Deep End

by Ali Hazelwood

“Tenth circle of hell: you find the love of your life, but the sex is intensely meh.” In front of the entirety of Stanford’s diving roster. At eleven fifteen in the morning.

Nah bro that's crazy talk.. I won't say i haven't discussed something similar with a friend but still wild at 11 am

“And this injury of yours, Scarlett…does it have anything to do with the fact that you only listed five?”

Yikes i didn't count honestly so im glad she pointed it out

Enter junior year, and my GPA quakes in its boots.

Real..

Concussion. Ruptured eardrum. Twisted neck. Labral tear of the left shoulder. Pulmonary contusion. Sprained wrist. Sprained ankle.

Holy shit that's quite the rap sheet

Last year we (voluntarily?) moved together to a place off campus, and we just (voluntarily?) renewed our lease, condemning ourselves to twenty-four more months of each other. The truth is, being together is simple and requires little emotional labor from either of us.

Yeah no not in reality. My sister went through hell getting someone tk take her lease when her dorm/then apartment roommate flaked on her immediately after signing the lease renewal

“Pen, is everything okay?”

She's truly a girl's girl here.

I’d rather make a fool of myself and err on the side of caution than…whatever the alternative is. “Just making sure that—”

Yeah better safe than sorry

“Oh, god. Is this about the whole breakup thing?”

?? if they nedd to break up they should just let go.. If they both don't feel it they can always talk it through. But having each other on a leash forever cause they're a back up isnt it.

“He’s settling. Just like I’m settling. If we stay together, we’ll get married, have a house in the suburbs and two point five bilingual kids I cannot understand, and will always wonder what we missed out on. I won’t know what being young and free feels like, and he’ll be bitter because he had to give up all that kinky shit, like spanking people and tying them up and ordering them what to do.”

Uh if you get that vibe just from how it is now break up immediately. This relationship isn't lasting any longer

I’m not sure it’s voluntary anymore, and I’d rather not mention that after what happened with my dad, men can be unsettling to be around.

Uh what!? is her dad a red flag cause hell no i got strong words for him if so

“I love him. I really do. But…” A bob in her throat. Her posture straightens. “I want other things, too. I want to go to a party and flirt freely. I want to be hit on without feeling like I’m betraying someone. I want to have fun.” A deep breath. “I want to sleep with other people. See what that’s like.”

... It doesn't sound like you love him as a partner anymore a nd love of a long time friend. She needs to honestly leave the relationship

“Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. For being cool and not judgy. I’m glad you’re all healed and back on the team.”

Ok she's sweet to her girls at least

leaving me to wonder if anyone else ever uttered the word cool in relation to me.

It's been a few chapters already and I'm not feeling this novel much like the others i've read by Hazelwood

It’s a three-story building.

Yeah 10 meters didnt click but a 3 story build visually humbled my thoughts

After dinner I move to the patio with Bree, Bella, Devin, and Dale, where I struggle not to show how mind-boggled I am that two monozygotic twins are dating another set of monozygotic twins. Was this preplanned? How did they meet? Did one couple find true love, then force the other into a relationship?

Lmao it had to have been planned to a degree for one of the couples at least

“Oh my god, you guys. I just had the best idea in the fucking universe!” She glances at Lukas, at me, at Lukas again.

.... She's going to tell them to become friends with benefits while she tries to claim lukas as her man despite the infidelity .. If so she's lost the plot ong

Because what Pen actually says is, “You two should have sex!”

She's Gone

“Come on, Luk. I know you think she’s hot. You said so.” Silence. “And I see the way you look at her.” A buzz of unease bursts in the back of my skull. “How do I look at her?” “You know how.”

Crazy.. CRAZY

“I did some research. It appears that lost move syndrome is a typical phenomenon in athletes. A sudden inability to perform a skill you had previously mastered.”

Ah so that's what the coach meant during her practice. She literally can't perform the move bc she subconsciously blocked it in her mind after her injury

LMAO two truths and a lie, too. Penelope: “I pee in the pool.” “I hate tomatoes.” “I once got so wasted that I tried to get my ex and my teammate to fuck each other.” Scarlett: Very worried atm since I’ve seen you eat tomatoes with my own two eyes. Penelope: They pump so much chlorine in there!

Side eye penn is on something strong asf to be like this the next day still

But isn’t Lukas with you?

No bro she jumped at the thought of moving the heck on from lukas immediately

“Sure, I will,” I say, with no intention of doing so. First of all, I don’t have his number. Secondly—fuck that.

Ah hell nah

“Actually, I’ll text him your number and tell him myself, okay?” Shit. “I don’t want to bother him.” “He’s the captain. Part of the job description. Just sit tight, he’ll be there ASAP.” Thirty seconds later, I’m considering drowning myself in the pool, when my phone pings with a text from an unsaved number.

Damn he on his phone ready to text

“Maybe the elephant’s just…blindfolded?” He nods slowly. “And tied up.” “And doing as it’s told.” He looks like he might find that more appealing. “What a good elephant.”

Not me coughing and chocking on air at this convo.. This is so very awkward

GQ

Am i old cause idk what this means

“Come closer,” he orders. Lukas stopped a step behind me. I turn and frown up at him. “Why?” “Because I just asked you to, Scarlett.”

Side eye?? id side step that shit tf

I really don’t like people who order me around with no authority to do so. There’s something about Lukas’s serious, no-nonsense tone, though, that works on me like the opposite of a red flag. So I go for it and take a step closer.

