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November 12, 2022 - June 28, 2023
Accidental adversaries are created by two things: role confusion and role clarity.
To understand the feedback you get, take three steps back: One Step Back: You + Me intersections. Are differences between us creating the friction? Two Steps Back: Role clashes. Is this partly a result of the roles we play in the organization or the family? Three Steps Back: Big picture. Are processes, policies, physical environment, or other players reinforcing the problem? Looking at systems: Reduces judgment Enhances accountability Uncovers root causes Look for patterns in your feedback. Is this a You + Everybody intersection? Take responsibility for your part.
Twin studies have led to estimates that about 50 percent of the variance among people in their average levels of happiness can be explained by differences in their genes rather than in their life experiences.
But it turns out that infants who are what research psychologist Jerome Kagan calls “high reactive” are more likely than others to grow into adults who are high reactives. High reactivity in infants can translate into a big swing for adults. And we can reasonably assume such adults would be likely to be more sensitive to negative feedback.6 Brain imaging studies suggest that differences in sensitivity may correlate with anatomical differences as well.
The adults who had low-reactive infant temperaments had greater thickness in the left orbitofrontal cortex than the high-reactive group while the adults categorized as high-reactive infants displayed greater thickness in the right ventromedial prefrontal cortex.
When you experience negative feelings like fear, anxiety, and disgust, your brain shows increased activity on the right side. When you experience positive feelings like amusement, hope, and love, your brain shows increased activity on the left side.
Perhaps more important, our wiring—whether fixed or not—tells only part of the story. Research suggests a 50-40-10 formula for happiness: About 50 percent of our happiness is wired in. Another 40 percent can be attributed to how we interpret and respond to what happens to us, and 10 percent is driven by our circumstances—where we live and with whom, where we work and with whom, the state of our health, and so forth.
The feedback could be small, but if I’m feeling vulnerable, it’s as if I fall through the floor, plunged into the basement where all the things I’ve ever regretted are collected. It’s as if they are happening all at once, right now. I feel guilty about the people I’ve hurt and ashamed of the selfish things I’ve done. When I’m not in the basement I literally don’t think about it. But when I’m there, it’s the only reality, my failures surround me, and I can’t believe I was ever happy.
During the feedback conversation itself, periodically check in on yourself and slow things down. Self-observation awakens your left prefrontal cortex—which is where the pleasures associated with learning are located. Seth has been working to improve his awareness of what’s happening in the moment: “As quickly as I can, I now think to myself, ‘Okay, this is that thing I do, that triggered thought pattern I get into, and that sick feeling I get.’ And that one thought really helps. I’m not fighting or resisting my thoughts and reactions; I’m just noticing them. Once I think, ‘Yep, this is the
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2. SEPARATE THE STRANDS: FEELING / STORY / FEEDBACK As you get better at slowing things down and noticing what’s going on in your mind and body, you can begin to sort through your reactions. You’ll get better at distinguishing your emotions from the story you tell about the feedback, and distinguishing both of these from what the feedback giver actually said.
You do this by asking yourself three questions: What do I feel? What’s the story I’m telling (and inside that story, what’s the threat)? What’s the actual feedback?
It’s been said that comedy is tragedy plus time. The sooner you adopt that viewpoint, the better. Humor—even or especially gallows humor—offers a release from the emotional tension of a miserable moment, inviting you to see yourself and your life as an amusing play, with the usual array of hapless characters and interesting plot twists.
Before we can decide what we think of the feedback we get, we need to remove the distortions: Be prepared, be mindful — recognize your feedback footprint. Separate the strands — of feeling / story / feedback. Contain the story — what is this about and what isn’t it about? Change your vantage point — to another, to the future, to the comedy. Accept that you can’t control how others see you. Don’t buy their story about you wholesale. Others’ views of you are input, not imprint. Reach out to supportive mirrors who can help you see yourself with compassion and balance.
