Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

by Foster W. Cline

To ensure that Aidan has a learning experience from this incident, his mom and dad must remember one thing: to keep their mouths shut. Save the words for happy times.

The only time to reason with a child is when both parties are happy.

Allow the consequences to do the teaching.

Carrying the kicking and screaming Aidan out the restaurant door, Dad would then put him very gently in the car and drive off, all the while keeping mum about the incident.

Dad should administer the consequences with a compassionate sadness. For example: “Oh, for sure, son. That’s what happens to me when I miss my dinner. I’ll bet you’ll be anxious for breakfast. Don’t worry — we’ll cook a good one.” Without doubt, Aidan will learn more from this response than from anger and threats. Sorrow and consequences and an arm around his shoulder are powerful teaching agents.

they’ll lay anything on us that comes to mind with words such as, “That’s not fair,” and “You don’t love me.” Every time they do this, we are forced to drain our energy tank in supplying justification for the choices we give them. However, if anyone is going to drain anyone’s brain, let it be us draining our children’s brain. We do this by holding firm to our choices. Observe the following scenario: NICK: “Hey, Dad, bye. I’ll see ya. I’m going outside with Mason.” DAD: “Hold on, Nick, I think you promised you’d have the garage swept by this morning before you did anything else.” NICK: “But I don’t have time right now, Dad.” DAD: “That may be so, son, and feel free to go as soon as you sweep the garage.” NICK: “Aw, c’mon. I promised my friends I’d go.” DAD: “I’m sure that’s true, Nick, and feel free to go as soon as you sweep the garage.” NICK: “I’ll do it when I get back. Mason does his chores after he plays.” DAD: ‘‘I’m sure that’s true, Nick, and feel free to go as soon as you sweep the garage.” Repeat the choices over and over again. Don’t get angry.

“Choose my way or else.” When we say to our child, “You can either clean your room or lose your right to watch television,” it is no different from our boss saying to us, “Would you rather do that report today or get fired?” We must offer real choices, not threats: “Would you rather clean your room this morning or this afternoon?” (If the child says, “Neither,” wise parents say, “Not a wise decision. I’ll get back to you on this.” Consequences need not be immediate.) “Would you rather pick up your toys or hire me to do it?” “Do you want to spend your allowance on fun things this week or pay someone to do your chores?” “Do you guys want to settle the problem yourselves or draw straws to see who sits by the car window?” Nonthreatening choices, offered in a calm manner, give children a chance to take some control over their problems.

as we offer choices to our kids, we should remember five basic points: 1. Always be sure to select choices that you as a parent like and can live with. Don’t provide one you like and one you don’t, because the child will usually select the one you don’t like. 2. Never give a choice unless you are willing to allow the child to experience the consequences of that choice. 3. Never give choices when the child is in danger. 4. Always give only two verbal choices, but make sure the child knows there is an implied third choice: If he doesn’t decide, then you’ll decide for him. 5. Your delivery is important. Try to start your sentence with one of the following: “You’re welcome to_____or_____.” “Feel free to_____or_____.” “Would you rather_____or______?” “What would be best for you — _____or_____?”

7 THE RECIPE FOR SUCCESS: EMPATHY WITH CONSEQUENCES

“I’m too tired to go to school today,” “I’m sick, Dad,” and “I want to go back to bed.” Jim didn’t get angry with them. Instead, he felt genuine sadness for their plight. “Well, for sure, kids,” he said, “that’s what happens to me, too, when I stay up too late. I bet it’s going to be a long day at school. Well, try to have as good a day as you possibly can, under the circumstances. We’ll see you when you get home. Have a nice day.”

Imagine yourself banging a fender in the parking lot at work. You feel bad about it, and when you come home that evening, you explain the accident to your spouse. “What!” your loving mate shrieks. “That really makes me mad. You know how you wanted to go skiing this weekend? Well, forget it. You’re grounded!” A ridiculous scenario? Of course. As adults we don’t get grounded when we mess up in life; nobody washes our mouths out with soap when we swear. Punishments don’t happen in the real world unless crimes are committed. When people are punished for something, they seldom pause for self-examination. Resentment is the more common reaction. The same holds true for children. When we send kids to bed early because they sassed us, we are doling out punishment. When children tote home all Ds and Fs on a report card and we rescind television privileges for two months, we are not allowing the consequences of mistakes to do the teaching.

LOVE AND LOGIC TIP 22 Warning: Good Parents Don’t Give Warnings

Imagine that you’re heading down the freeway doing 85 in a 70-mph zone. You see the multicolored lights of doom blinking in your rearview mirror, and you think of one thing, and one thing only: “I’m going to get a ticket.” The cop saunters up to your car, nice as can be, writes the ticket, bids you adieu, and is on his merry way. He offers no hysterics, no anger, no threats. Just courtesy and a little slip of paper — the consequences of your breaking the law. As an adult, you would never think, in your wildest imaginings, of telling him, “I’ll be good, officer. Honest, I won’t speed anymore,” and having him say, “Well, okay. If you’ll be good, I won’t write you a ticket.” That is the stuff of fantasy.

