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worry more about how to let the children encounter SLOs for their irresponsibility.
don’t spend their time reminding them or worrying for them. In a subtle way, they’re saying, “I’m sure you’ll remember on your own, but if you don’t, you’ll surely learn something from the experience.”
Children who grow in responsibility also grow in self-esteem,
have a lot of friends, do their chores regularly, and don’t get into trouble in school — they take responsibility as a matter of course in their daily lives.
Think of how we, as adults, respond to a person who builds on our strengths. If somebody very important to us thinks we’re the greatest thing since remote controls, we will perform like gangbusters for that person. But if that important person thinks we’re the scum of the earth, we will probably never prove him or her wrong. It’s the same way with kids. Kids say to themselves, I don’t become what you think I can, and I don’t become what I think I can. I become what I think you think I can. Then they spend most of their emotional energy looking for proof that what they think is our perception
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The ultimate implied message says, “I’m bigger than you are. I’m more powerful than you are. I have more authority, and I can make you do things.” Whenever we order our children to “Shut up!” “Stop arguing!” or “Turn off the television!” we’re sending a message that slashes into their self-concept. Why is this? Because, when we give children orders, we are saying: “You don’t take suggestions.” “You can’t figure out the answer for yourself.” “You have to be told what to do by a voice outside your head.”
“Isabella, I’ll let you decide that for yourself.” OVERT MESSAGE: “You can decide.” COVERT MESSAGE: “You are capable.”
From the moment of birth, a child embarks on a lifelong mission of feeling accepted and being noticed in a positive way.
Leg One: I Am Loved by the “Magical People” in My Life The best kind of love is the love that comes with no strings attached. Our love for our children must never be conditional.
in their zeal to help youngsters improve schoolwork, for example, exert so much “love” getting them to do their homework that the children receive covert messages that real love will have to wait until they improve. These parents express their love through intensity and pressure, forgetting the real signs of love (eye contact, smiles,
Here’s another paradox: Kids can’t get better until we prove to them, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they’re good enough the way they are.
Leg Two: I Have the Skills I Need to Make It
Wise parents think, Don’t get too uptight if our children don’t always listen to us, but tremble in fear that they see what we do.
LOVE AND LOGIC TIP 6 Messages That Lock In Love A lot of bonding goes on between parents and children, especially dads and boys when there is friendly wrestling, arm wrestling, shoving, and playful punching. This physical contact between fathers and sons can lock in messages such as, “We enjoy goofing around together,” “You’re tough,” “You’re growing up,” and “You’re just too strong for me anymore.”
Tyler sees his dad sweeping the garage. He grabs a little broom and starts moving dirt around, imitating his father. Inside, Tyler is thinking, I feel big. I am learning how to use the broom. I hope Dad notices.
The quality of learning improves with practice, encouragement, and modeling. Say, “Gee, Tyler, you really know how to sweep. Isn’t it fun to do a good job? Watch how I use the broom and get all of the dirt.” This gives the child a good model to copy. Like Dad, Tyler wants to do a good job and feel good about it too.
great combination: getting the job done, fun, and me.
can see that you are working hard to learn to do long division. Let me know if you would like some help.” “I see that you are learning to make the bed just like Mommy. Would you like me to show you how I get the wrinkles out?” Whenever possible, we slip a little fun in the task.
Leg Three: I Am Capable of Taking Control of My Life
Had my wife said, “Wear your coat. It’s cold out,” Andrew probably would have said, “No.” And she would have said, ‘‘I’m your mother, wear your coat.” Then Andrew would have been sitting in the backseat, warm as toast, hating her, and not learning a thing. He would have been thinking, Okay, I’ll wear my coat, but only because you made me. Just wait until I’m old enough to decide for myself about wearing a coat! When little kids rebel, parents can quash the rebellion with a stern order and get good short-term results. But when kids hit adolescence and rebel, parental orders too often
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effective praise is built on two assumptions: 1. The evaluator and those evaluated have a good relationship or at least mutual respect. 2. The evaluator is in a position to judge the “goodness” of the action or production.
Praise isn’t bad, but notice how its emphasis is on external evaluation — the joy of another — and no real thinking is encouraged.
If we never let our kids struggle to get something they want or work through a problem for themselves, then when things get difficult later in life, they won’t suddenly turn tough and get going; instead, they’ll just quit.
Praise Encouragement Location Good feelings from the outside Builds good feelings from the inside Technique Statements Questions Assumes Child and adult have good relationships No assumptions about relationships Content Judgmental Nonjudgmental Results when child has a good self-image and likes the adult Feels good about job and adult Feels more competent in making decisions Feels good about self Results when child’s self-image is poor Discounts with: “He’s just trying to make me feel better. He doesn’t really know me.” Acts out negative behavior to prove how bad he really is Feelings toward
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“Why is that?” “How did you figure that out?” “How do you think you will handle it next time?”
self-confidence looks something like this in almost every case: 1. Kids take a risk and try to do something they think they can’t. 2. They struggle in the process of trying to do it. 3. After a time, they accomplish what they first set out to do. 4. They get the opportunity to reflect back on their accomplishment and can say, “Look at what I did!”