Identity is the story we tell ourselves about ourselves—what we’re like, what we stand for, what we’re good at, what we’re capable of. I’m a strong leader; I’m an involved grandmother; I’m rational; I’m passionate; I’m always fair.1 When feedback contradicts or challenges our identity, our story about who we are can unravel. You
Accepting that we’re not perfect also means giving up the idea that being perfect is a viable way to escape negative feedback.3 It’s a seductive thought, but it doesn’t work; you can’t behave your way out of ever receiving feedback. You can’t outrun it, and you will collapse trying. Accepting imperfection is not just a good idea, it’s the only choice.
“Not only weren’t they discouraged by failure, they didn’t even think they were failing. They thought they were learning.”5 For them, the puzzle is not an evaluator, but a coach.
People do get better when they apply themselves, and people apply themselves when they believe they can get better. This is true whether we are excruciatingly bad at something or preternaturally good. And effort matters most with the qualities in life that matter most—things like intelligence, leadership, performance, confidence, compassion, creativity, self-awareness, and collaboration. These all grow with attention and improve with coaching.
Perhaps the reason is that praising effort rather than ability doesn’t trigger their fixed-identity anxiety. Or perhaps it’s that working hard is a trait they feel confident they can replicate; whatever happens with that next puzzle, their hard-working-ness could shine.
Try experimenting: Set out to change a habit or improve one of your skills. Find a coach and get your hands dirty. Force yourself to try things you aren’t good at, and when you fall on your face, make a list of three ways you could do better next time. Rinse and repeat, and see what happens.
As we figure out how to hear evaluation, it’s helpful to break evaluation itself down into three constituent parts: assessment, consequences, and judgment. Assessment ranks you. It tells you where you stand. At the track meet your assessment is clear: You ran the mile in five minutes, nineteen seconds, placing you fourth in the forty- to forty-five age group. Consequences are about the real-world outcomes that result from the assessment: Based on the assessment, what, if anything, is going to happen? As a result of your race time, you qualify for the regionals, but do not yet qualify for the
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Is it okay not only to turn down feedback, but to say, “I don’t even want to hear it”? It is. In fact, being able to establish limits on the feedback you get is crucial to your well-being and the health of your relationships. Being able to say no is not a skill that runs parallel to the skill of receiving feedback well; it’s right at the heart of it. If
you. If your supervisor didn’t withhold his respect, you’d realize that he’s not particularly worthy of your respect. Or maybe they need to feel in charge because they just don’t know how to play any other role.
Boundaries: The ability to turn down or turn away feedback is critical to healthy relationships and lifelong learning. Three kinds of boundaries: Thanks and No — I’m happy to hear your coaching … and I may not take it. Not Now, Not About That — I need time or space, or this is too sensitive a subject right now. No Feedback — Our relationship rides on your ability to keep your judgments to yourself.
Remember, correcting course up front is about process, not substance. You’re not telling the feedback giver what they can or can’t say; you’re working to clarify the mutual purpose of the conversation and suggesting a two-way exploration. This helps you get aligned for the rest of the conversation.
What to do, then, when you are experiencing strong feelings? If you’re overwhelmed, don’t try to fight through it and inquire. Instead, assert. Replace hot inquiry like this: “Do you actually think that what you’re saying is consistent or fair?” with a thoughtful assertion like this: “What you’re suggesting seems inconsistent with the criteria you’ve used for others in my position. That doesn’t seem fair to me.” You can then circle back to listening: “Are there aspects of this that I’m missing?” Assert what you have to assert. It makes listening easier and more effective.
Truth Mistakes The most common pitfall is slipping back into a “truth” mindset. Pitfall: “That advice is wrong.” Better: “I disagree with that advice.” Why does this seemingly small distinction matter? Because it keeps the topic of the conversation where it belongs. If you say, “That advice is wrong,” the giver will simply respond by explaining again why it’s right. If you say, “I disagree with that advice,” the giver can’t argue with the fact that you happen to have an opinion on the matter. You do. All that is left is to figure out why you see it differently. You
Relationship Mistakes The big relationship assertion pitfall is switchtracking. You can avoid that by noticing that there are two topics, and giving each topic its own track. Pitfall: “You’re a self-centered jerk.” Better: “I’m feeling underappreciated, so it’s hard for me to focus on your feedback. I think we need to discuss how I’m feeling, as well as the feedback itself.”
