Deep End

by Ali Hazelwood

I do what I should have five minutes ago—pull my feet away and fold them underneath me. “Yeah.” I smile at Zach without glancing at Lukas or waiting for him to echo me.

Yeah you do that for you fam

Back. Tuck. I almost say it. Almost admit to her that it’s not the dive I was going for.

Damn... She honestly needs serious help

“My inward—” “Listen.” He gives me a level stare. “If you haven’t recovered your inward dives by the start of the season, we have other, more serious problems than the synchro.” He’s painfully right.

Very painfully right

You and Pen will have your own dive sheet and partnership. You’re not filling anyone’s shoes—you’re starting from scratch.”

Ok..

“It’s not you or Victoria, Vandy. It’s you, or nobody else.”

That's quite the pressure

His arms fold on his chest, casual, unaffected. I was, maybe still am, ready to do pretty unspeakable things for him. In an open room. With thirty to forty people downstairs. If only he were to ask.

Im dead lmao.. And there's no way he isn't buzzing fam..

I guess I’m that desperate. I guess I could walk myself into interstate traffic.

Lmao self flagellation go hard here

“…the thought process behind it?” someone is asking. “I dunno—since Bree’s turning twenty-two, and Bella’s turning twenty-two—” “You put forty-four candles on their cake?” “That’s just not how it goddamn works, Devin.”

Lmao that's fucking hilarious

I don’t get to finish that sentence. Because Lukas Blomqvist takes a long step, pushes me into the wall, and kisses me.

<_< in the library if im not tripping!?

A cart being pulled. Stacks of books falling. Hushed apologies. We both freeze, coil-muscled, long enough to regain some common sense. Or at least, for me to do that.

On gods in a library!? y'all WILD

What I want done to me, he wants to be the one doing it. Oh, I think. Oh. Suddenly, the kiss in the library makes lots of sense. I roll into my pillow, smile, and fall asleep that way.

Yall truly compatible and its "like fate" lmao

“I told you so. I told you so. I told you so—I told you so. Who told you so? Me. Moi. Penelope Fucking Diana Fucking Ross, ladies and gentlemen and nonbinary friends, that’s who!” She breaks into the most uncoordinated dance I’ve ever had the displeasure of witnessing.

Penn is honestly very cordial and refreshing.. She genuinely wants the best for Lukas and wants the same for herself too

“I was the one who initiated our breakup, and I’ve been worrying about him. It’s hard for him to date freely, but I hate the idea of him pining alone while I’m out there having fun. He’s a great guy. When no one else wanted anything to do with me, and I thought that my diving career was over, he stood by me. He’s loyal. Kind. He’s still my best friend. But I have to admit that he’s not exactly…passionate. It can be hard, for someone as cold as he is. But it sounds like you’re mostly interested in him for the sex,

Lukas not passionate?? Him cold? Idk how she's getting this idea of him when hes very very interested/perceptive when it comes majority of his interactions with Scarlett so far

Almost choke on my saliva. “Your name is Penelope Diana Ross?”

That's such a strange thing to fixate on after that rollercoaster

The simple pleasure of pleasing someone. Maybe I’m fucked up. A victim of the sexist power structures that society has imposed on me. If being praised by some guy I barely know gets me going this fast, I must have internalized the same patriarchal shit that I despise outside of the bedroom. Or maybe I just am, and should stop beating myself up about this.

This gets a chuckle out of ne and had to re-read it a couple of times with a smile each time.. If i ever meet the right person then sure lol ill understand

“In that case, I want you to get on your knees and go down on me.” A scattered thought occurs to me, that Lukas might be testing me.

IN THE LAB!?

He smiles and takes the USB out of his pocket. “Did you forget? We have a project to work on.”

.. All in that lab!?!? im shook

His eyebrow quirks. “Are you doubting my coding ability?” “No, no. I’d rather do it, though.” “Why?” “Well, I don’t know what coding languages you know, for one.” “And?” “I’m concerned that you’ll say, I don’t know, MATLAB.” He scoffs. “MATLAB.”

Gods MATLAB..

“He also cooks extremely healthy meals, does laundry every weekend at the same time, and probably uses a protractor to fold his underwear. Maybe it is a Swedish thing.” “It’s a not-a-manchild thing,”

Ayee get you a competent grown man being accountable around his own home

“I’m going to clean you up in a minute. Just let me…I just want to touch you. Okay?” I nod with a happy, sated smile. And a handful of seconds later I fall asleep.

So Penn and Lukas were extremely not compatible .. She could never fall asleep with Lukas

“The magnitude of which you both suck is larger than I ever suspected, and it’s my civic duty to reduce it. And there is an open volunteer coach position…” I’m nodding desperately. Next to me, Pen seems to be tearing up. “God, please. Save us from ourselves.” “Then it’s settled. I mean—”

Aye ok things are slowly getting back on track despite Lukas and Scarlet's distance atm

deliquesce?”

“I’m no mind reader, but I know my brother, and he very much wants you to come. And even if he didn’t…” His smile is a bottomless pool of charm. “I want you to come. That’s what matters.”

Oh i do adore Jan

“Sorry the weather is so unseasonably warm while you visit,” I tell Jan. “The heat is rough.” “Oh, not at all. We’re Swedish. There’s no such thing as bad weather—” “—just bad clothes,” he and Lukas finish together.

That's a fun way to think about it.. There's no thing as bad weather, just bad clothes.

“It’s his thing. His way of feeling in control.

… is that why he was trying to ween himself off of scarlett.? A way to tell himself he could survive without her touch?

