Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

Talk about the differences in how people metabolize positive and negative feedback, and the implications for how to coach one another on teams. Float the concept of honest and supportive mirrors, and get the grapevine to actually grow something beyond rumors—peers helping one another to see their blind spots and process feedback for what’s right, not just venting about what’s wrong. Get the ideas into the air and onto people’s radar.

A feedback giver can encourage a receiver to reflect not only on the feedback itself but on how and what he’s doing with it—to reflect on how to maximize his second score. Create Multitrack Feedback

Track 2 is the unofficial but often significant work done by others—community members and grassroots organizations, et cetera.9 We’ve borrowed this

But in many ways Track 2 activities are even more crucial to learning. These include the informal coaching conversations among friends, peers, and mentors; the stories of success and failure; discussions of best practices and skills that did or didn’t help; and even an exchange of favorite books. You might have honest mirror and supportive mirror lunches with friends, combining social time with helping each other to learn.

The first step in modeling learning, of course, is actually being a good learner. That’s the hard part for all of us. Compared with that, the next step is easy but often forgotten: make your endeavor to learn explicit. Encourage people to discuss your blind spots with you. Shift from blame conversations to joint contribution conversations, and start by asking what you might have contributed to the problem. Hold people accountable by showing them how you hold yourself accountable alongside them.

Our advice is to notice that what might hurt someone in the short term might help them in the longer term, and indeed, withholding important coaching because it might be painful—to them and to us—can do them real damage over time.

As you think about whether and how to give feedback, make sure to factor in the long-term consequences for the receiver as well as your own short-term identity discomfort.

Our sensitivity to feedback can affect not only how we receive feedback but also how we give it. If a manager is highly sensitive to negative feedback, he may not be comfortable giving negative feedback to others; he may assume they’ll have the same painful overreactions that he does.

the theme of how disposition affects our style of giving feedback. People who worry a lot often give an abundance of feedback as a way to gain a sense of control over their environment. People who have impossibly high standards for themselves can also hold impossibly high standards for others, resulting in a steady stream of coaching and negative evaluation, and a conspicuous silence around appreciation.

This is why when you are a giver, asking your receiver to coach you as their coach is so important. WHAT RECEIVERS CAN DO A few final words for receivers as we work to adapt to the organization, community, and family we live in. First, a reminder: Regardless of context or the company you keep, you are the most important person in your own learning. Your organization or team or boss might support or stifle feedback. Either way, they can’t stop you from learning. You don’t have to depend on your annual review or your boss’s willingness to mentor. You can watch, ask questions, and solicit suggestions from coworkers, customers, partners, and friends. You don’t have to wait around for someone to train you to sell more shoes. Observe whoever sells the most and try to figure out what they’re doing differently. And ask them to watch you. Whatever they suggest, try it on. Experiment with the advice, and if the shoe fits, wear it. Whatever you do in your organization—whether it’s selling shoes or saving souls—you’re surrounded by people you can learn from.