Identity Mistakes When we’re off balance or overwhelmed, our assertions are more likely to tip into exaggeration. Pitfall: “It’s true. I’m hopeless.” Better: “I’m surprised by all this and it’s a lot to take in. I want to take some time to think about it and digest what you’ve said. Let’s come back to it tomorrow.”
They were not only in the conversation, they were also actively and explicitly managing the conversation. Supercommunicators had an exceptional ability to observe the discussion, diagnose where it was going wrong, and make explicit process interventions to correct it. It was as though they were functioning in two roles at once: They weren’t just players in the game, they were also referees. Process Moves: Diagnose, Describe, Propose These people sense precisely where they are in a conversation, including the stage they are in and the common challenges in that stage. They have the ability to
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“We’re both making arguments, trying to persuade the other, but I don’t think either of us is listening to, or fully understanding, the other. I know I’m not doing a good enough job of trying to understand what your concerns are. So tell me more about why this is so important to you and to the shop steward.”
Helping the organization/team/family/someone else. Sometimes feedback is motivated by helping or protecting someone, or something, beyond the two of you. Your boss can’t give you a higher rating because it wouldn’t be fair to others. Your best friend doesn’t really care that you often forget to pay her back, but knows that a mutual friend is really upset when you forget to repay him. So she steps in to raise the issue with you.
Depending on the formality of the context, here are a few different kinds of things you can firm up as you wrap up: Action Plans: Who does what tomorrow? What, if anything, is each party going to change or work on, and what do you each agree to do to make that happen? Benchmarks and Consequences: How will progress be measured, and when? Consider discussing what impact, positive and negative, measuring will have. Also, discuss the consequences, if any, if benchmarks are not met. Procedural Contracts: In addition to promises about the substance of what will change, you might make agreements on
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You Say: “Well, okay. I think 4 is a little low, but I suppose it’s fine.” Analysis: This comment is both unclear and passive-aggressive. You’re effectively saying, “I’ll raise my concern just enough to make you wonder what I think, but not so much that I take responsibility for having raised it or that I’m clear about my actual view.” Talk about it or don’t—but don’t “sort of” talk about it.
You: I’m surprised that I got a 4 instead of a 5. But I don’t actually know much about the decision-making process or the criteria that are used. Boss: You think you deserve a 5? You: Yes, I was thinking that, but as I reflect on it, I realize that that wasn’t based on very much information. I was told at last year’s review that one of the differentiators was bringing in new accounts, so I worked hard to land twenty-three new customers and that increased our revenue by almost 20 percent. I was assuming that was enough for a 5, but I don’t have a clear sense of the criteria. Also, there could
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Those asked to resist the cookies (and eat the radishes) gave up twice as quickly, after about half the number of attempts as their counterparts. Researcher Roy Baumeister and colleagues say that the attention and effort that goes into resisting temptation (or forcing new, less-appealing behavior) leaves less energy, attention, and persistence available to complete other tasks.
ASK: “WHAT’S ONE THING YOU SEE ME DOING THAT GETS IN MY OWN WAY?” How to elicit just one thing? Don’t
“You’ve raised a number of different issues, and we’ve discussed why each is important. I’m serious about improving, and it’s been my experience that the best way for me to do that is to focus on one thing at a time. Let’s figure out a good place for me to start.”
You hang back and let others dominate the conversation. Given your unique
The best games strike a “magical balance between the excitement of facing new problems and the swagger from facing down old ones,” writes Nick Paumgarten about Miyamoto’s Nintendo games. You can’t stay motivated if you have to try your hardest all the time. You need to experience the satisfaction of exercising skills you have mastered, interspersed with the new ones you’re working hard to improve. It can’t be all learning curve. You need the downhills to coast and recharge.
