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September 2 - September 4, 2025
Perhaps if you had the dress, a man could be taking it off you right now. Think on that.
Ok mum go off
You can be my Republic of Ireland, since lookin’ at you my penis is Dublin.”
“I want you to taste my lucky charms.”
“It didn’t look like you were chatting. It looked as if you were touching her when she specifically told you that she wasn’t interested.” How does he know that? He was sitting too far away and the pub was too noisy for my voice to carry.
His lips are cool, probably because he’s come in from the freezing weather outside.
Babes hes been sitting in the pub with you. Hes not been outside in a while
He tugs at my lip with teeth that are a little sharp,
He’s just being nice, and I’m ready to climb him like the property ladder.
Your mother. That’s right, Lady Callista of the Blood Valerian, darling of the Nightshade Court herself,
I think he knows who his mother is
When I saw that man harassing her, something stirred inside me, something of the old Alaric who stained the dirt red with the blood of my enemies, who wants to do good things but doesn’t know what good is anymore.
I don’t want a human in my castle. I don’t want to take these trips into the village to “train” myself not to devour their stupid faces.
As long as the organiser doesn’t smell like that woman at the pub, I will endure their presence.
Welp...
You will be having kids, won’t you? You only have so many years before your eggs are no longer viable. If you had the sundresses with you, you might be pregnant already.
date scone slathered in butter, jam and clotted cream
I may be a hot mess, but at least I’m a fun hot mess, like a runaway train filled with glitter and Jammie Dodgers.
I admit it. I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic. I used to devour one or two romance novels a week – give me all the burly mountain men, clever professors with kinky proclivities, spoiled billionaires, wild motorcycle gangs or sexy vampires, as long as the hero is broody, grumpy and possessive, with a schlong that has to be checked as oversized baggage on aeroplanes, I’m in.
Beth will be pissed if the only Indian girl is late. It makes her look like she’s culturally appropriating.
The radio comes on, blasting loud hip-hop. Reginald sings along, slapping the steering wheel.
Everything i learn abt this man is surprising. What do you mean hes singing along to hip hop in his antique car wearing old fashioned clothes. Like how old is this vampire??
If Dracula visited Black Crag, the infamous vampire would step back in disgust and tell the owner: Cool it with the gargoyles, dude. No one’s that goth.
Instead, something cool and hard slides beneath my arms, lifting me from the ground. I open one eye. Lord Valerian holds me beneath my armpits like I am a clumsy child he’s rescued from disaster, which isn’t that far from the truth. Those dark, fathomless eyes regard me with ire, and the corner of his mouth quirks up in what could be annoyance or amusement.
AHHHH STOP IT
How did he move so fast?
Ok Edward
“Are you quite alright, Ms Preston?” he says in that deep, ragged voice of his,
Like last night at the pub, his touch is surprisingly cool, but I figure that’s what happens when you live in a draughty medieval castle.
Take a hint babes
loose white shirt dotted with paint. His dark curls flop over his eyes, making him look more like a seventeenth-century poet
Omg hot artsy vampire
Their stuff isn’t just stuff – it’s a precious dragon hoard, and my job is to help them protect it from filthy hobbitses.
Filthy hobbitses
I reckon Elon Musk hands them out for free so people will be his friends.
I fuckibg love this author
Now, normally, this idea would be preposterous because I cannot become ill. Reginald believes I am suffering from a disease of the mind, one called ‘hoard’.
know I’m starting to sound like the heroine of a gothic romance with all this gasping in the castle, but I can’t help it.
“There’s a kiln under the window. Isn’t that a fire hazard?” “Quite possibly. Come, come.”
Im obsessed with this man. This would be me as a vampire
“Here is where I keep my loom.” His loom?
King
“I intended to finish it so I might master the Flemish technique, but instead, I became enamoured with painting, so it waits here for my enthusiasm to return. However, according to some, one cannot host a ball with a loom in the middle of one’s ballroom, so it has to go.”
Ah, a difficult mother. I can relate.
I too can relate
No, actually most importantly, does he want to kiss me again?
“Money is no object,” he says. “You’ll need to speak with Reginald about the funds. He may need to sell some of my gold.” Ooooookay.
stifle a yawn. “I think we should call it a night.” “Of course – your feeble body requires rest.” I roll my eyes at him. “Who are you calling feeble? I moved all those heavy locomotives by myself, thank you very much.” Although Alaric was fitter than I expected, lifting antique tables with one hand and rushing about with cacti-filled terrariums without ever being out of breath. I try not to imagine the muscled, fit body beneath those stuffy, old-fashioned clothes, but I fail. I smile at him. “You need rest, too.”
Alaric could talk about paint drying in that deep voice of his and I’d listen. Actually, he did talk about paint drying for a bit. It was surprisingly hot.
“You were cold.” Alaric frowns. “Weren’t you?” “I do not feel the cold as you do. Ms Preston, you must tell me when you feel a chill. I will have Reginald light the fire in my office when we work tomorrow.” “That would be brilliant.”
Thoughtful!!! I love you Alaric
“I went to university to study archaeology. I loved history, exploring different times and places, and how people lived.
Oh PERFECT!! A vampire boyfriend is gonna be the best for you
Poor Winifred. I have asked so much of her. She is here, in my castle, even though she is afraid.
She is touching my things, bringing order to the chaos of my mind. I am not used to kindness from humans. I am not used to the way her kindness makes me feel.
She smells like sunshine, like strawberries. Like things that are not for me.
STOP IM CRYING
I live like what I am – a dreaded creature; a monster.
No baby you arent
But now that Winnie is here, singing along to her horrible music under her breath as she dances around my study, treating my distractions as though they are precious, as though I am precious … I find that I want her to love Black Crag as much as I do.
You are precious
Winifred
Awww he calls her Winifred still
I’m pleased that one of us remembers what is required to keep a human alive.
Thou shall not lie with a human or invite them to share your life, outside of the bonds of the blood rite.
This was quick lmao
I’m not certain I’ve ever laughed. I shall ask Reginald.
Before I started to imagine all the forbidden things I’d like to do to her …
Mirabelle winds around my feet, meowing loudly about how she’s a poor, starving orphan who hasn’t been given so much as a morsel of gruel.
Alaric may enjoy his medieval trappings, but I’m thankful that his coffee machine is modern and expensive and runs on glorious electricity and not steam power or five guinea pigs on a treadmill.
The castle network is named ‘LAN Helsing’, and the password is ‘cantstakeme’, all one word.”