It comes from working hard and accomplishing good things. No amount of stuff or praise can build a resilient self-image for children. Oddly
LOVE AND LOGIC TIP 8 What They See Is What They Learn
For many unhappy parents and their entitled, demanding children, life becomes a one-way street. The parent does things for the child, but the child feels no need to repay the parent or make the trips pleasant for the adult. The child only takes, and the parent only gives. Wise parents who find themselves in such a predicament set the model by taking good care of themselves.
Responsible behavior has a direct correlation to the number of decisions children are expected to make. The more they make, the more responsible they become.
Mother, Please, I’d Rather Do It Myself Oftentimes we impede our kids’ growth. We put ourselves exactly where we shouldn’t be: in the middle of their problems.
anytime we explode at children for something they do to themselves, we only make the problem worse. We give kids the message that the actual, logical consequence of messing up is making adults mad. The children get swept away in the power of their anger rather than learn a lesson from the consequences of their mistake. When we intrude into our children’s problems with anger or a rescue mission, we make their problems our problems. And children don’t worry about problems they know are the concern of their parents. This can be explained partly by the “No sense in both of us worrying about it”
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Kids who deal directly with their own problems are moved to solve them. They know that if they don’t, nobody will. Not their parents, not their teachers — nobody. And on a subconscious level, they feel much better about themselves when they handle their own problems.
LOVE AND LOGIC TIP 10 When to Step In/When to Stay Out of Kids’ Problems
We step in when our children are in definite danger of losing life or limb or of making a decision that could affect them for a lifetime. We step in when our children know they are in a situation they can’t handle by themselves.
If there’s more than a 20 percent chance our child might be able to work it out, we should keep clear of owning the problem and not rob our child of the opportunity to learn
In short, if it’s a problem for us, it should soon be a problem for them.
If Caden’s room is a nationally declared disaster area, we let him wallow in the mire. But if Caden trashes the living room within fifteen seconds of arrival, that affects us, so we help him handle it — our way. Again, we are modeling appropriate adult behavior. We don’t allow other people to harm us, and we therefore raise children who know how to care for themselves and won’t allow others to cause them problems.
“Uh-oh,” Mom says quietly in a sing-songy voice, “looks like someone needs a little private time to pull herself together.” Jasmine’s head raises and her limbs stop pounding the floor. She has heard this one before and knows what is coming next. Mom scoops Jasmine up lovingly and walks her to her room going through all six steps of using the “Uh-Oh” song: Step one: Sing out, “Uh-oh! Looks like a little bedroom time,” while quickly and gently moving the child to the recovery area. This is often the child’s room but can be any other place where the child cannot be with the family.
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two simple rules that will help you do all that we have discussed so far: Adults must set firm, loving limits using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats. The statements are enforceable because they deal with how we will respond. When a child causes a problem, the adult shows empathy through sadness and sorrow and then lovingly hands the problem and its consequences back to the child.
Perhaps the most important skill of this first rule is the use of enforceable statements. This is often best done by giving choices that are within your firm, loving limits.
Notice that the parent is not telling the child how to act, such as “Stop that right now!” Such a statement is not enforceable;
two choices are given, both of which are acceptable to the parent and can be enforced if the child decides to do nothing in response.
“Oh, I missed you! I am glad to see you are feeling sweeter! Let me set this egg timer to five minutes, and you can come out to be with me again when it goes off if you will stay sweet that whole time.”
“Please feel free to join us for dinner when your room is clean.” “Would you prefer to wear something nice to church or go in your pajamas?” “Feel free to join us in the living room to watch some television once your chores are finished.” “You are free to use the car as long as your mother or I don’t need it, once you have deposited the insurance deductible in a savings account, and as long as I don’t have to worry about alcohol or drugs.”
Make sure that you are willing to enforce whatever choices you give. It
When a child causes a problem, the adult shows empathy through sadness and sorrow and then lovingly hands the problem and its consequences back to the child. One of the points of the “Uh-Oh” song is for the parent to show sadness at the actions of their child. Singing the “Uh-Oh” song is simply another way of saying, “Oh, what a sad choice you just made.” For older kids, this can change to something along the lines of, “Bummer,” or, “Oh, how sad. That never turns out very well for me when I do that,”
Consultant parents blow in, blow off, and then blow out — they don’t blow up! Our best advice for parents who have reached the blowing-up point is to go completely brain-dead and return to their one-liners. Some of the best are, “I love you too much to argue with you,”
often in the time between problem and consequence, either they’ll find a solution to the problem for themselves, or the perfect consequence will present itself to you so that the children will get optimal learning out of the situation! The key is to keep the ball in the kid’s court and model taking care of yourself. Then, even if the kids think they have gotten away with it, when the consequences come they will be more meaningful because you took the time to find the best response.
LOVE AND LOGIC TIP 12 If It’s a Problem for Us, It Should Soon Become a Problem for Them