Subtle doesn’t work with me. Be really explicit and don’t worry about hurting my feelings. You won’t. I tend to get defensive at first, and then I circle back later and figure out why the feedback is helpful. So if I seem defensive, don’t be put off. I’ll be thinking about what you’ve said, even if it doesn’t sound like it. I react better when you present your advice as an idea that might help, rather than as “the obviously right answer.” In that frame, I notice that I get hooked into arguing about whether it’s “obvious” or “right,” rather than just considering whether it’s worth trying out.
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Three topics should be kept front and center. The first two are about the receiver: (1) Your feedback temperament and tendencies; (2) Growth areas you are currently working on. The third is about the coach: (3) Their philosophy, strengths and weaknesses, and requests.
Grab Bag of Questions for Coach and Coachee Who has given you feedback well? What was helpful about how they did it? Have you ever gotten good advice that you rejected? Why? Have you ever received good advice that you took years later? What motivates you? What disheartens you? What’s your learning style? Visual, auditory, big picture, detail oriented? What helps you hear appreciation? What’s something you wish you were better at? Whose feedback-receiving skills do you admire? What did your childhood and family teach you about feedback and learning? What did your early job experiences teach
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Here’s something else that matters to both of you: Workers who seek out negative feedback—coaching on what they can improve—tend to receive higher performance ratings.8 Perhaps showing an interest in learning doesn’t highlight what you have to learn. It highlights how good you are at learning it.
You might ask your coach what—if anything—they are finding challenging about the work you’re doing together. Your coach might say: I can’t always tell what you’re thinking when I give you suggestions. I’m not sure if you’re agreeing or disagreeing, and whether you feel like you’re allowed to say so if you disagree. The firm wants women to have access to a female mentor, and I’m delighted to be yours. I grew up with three brothers and I have four sons, so this feels like a learning experience for me, too. For me, appreciation feels like blowing smoke. I don’t like getting it and I’ve heard I’m
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Ivan corrected. “Not until now, but we’ll need signatures from now on. Everyone should arrange to sign for their produce deliveries.” Amy continues with Hank: “So I told Ivan that
Feedback isn’t just about the quality of the advice or the accuracy of the assessments. It’s about the quality of the relationship, your willingness to show that you don’t have it all figured out, and to bring your whole self—flaws, uncertainties, and all—into the relationship.
Recall that 63 percent of executives surveyed say their biggest challenge to effective performance management is that their managers lack courage to have the difficult performance discussions.1 They give artificially high reviews to even mediocre employees, which dilutes the usefulness of reviews for addressing performance or guiding decision making. In one organization 96 percent of employees received the highest rating.2 And researcher Brené Brown observes that a lack of meaningful feedback was the number-one reason cited by talented people for leaving an organization.
It’s easy to complain about the system and the people who populate it. What’s hard is to figure out what would help, especially because of the vast range of goals that performance systems are charged with accomplishing: Providing consistent evaluation across roles, functions, and regions; Ensuring fair compensation and distribution of rewards; Incenting positive behaviors and disciplining negative behaviors; Communicating clear expectations; Increasing accountability; Aligning individuals with organizational goals and vision; Coaching and developing individual and team performance; Helping to
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Systems will always be imperfect. We should work to improve them, but that can only take us so far. The greatest leverage is helping the people inside the system communicate more effectively, and as between giver and receiver, it’s the receiver’s skills that have the most impact. We need to equip receivers to create pull—to drive their own learning, to seek honest mirrors as well as supportive mirrors, to speak up when they need additional appreciation or coaching or are confused about where they stand. As each receiver becomes more skilled at receiving—at creating pull—the organization gets
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general, when selecting or implementing an organizational system, HR and senior leaders should provide the following to employees at all levels of the organization: Clarification of the various goals of the system; An explanation of why this system was chosen over other systems; Transparency about potential costs as well as benefits; A description of the costs of half-hearted participation; and An invitation for ongoing discussion, suggestions, and feedback. When handling complaints or concerns about the system, make sure to listen and acknowledge. Ask for specific suggestions that might
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