The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

you are recognizing what’s in your control and what isn’t. Instead of spiraling, you’re choosing to steady yourself and detach.

Anytime you internalize other people’s thoughts, actions, and feelings as evidence that somehow you’re a bad person or you’ve done something wrong, you just gave other people power. And it shifts the dynamic and balance in the relationship. You feel beneath them.

here is the danger of only saying Let Them: If all you ever do is say Let Them, Let Them, Let Them, it will lead you to feel more isolated. It will make you want to withdraw or shut down.

The source of your power is not in managing other people; it’s in your response. When you say Let Me, you’re tapping into that power by taking responsibility for what you do, think, or say next. Let Me makes you realize that you are in control of what happens next and that life is more fun and fulfilling when you’re not sitting alone in your superiority.

the theory only works if you say both parts. When you say Let Them, you make a conscious decision not to allow other people’s behavior to bother you. When you say Let Me, you take responsibility for what YOU do next. What I love about Let Me is that it immediately shows you what you can control.

It’s the opposite of judgment. Let Me is all about self-awareness, compassion, empowerment, and personal responsibility.

that is the first step because getting emotional and blaming them or trashing myself won’t magically improve my friendships.

Let Me stop expecting other people to always include me. Let Me take responsibility for what I want in life.

Let Me develop better boundaries with work so I have time for friendship. Let Me prioritize my social life, because clearly it matters to me, and it is my responsibility to create one.

Some people have shared that they feel lonely after using the Let Them Theory. If you’re feeling this way, it’s a sign you’re applying the theory incorrectly. The Let Them Theory has two essential steps: Let Them and Let Me.

how often I said yes due to guilt. Or the decisions I made because I didn’t want to disappoint someone else. Or how often I used the excuse of being too tired to make my health or fun a priority.

When you’re an adult, your life, happiness, health, healing, social life, friendships, boundaries, needs, and success are all your responsibility. If you’ve been secretly hoping someone else would come and rescue you, fix your problems, pay your bills, create a social life, heal your wounds, change into your dream partner, and motivate you to be your best. . . it’s not going to happen. No one is coming. And any time you spend blaming other people, or waiting for permission or an invitation, is wasted. Those days are over.

You are capable of creating anything that you want if you are willing to put the time and energy into working for it. Your Let Me era is here. And that means you must stop wasting your time and energy on petty, shallow, and insignificant things. And it also means that you have to stop trying to control the one thing you can’t: other people.

It protected me from this habit of letting little things become big stressors in my day-to-day life.

your personal power is in how you react.

the “fight, flight, or freeze response,” that’s the exact same thing as your “stress response”—meaning that when you are stressed, your amygdala is in control. This can cause rash decision-making and more impulsive behaviors.

7 out of 10 people are currently living in a chronic state of stress.

The moment you say Let Them, you are signaling to your brain that it’s okay: This isn’t worth stressing about. You are telling your amygdala to turn off. You are resetting that stress response by detaching from the negative emotion you feel.

No more rage texts, or snapping at your loved ones, or wasting hours crafting an email at work. The fact is, not every email warrants a response and not every conversation needs your participation—and you do not always have to have the last word. And as the famous saying goes: Your silence can’t be misquoted.

Every time you say Let Them, you acknowledge that you cannot control this situation that is stressing you out. When you say Let Me, you are following Dr. Nerurukar’s advice and focusing on what you can control, which is your response to these stressful situations.

learning to protect your energy will improve your mood, mindset, health, focus, and ability to

it’s going to make you crazy. If you let the stress of this situation take over, you will never be able to think strategically about your next move.

Stop fixating on your current situation, and start focusing on finding a better opportunity.

When you say Let Them, you stop trying to control what someone else is doing. When you say Let Me, you take responsibility for how you respond to it, which is not always obvious. Every situation is different and learning how to choose what type of response is worth your time and energy, and what isn’t, will change your

Every situation will be different based on how you feel, what’s going on in your life right now, how much time you have, how important the issue is to you, what your values are, and what the most effective approach is. Let Me is an opportunity for you to put your time, energy, and values at the center of your life.

if it doesn’t matter enough for you to get involved, then stop complaining about it. It just stresses you out.

the more you tap into that power, the more you’ll see all of the ways in which you’ve been sabotaging your own happiness and giving all your power away.

The Let Them Theory really highlights this and empowers you to make better choices about what is worth your time and energy and what isn’t.

you get to choose what impacts you and to what extent. You get to choose what you participate in and what you don’t.

It’s easy to put on a facade that you don’t care what other people think, but the reality is, we all do. The truth is, people will have negative opinions about you and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change this fact. When you allow your fear of what other people think to stop you from doing what you want to do, you become a prisoner to other people’s opinions.

This fear impacts every aspect of your life. It makes you procrastinate. It makes you doubt yourself. It paralyzes you with perfectionism. It’s the reason you overthink.

The more you Let Them think what they want, the better your life gets.

gave other people permission to think whatever they want about it? What if you pour your time and energy into your hobbies, your habits, your happiness? What change would you make if you weren’t worried about being judged? What is something that you are afraid to admit that you want? What belief are you nervous to be more vocal about? What have you been too scared to try because you have never done it before?

Every business has a formula. Follow it. I say that because one of the things I see people get hung up on all the time is this belief that “I need to be different.” That is a fancy way to say that you’re afraid other people will think that you copied them.

Do not reinvent the wheel. Follow the formula and use it to your advantage. Which is exactly what the experienced speakers told me to do.

successful speaker does the same three things.

Social media is how people find you.

That is the formula. Follow it, and you will start getting paid.

This stupid fear kept me from marketing my business, something I wanted to make my full-time career, for years. I gave other people’s opinions more weight and importance than my own ability to get ahead in life. Talk about giving your power away.

The fact is, it is impossible to control someone else’s thoughts. Therefore, fearing what other people think, or trying to control their thoughts, is a complete waste of your time.

everybody has critical opinions about people they love as well as total strangers. It is a fact of life. Embrace it and accept it.

Just because someone has a negative opinion doesn’t mean they feel negatively about you as a whole.

two things can be true at once. You can be annoyed by the way someone is acting and still love them to death.

This approach is liberating because right now you are living your life and making decisions trying to anticipate what everyone is going to think. When you let the fear of what people might think dictate your choices, you limit your potential and hold yourself back from pursuing what you truly want. It’s the reason you procrastinate, doubt yourself, get paralyzed by perfectionism, and, most importantly, it’s why you wake up every day and avoid the work that would actually help you get ahead.

This stupid fear is stopping you from trying new things, taking risks, being yourself, and making the small moves that, over time, will change your life. How sad. The Let Them Theory will help you be more courageous. Doesn’t it seem smarter to accept reality and give people the freedom to judge you?

Adults are allowed to think whatever they want to think. So are you. This is why the Let Them Theory will set you free. Instead of living your life on the defense, you’re going to get on the offense. You’re going to play the game of life the way you want. Let Them think what they want. Let Me do what I want.

a very important point about prioritizing your needs while also maintaining supportive and loving relationships. The point here is not to move through life as a selfish or narcissistic person who doesn’t care about other people.

you also don’t want to be an inconsiderate bulldozer.

Whether their opinions are right or not is not the point. It’s how you relate to their opinions that matters.

Don’t try to change their opinion. Give them the freedom to have it.