The real world doesn’t operate on the multiple-warning system, and neither should we. Parents who give a lot of warnings raise kids who don’t behave until they’ve had a lot of warnings.

When we punish our children, we provide them with a great escape valve, an escape from the consequences of their action. They never have to think when they’re punished. They don’t have to change their behavior. They think, I’m being punished for what I did. I’m doing my time. And their anger is directed toward the punisher: us. As Love and Logic parents, we want our kids to hurt from the inside out. This happens when we allow the consequences to do the teaching. Consequences leave kids thinking very hard about their behavior and their responsibilities. Consequences lead to self-examination and thought.

Naturally falling consequences allow the cause and effect of our children’s actions to register in their brains. When they ask themselves, Who is making me hurt like this? their only answer is, Me.

Mom quickly tired of this every-morning hassle, and she decided to let the consequences teach her son a lesson. One day when Cole roared downstairs twenty minutes before school was to start, warmly yet firmly she said, “Oh, glad to see you’re up. What do you think you’ll do today in your room?” “In my room?” Cole said. “I’m going to school!” “Well, that’s good,” Mom said. “How are you going to get there? The bus left ten minutes ago.” “You’re going to take me, of course,” Cole replied. “Oh, sorry,” Mom said. “I can’t do that. I’ll be busy with my housework all day. Feel free to arrange other transportation or spend the rest of the day in your room so I can do my work without any interruptions, just like on other school days.

doing this takes guts! But the reward of changed behavior is worth it. These consequences all fall naturally and fit the “crime”

kids never seem to miss more than two days of school in a row with this technique. Without the company of others and without the attention of a parent who nags them, they become conspicuously unhappy.

“Jordan, I operate like the bus service does in the real world. However, I’m a little bit more lenient. I will wait three minutes. If you are at the grocery store between 5:00 and 5:03, I’ll pick you up. If, for some reason, you can’t make that time, don’t worry. I’ll swing back past and wait from 10:00 to 10:03. If, due to poor planning, you can’t make it then, don’t worry. I’ll swing by at seven tomorrow morning on my way to work. I’ll wait from 7:00 to 7:03.” Well, I knew Jordan would test me, and he did. When I went at 5:00, no Jordan. When I went at 10:00, I waited three minutes and then started to drive away. As I was pulling off, out of the shadows ran Jordan. He was waving his arms wildly over his head shouting in the night, “Here I am, here I am! Don’t leave me!” I think that little episode had a definite beneficial effect,

When no consequences occur naturally, the imposed consequences must (1) be enforceable, (2) fit the “crime,” and (3) be laid down firmly in love.

LOVE AND LOGIC TIP 24 Empathy, Not Anger

We as parents must show our empathy — our sincere, loving concern — when the consequences hit. That’s what drives the lesson home with our children without making them feel as though we’re not “on their side.”

Good consequences don’t always pop right into our brains. Even professionals in the field can’t always think up immediate consequences. This is another reason why delaying consequences is often the best thing to do. It allows us time to consider the best actions as well as get ideas from others. If no consequence comes to mind, it is much better to take our time and think of an appropriate consequence than to blurt something out in haste or anger. We are no less effective as parents when we take a little time to think through consequences.

LOVE AND LOGIC TIP 25 Consequences with Humor

It’s the Empathy That Counts You have probably noticed that Love and Logic parents react quite differently from other parents when kids make mistakes. We don’t get angry, we don’t say, “I told you so,” and we don’t sit our kids down and lecture them about their errors. If we did those things, we would be impeding the logic of the consequences from doing their thing. The child’s anger would be directed toward us and not toward the lesson

telling them they are loved, skillful, and capable. And a foul-up, regardless of how serious on their part, doesn’t change anything. They must be told that message continually. So when our children make a mistake, we really ache for them — we know what it’s like. And we tell them this in all seriousness. When our kids blow it and suffer the consequences, it is crucial that we express our sadness to them.

LOVE AND LOGIC TIP 26 Messages That Lock In Empathy

Before getting angry or sucked into the child’s problem, try using one of the following statements: “What a bummer.” “Really? I know you, and I’m sure you’ll come up with something.” “That’s terrible. How are you going to handle it?” “Oh, no, I’m glad that’s not my paper (report card, grade, late assignment, specific problem). You must feel awful. What can you do?” “Hmmm, that’s really an interesting way of looking at it. Let me know how that turns out.” “Wow, what a mess. Let me know what you come up with.” When we make these types of comments we don’t put ourselves up against our kids; we put ourselves squarely on their side, and on the side of their learning from their mistakes. They need to know we will be with them through it all but that we will not take away any of their responsibility in the process.

When you run out of things to say, transfer the problem to the youngster by asking a question. So Michelle said, “What are you going to do, Brianne?”

Allowing consequences while showing empathy is one of the toughest parts of Love and Logic parenting. Anger is such an appealing emotion, especially when we use it on our children. Punishment makes us feel so powerful. It makes us think we’re in control. Anger and punishment, put in concert with each other, provide a deadly duo of counterproductive parenting.

