I have ever had before. It was freeing. I stopped making other people the problem, and in doing so, my relationships improved in ways I never thought possible. It was like unlocking a door that had been sealed shut for years. And behind it? A life where I’m no longer weighed down by the need to manage other people.

Over and over, you’ll learn how you’ve been trying to control the wrong things and unknowingly made other people a problem. The truth is, other people should be one of the greatest sources of happiness, support, and love in your life. But they can’t be if you keep trying to control what they feel, say, and do.

You know that awful feeling in your stomach, the one that hits you when you realize you’ve been left out.

“Why do you care so much?” I looked at him. “It’s not like you’re close friends with them anymore, Mel.” He was right. I knew he was. But I still felt this urge to reach out and smooth things over.

You find out that you weren’t included in something, and all you want is some kind of reassurance that there wasn’t something you had done wrong.

I will be honest with you: In these types of painful situations, you’re going to have to keep saying Let Them over and over, because when something hurts, the hurt doesn’t just disappear. It rises up again and again. So don’t be surprised when you find yourself having to repeat Let Them again and again.

At first, those words felt like a rejection. Like I was giving in. But then I realized something important: Let Them wasn’t about giving in. It was about releasing myself from the control I never had in the first place.

nothing I did would change what had happened. Their choice to go away didn’t have to make me feel bad, but my attempts to control the situation were making me feel horrible.

They weren’t making a statement about my worth. And even if they were? Let Them.

We all have moments where we try to control the world around us—especially when we feel hurt, left out, annoyed, or afraid. Maybe you’ve found yourself trying to manage every detail of a group plan to make sure everyone is included or maybe you’ve stressed about whether people are upset with you when they don’t respond to your messages right away. It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

I’ve spent most of my life believing that if I didn’t step in, if I didn’t manage the situation, things would fall apart. I had to be the one who kept everything together—relationships, work, friendships, even the emotions of the people I love. And when something didn’t go the way I expected, it felt like a reflection on me.

the urge to control things comes from a very primal place: fear. Fear of being excluded, of not being liked, of things falling apart if we’re not steering the ship.

We try to influence our partner’s habits, worrying that if we don’t step in, they’ll somehow get it wrong.

I’ve felt that fear a lot in my life. Fear that if I didn’t make things happen, I’d be forgotten. Fear that I wouldn’t be liked or accepted. Fear that without me at the helm, things would unravel. And let’s be real—control gives us the illusion of safety. When we’re in control, we believe we can protect ourselves from pain, disappointment, rejection.

Trying to control people and situations doesn’t calm your fears. It amplifies them. Any psychologist will tell you, the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become.

phone, I realized I wasn’t just trying to control what my friends might think of me—I was trying to control my own discomfort. I hated feeling rejected, so my immediate reaction was to fix the situation before I had to feel anything at all.

the core principle of Stoicism: Focus on yourself, because that’s where your true power lies. Buddhism and Radical Acceptance teach that suffering comes from resisting reality. The pain we feel often stems from wishing things were different than they are. The Let Them Theory helps you not only accept reality but also separate yourself from the need to change it.

But this makes you not care about others in a loving way

Detachment Theory teaches us how to emotionally distance ourselves from situations that trigger us.

Let Them show you who they are. Their disrespect doesn’t say anything about you. How you respond does. Stop asking why they are doing this. The question is, why do you want to be with someone who does this to you? You don’t. Don’t waste your energy chasing someone who’s already left. Focus on what you can control: Processing your emotions and reminding yourself that you deserve someone who treats you with respect.