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He’s made it very clear he can’t give me what I want, and I’m not in the habit of pushing people. I’m going to believe what he says. I’m not going to beg him to be something he’s not.
Exactly what I thought
I’m still too terrified to open any of my social media applications. Blissful oblivion is the name of the game at this point.
I don’t want Lucie to slip through my fingers. It doesn’t matter that she’s never been mine to hold. I can’t stop myself from wanting her.
Dude, what? Do something about it then???
I’m tired of overanalyzing every thought and feeling.
It's exhausting.
I’m an expert on the soundtrack of Lucie, but I think these sounds might be my favorite.
“I’ll give it to you. I’ll give you anything you want.”
Now that I’m not holding on to any expectations, I’m having fun.
Girl, this is going to be short-lived.
Yeah, lucky me. Lucky, heartsick, painfully obsessed me.
I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to want more. I don’t know what the rules are. I don’t know the next steps.
“Because you said it was your favorite,” I admit. “And I want your favorite to be my favorite.”
🥹
I’m not used to letting myself feel things. I’m not sure I like it.
Why can’t I connect my brain and my mouth?
Right?
“I remember all the things you’ve said,”
🥹
I’m so used to reducing myself to feeling things halfway that it’s become second nature.
Because with Aiden, I’m safe.
Wanting someone and wanting them to want me back. I don’t want there to be any confusion. I don’t want him to hesitate.
I’ve always been good at asking for what I want.
“I want you to take what you need too.” Take.
I can be anything she wants me to be.
That's the spirit. But don't be something you yourself don't like.
I’ve never had anyone look at me the way Lucie does, like the want is tangled up with the comfort and the affection.
“I don’t want something perfect; I want something honest. Something that can be mine.”
The most precious, delicate things wedge themselves between the plans you’ve made for yourself.
The way he won’t tell me what he wants. The way he won’t tell me anything. I’ve had to pull and prod and pry for every little bit I get. I try to bite down around the edges of my frustration, but I can’t. I’ve been more honest with Aiden than with anyone in my life, and he can’t return the favor.
I HATE this
I’ve been here before. I know this feeling. The sinking realization that my feelings don’t match up. That I’ve felt too much too fast and made assumptions. Misread the situation and projected my own hopes on another person.
Told ya
“I think you tell yourself you don’t deserve the things you want so it’s easier for you to manage your expectations. It won’t hurt if you don’t care, right? How many lies have you told, Aiden?”
Better end it now before you get in too deep and risk hurting, right? You’re so used to distancing yourself from any sort of feeling that you don’t even realize you’re doing it anymore. You watch clips of movies because you don’t want to get invested in a stupid story.
I won’t sit here and listen to you diminish what I feel because you’re scared of what might happen.”
I can make my own magic. You just have to give me a reason to.”
Exactly!
Aiden never stopped believing in love. He forgot how to. He built a fortress around his heart to protect himself and lost the key somewhere along the way.
“Not wanting me to go isn’t the same as wanting me to stay.
Trueee
Contained. Managed. Subdued.
I manage my expectations to keep myself from getting hurt. I keep a careful distance from anything that threatens my ambivalence.
You spent more time in hospitals than out with your friends.
“It was never a choice, Aiden. I was always going to love your mom. And I would never have chosen different, even with everything we’ve endured together. It makes it better, doesn’t it? To know how temporary it all is. To know how special. Love isn’t”—he sighs, a deep, rumbling sound—“love isn’t always sunshine and daisies. Sometimes it’s hospital beds and shaved heads. But I wouldn’t trade any of it. Because all of it is with her.”
“You don’t like mornings. You don’t like to run. And you don’t like to spend time with people, so I’ll ask again. What the hell are you doing here?” “Maybe I need to do more things I don’t like,” I reply, my voice hoarse from all the unnecessary panting.
“I’ve done my best to not feel much of anything. Feeling almost always led to hurting and I didn’t want to hurt anymore. So I decided not to. But I think somewhere along the way, that choice became a habit I didn’t know how to break. I stopped believing in good things. I stopped believing in anything at all.”
“I know what falling in love feels like because I’ve been falling in love with you.”
Dude. Teach me. I have no idea what romantic love feels like.
I never thought I’d be wanted the way Aiden wants me. Never thought I’d be seen and appreciated and adored. But he does. He sees me. He wants me. He loves me.
My toxic trait is thinking I'm getting manipulated and gaslighted into thinking this.
“I’m gonna love you so good, Lucie.”
Gooood. This is cute