We are constantly giving messages to our kids, but the overriding message of all must be one telling them they’re okay. They may be having a hard time with their lives, they may have made a mistake and will have to live with the consequences, but we’re in their corner and love them just the same. Empathy about the consequences shows our kids that kind of love. It allows the logic of the consequences to do the teaching.

Love and Logic parenting is like dieting. Dieters do not say, “I’m going to become thin today,” and, presto, become thin. Likewise, parents don’t say, “These kids of mine are going to shape up for good right now.” So if Love and Logic is brand-new to you, implement it a little at a time. Pick one thing that bothers you about your child’s behavior — one thing that you think you would have good success of correcting with Love and Logic principles — and then work on it with one principle you have learned from this book. But don’t do it right away. Rehearse it first. Figure out how your child might react, and prepare yourself to deal with that reaction.

The following five-point guideline will help you mentally rehearse Love and Logic: 1. Pick the situation and what you want the child to do. 2. Picture yourself standing tall, looking directly into your child’s eyes and having a perfect right to expect what you are about to request. Check yourself in a mirror. 3. Imagine the sound of your voice. 4. Try it out on friends and get their opinions. 5. Rehearse this until you hear yourself saying, “Kid, make my day. Let me strut my new stuff!”

one of the great “E’s” of Love and Logic — example — which, along with experience and empathy,

while trying to remember to use new statements — feeling unsure of themselves and perhaps insecure with a new knowledge that doesn’t “feel” familiar — they make statements with the right words but wrong meaning. Their old disappointment leaks through with unhappy, angry, critical, or sarcastic demeanor. True empathetic statements are not generated from the head but from the heart! Every so often we have heard parents say, “Bummer for you,” with such callousness that it would freeze a river in summer.

child is still offered choices: “Ethan, when you act like that it really hurts my eyes and my ears. Where else would you feel comfortable doing that?”

Love and Logic parents give their children choices within acceptable limits that follow a few key guidelines: 1. The child is expected to willingly pick one of the choices, not given two choices that are both unappealing. 2. The parent can live with whatever choice is picked. 3. If the choice is refused, the parent can lovingly take his or her turn at choosing a response that is enforceable. (Don’t rush into this. Enforceable responses sometimes take thought: “Hmmm . . . That response drains my energy. I’ll get back to you on this.”)

“Kids don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

One of the primary benefits of using Love and Logic is that it eliminates many of the factors that traditionally divide children from their parents — namely, anger, lectures, threats, and warnings.

Mom realized that she was using “I love you too much to argue” instead of giving caring responses. She was repeating “I love you too much to argue” instead of simply getting down on one knee and saying, with love, “Honey, I’ll discuss this later. I’m in a hurry right now. Thanks.” More importantly, she realized she really was using the phrase as a way of short-circuiting listening.

Love and Logic cannot change the child before it changes the parent.

Our children are our most precious resource. They come to us with one request: “During our short eighteen years with you, please teach us the truth about life and prepare us to be responsible adults when we leave home and enter the real world.”

We don’t want philosophy — we want answers! How do thinking words, choices, and empathy with the consequences play themselves out in real, practical, get-down parenting?

PEARL 1 ALLOWANCES/MONEY

allowance. It usually begins when a child is five

Rule One: Children do not earn their allowances. That means we do not pay them to do their chores. Being paid for chores robs them of the dignity of holding up their fair share of the family workload. The only time we’d pay them for chores is when they do our chores. Rule Two: Provide the allowance at the same time every week. This can be done with pay envelopes. Place the cash, plus a small invoice indicating the breakdown of the funds (for example, for a child in first grade, “$1 allowance, $6 lunch money”) inside an envelope with the child’s name on it. Sign the invoice, “Because we love you. Spend it wisely and make it last.” The child must then tend to the envelope. Rule Three: Never insist that children save the allowance. They can’t learn to handle money if they stash their allowance in a shoe box at the back of their closet, saving it for when they get big. Kids must go through their own economic depression — wasting money and then not having any when they need it — to learn about money. In general, people best learn to save only after they’ve learned how to be broke. Rule Four: As long as they’re not engaged in illegal activity, allow children to spend, save, or waste the money any way they see fit. They can use it to hire others to do their chores. They can even hire a babysitter if they don’t want to go somewhere with the family. But there’s a catch: When it’s gone, it’s gone. No more allowance until the next week’s envelope.

When they blow their bankroll early and shuffle up to us begging for more money before the appointed allowance time, we must become as tight as a Depression-era banker. Sure, there will be more money — on the next allowance day.

Dad, could you give me more allowance?” DAD: “Well, I’ll be happy to give you your allowance on Saturday. But for now, maybe you’ll consider bidding on someone else’s chores around the house so you can earn some money that way.”

If Jenna keeps it up, Dad could put a finishing touch to the discussion by saying, “If I kept carrying on like that with my boss, how do you suppose he’d feel about my job? He’d feel like paying me less, wouldn’t he? So do your best to solve this, Jenna. We’ll see you later.”