Gosh this man must be hot hot for her to drop boundaries that fast

I’m just glad that cutting out your air supply last week didn’t kill any brain cells.” A breathless laugh bursts out of me.

this got a chuckle out of me too

Does he always just—say what he thinks? Narrate the world as he sees it? Shouldn’t some things stay unspoken?

Nah communication is reason why he is clear and mature rn

The subject line just reads What you need. The body: If you decide to go for it, I think it should be me.

DAMN HE STRAIGHT FORWARD ASF.. the whole convo eluded to it but damn he really is holding nothing back

“Believe me when I say that the grade is…” I sense despair in him. I bet he’d love to slug off the mortal coil of scoring rubrics. “Irrelevant.” “If you don’t care either way, I’d like an A plus.”

I remember a conversation similar to this from college. I had a lot of fun talking with my research mentor about these moments

introducing me to one of her grad students, Ezekiel. (“If you call me anything other than Zach, I will report you to HR.”) He’s cheerful, easygoing.

Yeah clearly charming..

“Lukas, we were just talking about you. May I introduce you to Scarlett Vandermeer?”

Yeah i figured he'd be involved cause fate be like that

“Well,” I say. “Well,” he repeats. “So…” “So.” There is amusement at the edge of his voice. In the crinkles cornering his eyes.

Gosh this would be enough to have me smiling just a little at least from the awkwardness of the situation

“Are you planning to call her Dr. Smith for the rest of the semester?”

Isn't that normal

“You really do like your authority figures, don’t you?” I gasp in outrage. And then…then I laugh. “Seriously?”

This is gonna be long book if its riddled with this many sexual innuendos

“You took my physics class last year. Orgo, too. We were constantly in the same lectures.” “Are you sure?” He just smiles, like he’s charmed by my total lack of recollection. “I never…I didn’t notice you.” “I know.” A small, self-deprecating laugh.

Gods this is exactly a conversation I've had before..

It feels like they should. Like my inability to secure any can only be due to a moral failure of mine. I didn’t do enough, therefore I fell short.

Gods i felt that overworked perfectionist in me tear up a little

“Convolutional neural network, for sure. It’ll be a million times better.” “A million.”

Yes its the fundamental background/layout for machine learning algorithms. Its basicaly specially trained AI knowing everything about what its being trained to know and predict/identify/generate

“Huh.” Her eyes slide to the back of his hand. The model I drew. “And where is Pen?”

Ah she thinks she's entitled to Lukas if Penn aint there.. Or maybe just a girl's girl looking out for penn

“I thought it was just me,” he says. “But it’s men in general, isn’t it?” “What?” “We make you nervous.” My fork hits my plate with a clink, swallowed by the background chatter. “How did you…?” “Earlier, in the hallway, you kept putting barriers between you and Zach—me, mostly. Then your face, with Kyle and Hunter. It’s not hard to guess, if one cares enough to pay attention.”

She has trauma from her deadbeat dad..

I don’t think it makes sense to conflate everyday violence with the kind of stuff you—we—are into. In fact, I don’t think the two things are related at all.” His gaze is steady. “What you and I want, it’s all about trust. We decide to be part of it. It sounds like whatever happened to you had little to do with you making any decisions, right?”

Ooh this is eloquently said.. Sexual kinks that are reliant on trust are not the same as an abusive relationship bc both parties did not agree on the treatment

“What’s that?” Coach Urso asks him, pointing at the back of Lukas’s hand.

No way this man got her convolution networks drawing still

Scarlett: Please tell me that someone else drew a convolutional neural network on your hand in the past two days. Immediate reply. Unknown: Are you calling me a computational slut?

Bruhh TT_TT.. As a computer engineer im shook by his response here

Scarlett: Do you really want to be reminded of my computational superiority that often? Unknown: I do. I have a thing for women who are smarter than me. My heart hiccups.

Mine too gal.. Mine too

Scarlett: On the one hand, I want to shame you for it. On the other, my worst dive ever happened the day after someone stole my tie dye shammy.

.. I feel like there might be guilt involved in this story .. Maybe Penn or Luka took it before her disaster dive

“I don’t doubt it, Scarlett. I believe that fear of injury is not a motivating factor in your issues.” Sam cocks her head. “But then I have to ask—if you’re not afraid of getting hurt, what are you afraid of?”

These therapy sessions real damn short

one of his hands wraps around both my ankles. He lifts them, holds them up as he sits down, and then lowers my bare feet in his lap. I blink at him. Then at his hand. His grip softens against my left calf, its circumference loose. He has short, blunt nails. Long, enveloping fingers. A wave of heat irradiates up my legs.

Bruh tbh you should have known he'd pull this move if you were stretching on his seat. You crossed the boundary first

It’s just the way I’m wired. It’s written in my neurons, how much I enjoy the strength behind his grip. His size. The ease with which he could overpower me. He could make me do things, and knowing that stokes a hollow ache in my abdomen. But he will not, not unless I give him the go-ahead, and that’s the kind of belly-warming knowledge that makes that ache even sharper.

... The older i get the more i get it. I understand her way too well

“I’m not clueless,” I repeat. “You’re not. You just keep your head down. Focus on what you can control, and cut the rest out as much as you can without letting your world collapse. Right?”

He clocked her and she's not having him best her.. not now