“Wait—which one is Jan?” “The next youngest.” “With kids? The lawyer?” “Those would be Oskar and Leif, the two oldest.” “Right, right.” She shrugs. “What about Luk?” “You know how he…tries to prove to himself he’s above wanting things?” She gives me a baffled look,

Holy shit she really doesn't know Lukas at all

I click out of the video, wondering why my heart feels wrapped in stone. I can’t assume. I have no idea. It’s not my business. Why am I even…

His mom is no longer in the picture.. I wonder what happened

All he tells me is “Then you should go home, kid.” My heart is full of thanks, but I cannot bear to say even one before I leave.

... She fucking gave up on herself..

His tone lives somewhere between sympathy and amusement. “If you don’t think that I’m very aware of your presence, always, you have no idea what’s going on.”

He is been pining and crushing on her hard

“I learned what an inward dive is after the first time you mentioned them to me. And I know one when I see it.” I blink up at him, my lashes clumped with water and chlorine and something else. “You mean…” “I mean.” He smiles, lopsided. “You did it.”

Thank gods she figured out why she couldn't get over the block

the scent of sandalwood

Gods i love men thatcsmell like sandalwood so here's to me bagging/getting a man that smells like it in the future

“I’m afraid of the unpredictability of existing. I’m afraid of not being able to control the direction of my life. I’m afraid that no matter how much I plan, I won’t be able to avoid hurtful and sad things. But above all…” I take a deep breath and laugh softly, because what I’m about to say is ridiculous, even if it’s true. Even if it’s me. “Mostly, I’m afraid of attempting something and not being perfect at it.”

Finally being honest with herself

I realize that she knew this all along. Later that afternoon, during practice, I manage two terrible inward pikes.

Glad there's progress finally being made now..

He never mentioned it to me. Then again, when would he? In between bouts of helping my therapist fix my post-traumatic issues? Or while defiling poor Dr. Smith’s pristine cancer research lab? What about while you two were getting busy on top of me? The bench in front of my locker asks. It’s been calling me a slut for two weeks. You know what you did. I turn away. First you disgrace me, then you ignore me. Jesus.

This whole bench conversation has me cracking up

And then we start talking at the same time. “Do you wa—” “I’m go—”

He probably wanted to eat with her or hang out with her

Because in my hands there’s a tie-dye shammy.

I really don't want to suspect Penn. She has been open when it came to any developments in her personal life and her disinterest with Lukas has always been there. Other than that i can't say she's a backstabbing sociopath..?

“Her mom was the director of our diving club. Coach. Former diver.

Seems like a huge conflict of interest

She’d constantly yell terrible things at us, including her daughter. And the younger kids…she terrified them. Shamed them about their weight, forced them to train in bad weather, said all sorts of toxic stuff. And I was the one who reported her.” “Oh.” Shit. “An investigation was opened. She was suspended. It was for the best, but Carissa remained in the club, and decided that I’d ruined her mother’s career, maybe even her life. And the rest of the club…they knew that the report wasn’t false, but she managed to spin the narrative that I’d overreacted out of jealousy, and either they believed her, or they pretended to.”

Everyone failed penn bruh.. Those divers swimmers suck

there’s the part I hate the most. Stanford was Carissa’s dream school. But when Carissa contacted Coach Sima to express her interest, he noticed that she and I had been in the same club, and asked me about our relationship. I was truthful, and he decided not to pursue her.”

That's not penn's issue ong.. Clarissa should have considered her crappy treatment of fellow athletes before thinking about competing in her dream school with someone she used to torment

“Confidence is not about being able to do shit, Vandy. Confidence is showing up, and trying, and not giving up because deep in your heart you know who you are and what you’re capable of.”

Holy shit i love that

Because all of her scores are unexpectedly low—so low, she’s fallen to third place.

?? I don't understand how someone in first can drop to third by the last round?

“Well, Vandy,” he chokes out, “I hope you have a valid passport.” I guess I’m going to Amsterdam.

Welp good on her for getting silver somehow though I don't get it at all

“Emory offered a merit scholarship,” he adds. “Full?” “Yes.”

Aye >¬< that's freaking amazing

Zach asks me questions about my plans for the holidays, whether I’ll stay in town, hit me up if you want to get coffee. His words drift in and out, devoid of meaning.

Oh I guess Zach is into her.. I hope it's a fleeting feeling

Someone gifted me a yearly premium subscription to Duolingo.

Lmaoo

She is, indisputably, the best thing that ever happened to me. I wondered for years why she kept her married name after the divorce, and at eighteen I realized that it wasn’t because it was Dad’s—but because it was mine.

That's so damn sweet and heartwarming

Scarlett: He probably thinks we’re dating. We should set the record straight. Lukas: Or maybe we should just start dating.

Gasp!! They will finally start considering it

“Like you’re afraid I’ll bite your head off while you’re asleep. It’s not your fault if you dove better than Emilee.” “Technically, I didn’t—” “You dove more consistently.”

Ohh i like her. Akane is a no-bs type gal and she's a badass queen from her energy

“I remember you from Junior Nationals. Even told a couple scouts to check you out. But then you got that injury, and I thought you were over.” Her eyes eviscerate me. I’m a salmon, and she’s carving my spine out. “But you’re not bad. Even better, you’re good at taking directions. Where are you training?” “Stanford. With—” “Sima.” She nods. “He’s good. Some things, though, even a good coach stops being able to spot. A second pair of eyes is always useful.”

Okay she's intimidating but she genuinely means well

“Every single person Pen and I had sex with was her choice, and I was okay with it. But when you joined the team, I asked her if she could approach you.”

Oh.. Ohh so that's why penn said that at the start during the barbeque